Danosaur

Unless it isn't obvious, I'm already in the process of losing interest in Prince, mostly because I know I don't have much hope.

Also cause I got a new fixation.

A couple of weeks ago, Summer showed me a video by Jacksgap (?) and we were watching quite a bit of videos before she decided to show me one where the twins did a video with a YouTuber called danisnotonfire.

For me, heck yeah, he is really good looking. XD

And I thought he'd be like some cool dude who would be a little bit full of themselves so I didn't bother to check him out anymore.

Until recently, that is, since I'm procrastinating a lot on loads of things.

And so, I decided to check him out.

And he is so completely different from what I perceived.

I think if I'm very lucky, I'll one day be able to get a guy who has at least some of the qualities he has (not the procrastination part though cause then 2 procrastinators in a relationship would be just horrifying hahaha).

Somehow I feel a bit more inspired to continue studying from watching his videos. It really helps me a lot.

And what I find odd is that I actually, genuinely, enjoy his videos and I honestly smile and laugh at some parts. Like a LOL kind. And that, my friends, is extremely rare for me.

I think it's because of his brutal honesty and the way that he carries himself.

Also, he is smart, in the sense that he is really rational and knows how and when jokes should be made. Academically-wise, I have no idea hahaha.

He makes me feel like I should be "me". Like I can be comfortable in my own skin.

So thank you, Dan. Thank you for making my day hahaha.

It would be a lie if I said I'm not attracted to him (I think gamers are really cool actually) but I think I just enjoy this feeling of butterflies in my stomach, knowing that I can continue dreaming the impossible because it'll be a one in a million chance to be able to speak with him and become his friend cause he really seems like a good guy to be friends with.

It's been a long time since I was into a guy who isn't in real life and I feel a bit more comfortable somehow hahaha.

I also just realise that this is probably the first so called "fan rant" that I have done on this blog and yes, in case you didn't read the first post this blog is also dedicated to these kind of things.

I feel like I can finally relax now and open up more to people somehow.

And now back to work. :)

P.S. Here I leave the video where I got introduced to him hahaha.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Bk9nKZcicw

A trophy only to be admired

Yeah, that pretty much sums up how I feel when I see him online.

I thank God that I'm not so shy anymore and that I'm taking small baby steps in socialising, but I'm still not at the level where I can just Facebook chat anyone randomly without feeling a bit awkward when I see them.

That's why whenever I see Prince online, I get just a bit more sad.

Adding him made me realise just how big my fantasy is. Again, this is one of the reasons why I didn't want to add him, so that I could keep making up things without falling to the concrete floor and breaking my head and heart.

I'm dealing with this fall better than last time but I can still feel some thunder clouds in my head. Or maybe it's just cause I'm tired.

Either way, I just wish that for once the guy I have an interest in will be interested in me as well or that someone will make the first move to get to know me since I'm the one who initiates things.

It so hard to crack through this unapproachable aura that's sheltering me.

Weird blue

Maybe it's due to the lack of sleep but I'm definitely not in the best of moods today.

I just read Honey Hunt by Aihara Miki just now and I realised that most of her mangas are about a girl being liked by many guys at one time.

Which brings me to one of the few things that is constantly on my mind.

Does anyone actually find me attractive?

When I take a good long look at myself, I wonder who the hell would.

And yeah, my best trait is probably my kindness and politeness but honestly, when was the last time you ever heard a guy falling for that over good looks and an out-going personality?

Which is why, I really don't see a future for me to be with Prince or at any rate, another guy.

I have never experienced any situation where the person I likes also likes me as well and now that I properly think of it, it's almost near impossible for that to happen to anyone. It's amazing that other people can experience this and they are so lucky.

I wonder when will that ever happen to me.

"!"

I felt really sour today. Like nothing could inspire me at all.

I got into the bus and took a seat before turning on my mobile network and as usual I got my Whatsapp notifications and I got down to replying to them immediately. Then the phone vibrated again (because I always get my Facebook notifications late) and I stopped typing in mid-sentence.

"Prince replied to your message."

I got really shocked and I immediately felt happy bubbles popping inside my head.

Me: Hey, thanks for accepting my request. :D

Prince: your welcome! :)

And when I got back from class I re-read the message and only noticed the exclamation mark a few minutes ago and I don't know why but that just kills me ever so silently with cuteness. XD

It's amazing what these kinds of feelings can do to me.

For one, I feel more motivated to study and do my work, like really.

Also, I feel more happier. XD

And yes, I am so so so thankful that he replied, even if it means nothing to him because it just made my day today. It really did.

Thank you so much, God. :)

I told this to Yu and Isa and they seem happy for me and I have yet to tell Ana.

But overall, I'm just happy hahaha.

Of course I won't be all stupid like in Law's case but instead, I will really befriend him first.

Prince is a really nice guy.

I wonder what kind of facial expression he had while typing that. I think it most probably looked like -> :|.

Anyhow, he replied and I am really grateful for that.

And when I do see him and if the time is okay, I now know that I have more confidence to speak with him.

Hahahahahaha. And at least he recognised it was me even though I didn't use my real surname hahahahaha. XD

Sent

Because of the incident yesterday, Tia asked me to inbox him and I did.

And I am really trying to put my hopes down as low as possible but annoyingly, they just raise themselves up even higher and I freaking hate that cause now I'm in a really uninspired mood now which is bad since my exams are like super super soon.

The reason why I didn't want to add him is because I still wanted to live in a dream, that he is the perfect guy bla bla bla even though he probably isn't.

Well, that is true in a sense.

The minute when I saw that he went clubbing and all, I felt myself loose a bit of interest.

I just like guys who are really good and nice and probably the only guy that fits that bill that I've wrote about is Victor.

Of course I haven't gotten to know Prince that well yet but I can already see that I am definitely not suitable for him.

In this world, I feel like I'm still a child while almost everyone in class is an adult, going to clubs, smoking, drinking and what not.

And that's when I start to fear that because of peer pressure, I'll change and become someone that I will absolutely detest. I'm scared that I'll change for the worse.

I'd really like to blame my good girl image, the girl who doesn't like drinking and clubbing, because I feel like I'm cut off from socialising with people.

Okay, I will go off soon. I really need to do my work.

Seriously unexpected

Like how the hell did it even happen????!!!!

Here I was, finishing a drawing with my tablet when all of a sudden I decided to turn on my mobile network and I saw the usual Whatsapp and Kakao Talk notifications.

I decided to check my Kakao Talk messages and I was in the middle of replying to one when I saw words flashing in the notification bar.

"Prince has accepted your friend request on Facebook."

I got out from the chair, ran to my bed, hugged my pillow, and rolled around on the floor and hid under the table and was just out of control that Ana just laughed at me saying "This is good! Think positively!" the whole time.

The thing here is I never freaking touched the 'Add as Friend' button at all!!!!!!!

How the hell did that happen????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMG OMG OMG.

I feel so freaking embarrassed.

But I will do my best to act cool and if I get to speak with him, then I'll just be cool and speak with him.

I seriously hope that isn't something that will highlight how much I'm interested in him because that was really an accident!!!!!!!!

Okay, so my 19th birthday was a whole lot different than last year (doing work and eating ice cream and cake) and I certainly hope that I will become even better and improve even more.

And that I won't think too much about this.

And today was a down

He only came for the afternoon class and even then, he was super late haha. I almost gave up on the idea that he was going to come.

At that point, something made me look at the doorway and he suddenly appeared which was a bit shocking since I didn't even hear the door opening.

And again, we made eye contact. Like it was as though he was searching for me. An assumption of mine, naturally.

But we didn't talk today.

At the most, he turned around a couple of times but we didn't even say "Hi" to each other, probably because we were at two different places.

I talked to his friends though that morning, on a different note. They were pretty nice to me. :)

Somehow, when I looked at him today, I felt my chest tightening. It was a strange feeling indeed.

One of the reasons is because... In truth... I'm scared of being in a relationship. I've seen so many people change for the worse (jealousy, paranoia etc.) and I'm scared that I will turn out just the same.

On the other hand, being in a relationship is really beautiful, especially if it's a meaningful one.

Then I think again, will I even dare to do all those things that a couple would do? Generally, I will never go far cause, call me old fashioned, but I actually want to be a virgin till my wedding night.

So yeah, in a way, I'm scared of really falling for him. It's as though I only realise now that he is a real person living near me, not just a celebrity or a figment of my imagination.

My birthday's coming up soon but it's not going to be on a weekend so I doubt anyone would actually remember haha. But somehow, I really prefer it that way.

Till the next time. :)

Suspended Butterflies

When I recall the events yesterday when I talked to him, I can't help but smile because... well... because I looked at him and talked and he actually smiled.

Of course I'm hoping that I'll get to talk with him today as well but life will have it's ups and downs so it's okay if I don't get to talk with him.

Extremely short post cause I need to go to class soon haha.

A lucky strike

Guess what???

:| :) :D XD

I finally talked with him!

Finally. Finally. Finally. :)

At first I thought he wasn't going to come to the lecture today but surprise surprise, he did. He sat on the other side of the room while I sat on the other side.

How it happened was that I had just finished discussing some things with my lecturer when I noticed that he and a group of other guys were standing near our table, talking about our project (which is to draw a map showing the route we take from our home to the campus).

I didn't look at him of course, so I went on to my seat and thought about how to do my drawing when my friend, Anna, came back from her discussion with the lecturer so she showed her map to the people there which was down to just Anna's workmate (Derek) and Prince.

I felt a bit more courageous than usual, so I leaned very far to my left to join in the discussion to get an idea of what I should do, also partly to try to get the chance to talk with Prince.

Then, while she was talking with Prince, I wanted to approach Derek first, before approaching Prince but I wasn't too sure of his name so I was in a bit of a dilemma haha. I called him a couple of times but I gave up so I talked to Anna instead.

Me: Anna, he's Derek right? Can you call Derek for me?

Anna: Derek-

Derek: Hmm?

Me: How big is the scale of your map?

Derek: It's around 1:2000.

Me: Really? Do you live near campus?

Derek: Yeah. *Shows map* It looks like this.

At this point, Anna kind of went back to her seat (next to mine, she was in front of the table initially with the other two) and Derek was just about finishing up and Prince somehow moved a bit closer to me instead of getting ready to go.

Me: How's your map? What scale did you use?

Prince: Ah, not good. I didn't use the standard scale. *Shows map*

Me: Do you live near campus?

Prince: Yeah, I live nearby.

Me: If you walked from your home to campus how long would it take you?

Prince: 10 minutes by walking.

At that point, the lecture was going to start again so Prince went back to his seat.

Naturally, I tried to keep my cool but after a few minutes, after I sent messages to June and Helen and my sisters about the step I took, I couldn't help smiling. I wanted to squeal and whatnot but I couldn't hahaha.

After that he left class together with some people for lunch and I thought he wouldn't come back but he did. He sat together with one of my guy friends from my current residence at the back and continued their work. I found this a bit odd since he usually never comes back after lunch but I just went on with my work.

And so I continued with my work when suddenly I noticed two people approaching me so I took off my earphones and looked up and saw Prince with my guy friend. It's pretty sad though that since the friend needed help, I only talked with him and Prince went back after a couple of seconds. I couldn't help it though.

That's when I started to think that it was a tiny bit odd, since Prince lives in the opposite direction from my friend and I.

Which leaves me wondering, why did he come over? To accompany the friend?

It was nice though when we talked. He smiled and but we didn't make much eye contact. Probably only once. I feel really shy to look at him.

I also noticed that after we talked and when he went to talk to the lecturer while I was chatting with Isa, he looked in my direction, as though he wanted to come over and talk.

But overall, I'm really happy and glad that this time, I did not pass up the chance to talk with him and I initiated the conversation.

So maybe next time, I'll be able to talk with him again. :)

Last week was a very depressing week for me and I think that maybe this is the reason why, so that I'll be able to fully appreciate the small miracle that happened to me today.

These days, I am less awkward socially and I actually talked a lot with some of the guys that I know.

Maybe that's why God didn't want me to talk with him previously. He maybe wanted me to be more prepared and relaxed so that when I finally talk to Prince, I won't be all over the place with things.

On another note, my heart didn't really beat fast. I just felt overjoyed.

I feel really good today. :)

This gives me the motivation to work harder in my studies as well.

Thank you so much God, for letting me speak with him, even though it was only for a few seconds. :)

Maybe a bit out of hand

Maybe it's cause I saw Acia unexpectedly on the bus yesterday (she was going to go clubbing with some other guys from our class), or maybe I've just been thinking about Prince too much that I got another dream about him. And not just any normal dream.

In the past, whenever I had dreams about people that I am interested in, the events that unfold in the dreams were somewhat like a day to day experience like meeting them outside of school and whatnot but in all of them, I never dreamt that I was their girlfriend or anything special like that.

And last night, I dreamt I married Prince.

Oh my sick brain. What the hell is wrong with you.

In that dream, I knew it was a dream and I could remember every single event clearly but when I woke up, it's as though someone placed a veil over that part in my memory so that even the colours seem dark and blurry.

From what I can remember, and sadly not much...

.........

Oh gosh, I can't remember at all! TT^^TT

I think I have a basic storyline and I can only remember one certain event but it isn't much good.

I think that we were somewhere outside at night and my sisters were there and I was talking with him. Then, the next thing I know, we're getting married (although I don't think I remember us having a ceremony).

I think that we liked each other before getting married, it was just that we didn't know how to reach each other so when we married, it was slightly awkward since we barely had time to get to know each other well but we both held on to it.

The one event that I remember is that we were in a house (not sure who's one) and then he was going to go down the stairs and I said something to him, adding the word "Darling" before the sentence, just to see how he would respond.

Then he stopped and smiled and looked at me and said "Maybe we're not ready for that yet but I think we'll be able to do that in the future." Then he continued down before he stopped again, looked up, stretched out his hand to touch mine and said "I'll miss you."

I think I stretched out my hand as well but I really can't recall whether or not I took his hand.

There're certain things that I remember, like me being very close to him or like the both of us holding hands, him smiling and grinning.

The weird thing about this dream is that it went on for a long time, even though this summary is super short.

It even continued when I woke up twice and went back to sleep, the first time was because I wanted to sleep (and I didn't expect the dream to continue) and the second time was because I wanted to see if I'd still get the same dream.

Yeah, it's a pity I'm such a coward.

Delusional

Prince just keeps shocking me day by day. He turned up for the morning lecture today as well, although he was really extremely late but he was there alright.

During the afternoon lecture, he sat at one side of the hall while I sat at the other.

I really felt like utter crap today so when our lecturer asked us to make groups of five or six, I just gave up completely on being the first to make the move but luckily, for once someone came to find me and I got into a reasonably enjoyable group in the end.

When the time came for us to present it, my group pestered me to go and present it but I didn't want to. When I was finally pushed out to do it, the lecturer didn't want me since I had already presented it the last time.

It was at that time that I noticed that Prince looked in my direction. He looked again when the lecturer asked my friend and I to sit and we automatically squatted and he got pissed at us and asked us to sit normally. Some people laughed but I just took it in stride.

For the assignment this time, Prince presented the topic for his group and he did a good job and he really looks like he knows what he's talking about so I think that he may have gotten a good score after all for his exam.

While he was presenting his points, he looked up in my direction and we made eye contact but it was like for one nanosecond. I think he only looked in that direction anyway because he wanted to face more people.

At the end of the lecture, our lecturer called us out individually to give comments on our mid-term exam papers and while I was talking with him, Prince came up and waited for his turn so whatever I said was within his ear-shot and automatically I began being just a tiny bit silly but I wasn't extreme this time, thank goodness.

The last encounter was when I was talking with some friends and I happened to look at him talking with our lecturer and at the same time he looked up so we both made eye contact again, and then we both broke it at the same time.

I can't help but look at him from time to time but at least this time round, I'm not looking at him frequently.

I finally got to look at him face front and I thought I'd get disappointed but no.

I'm harbouring just a tiny bit of hope, but just a smidgen.

I really have to get to work now. I must cover a lot of pages today.

I should be excited and happy

And yes, I was, initially.

Prince turned up for the morning lecture today, which he normally doesn't.

He sat next to Isa, who was sitting on the other side, and I was on the other side of the hall. For some reason, Isa doesn't sit with me and Yu during that subject. But yeah, I was a bit shocked that he came for that lesson.

But anyhow, that afternoon, Prince turned up again.

At first he sat in one of the front rows and yeah, I wished he'd sit in the empty row in front of us.

And suddenly, he switched seats and sat in front of us haha.

Yeah, I was nervous and all but as usual, my cowardly self couldn't bring myself up to speaking with him.

Yeah, I'm a freaking coward.
Yeah, I'm ruining all chances of having a boyfriend.
Cause I freaking don't know how to talk to him.
Or to any other guy for that matter.

In my head, I was all up to talk with him.

But.

He got low marks for the test and he was studying during the break. And he didn't talk much with people.

And that got me to thinking, maybe, just maybe, he's a bit like me. Someone who readily opens up to friends and is someone who requires someone to initiate conversation.

Well lucky me. I just happen to be extremely afraid of stuff like that.

So yeah.

You can pretty much tell I'm in a crappy mood.

I got so nervous when Prince was in front of me, well technically not directly in front, but yeah.

Well, here's to another failure and for more to come.

I should go.

Hello again

I didn't expect to see him today at all.

At one point during the lecture, I turned to my left and I saw him sitting at the other side of the room and I think I turned again, slightly, for a second time just to make sure and I think that he noticed me turning during the second time.

I didn't, however, look at him as much as I normally do. Maybe it's cause I'm just in a sucky mood today.

He talked with the girl that I think likes him today.

I really should give her a name. I've mentioned her so many times already.

I think I'll call her Acia. I think that name is quite cool and she is a really cool person. She just has that aura about her.

I think he'll be coming for the future lectures for that subject since we now have a different lecturer.

I think I lost hope also.

I don't stand out in a good way among the girls and I feel like I don't have much attributes and qualities that are worth anyone's time. I was actually okay for a moment with the thought of being single for life.

My confidence falters bit by bit, day by day.

I wonder when my time will come.

Probably because I'm back in Italy

Or maybe it's cause I can't wait to see him.

Again, I got another dream about him last night and the only thing different about it this time was that I got to see his face more clearly.

It was a split second moment though and the only thing I can remember is looking at his face profile before we made eye contact and that was when I woke up at 5.30 am because of jet lag.

I just hope that I will get the chance to talk with him one day but of course I'm not going to focus too much on him. Exams are coming in February and I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

It'd be nice to see him again, that much for sure.

So it's either I'll get to see him on Wednesday or maybe the next since I have no idea what he did for his holidays, where he went, and when he'll be coming back.

Until then, I must become even more pretty for him.

Sudden

And that is the best way that I can put it.

Today I went to Helen's house to spend some quality time with her before I left for Italy and I felt a bit shy and awkward at first (since I'm really bad at one-on-one conversations) but the atmosphere lightened up after a couple of minutes. Helen really knows how to put me at ease. :)

And so while we were chatting away in her kitchen (over tea, and as the British would have exclaimed, "Splendid!") her mom said something that I couldn't quite catch but she somehow understood what her mom said and she went to the entrance so I assumed some people came to see her.

At first, I thought it was some of my high school friends since I could hear her exclaiming that I was here so I decided to get up and go to the entrance and right when I reached the small kitchen, Helen walked in.

And so did Victor/Broccoli.

I had the initial shock of realising that he was there, of course, but somehow I knew this would happen.

Like the minute I got into the car before going to her place, I knew I'd get to see Victor. I can't really remember the last time I saw him. I think it was when I left college and he said "Bye".

And of course there was another guy with him, whom I have only conversed with quite properly only today. The other guy (let's call him Sean), was actually pretty okay and funny and I think that he is less scared of me now haha. XD I always get the impression that guys are afraid of me.

So when all four of us were in the small kitchen, Helen served them water and soya bean milk because that was the reason why they crashed there in her house as they were cycling to people's homes and just crashing there. Kind of cool, really, the cycling bit.

Then, Sean wanted to leave but Helen managed to persuade them to stay so we moved on to the bigger kitchen where we all chatted quite well.

I was really afraid of talking with them but I did my best to not let that show and whenever there was an awkward moment, all of us did our best to fill it and I'm glad for that. :)

Victor in particular was really helpful in filling up the silence and I'm not sure if he acted stupid on purpose or if he is really that goofy haha. At one point we were making so much fun of him that he turned red and since he was sun burned, I couldn't tell the difference but I realised his ears were bright pink. So cute! :D

There was one part when I was talking with Helen only about how I was going to miss seeing her when Victor suddenly chimed in.

Me: I'm going to miss you so much when I go!

Helen: It's okay ba, we can Skype with each other!

Victor: I have Skype also!

Sean: Me as well.

So I'm not really sure if he wanted to Skype with me as well (since I am a real social retard and I don't get most social hints) but I played on the safe side and was pretty mean by only addressing Helen as to be the one that I will Skype. Helen's going to give me Victor's ID though so maybe I'll get the chance? Hahahahahahahaha.

Then, Helen asked Victor to teach her brother in their studying room so all of us went there where we made more noise and the brother kind of just gave up studying and listened to us laughing but Victor really managed to teach her brother well. Victor is really smart haha.

They left before I left and it wasn't so awkward. He took his time to go and he even made a turn in the road so I could see him before he and Sean cycled away.

Helen kept saying it was fate and I'd like to think so too but I think it was a mere lucky coincidence. :)

Victor and I kept making weird eye contact with each other but that was about it. Thank goodness I looked quite decent when I went to Helen's house haha.

And something made me think just now.

Roy (the guy who used to like me) and I had been texting a bit before I left for Italy about him and a girl and somehow I told him that I liked Victor. And now, I get the feeling that Victor knows about that.

I don't think I have any strong feelings for him anymore though. I was happy and excited that I got to see him and there were pleasant butterflies in my stomach but that's about it.

It made me realise somehow that I really need to get to know someone first before I actually like them.

On a different note, I texted with a guy I had a small thing for three years ago and I didn't want to believe it since the texts were coming from my friend's iPhone but somehow, there was evidence to show that it was him. I kind of think that he also had a small thing for me but he gave up very quickly haha.

Okay, it's almost 1.30 am and I need to send/see Skye off tomorrow with everyone else so I shall sleep soon.

Today was a surprisingly good day. :)

Points to ponder

There are those times when I know that I shouldn't think about him and during those times, I'm able to hold myself back. In other situations, I fail to exercise self control.

Sometimes, I just want to curl up in my bed and just think about him and then wonder and regret things that I should have done.

The big question here is "Why do I like Prince?"

If I think about it long enough, he isn't even spectacularly hot.

He is, however, someone who just stands out without any obvious intention clinging to it. I like him for the aura he carries around him (again, just like the Law case =-=).

I had another theory the other day, while going through my posts.

I noticed that he usually sits somewhere near the girl that I think likes him so maybe he likes that girl. And if this hypothesis is true, I will just suck it up like what I did last time.

Another thing to wonder about.

I wonder how many guys I'll write about in here till one of them actually has some feelings for me.

Currently, I've only wrote seriously for two guys and I've mentioned around four other more guys but yeah, when I like someone, I'll stay loyal to that someone. And that makes me sound like a stalker but really, I have the most outrageously puny skill in stalking so there's no way that I could be a stalker.

I shall now sleep since I only had three hours of sleep last night as I had to wake up early to visit the dentist.

P.S. I finally made my New Year resolutions and the list is a whole lot more shorter than my previous ones. Hopefully I'll get to fulfill most of them. :)

I wonder

If I'll be able to control myself from liking him too much without even getting to know him first.

If this year will change my direction towards the darkened valley.

If I'll be able to really love myself.

Because, I think that in order to really love someone, you have to love yourself first and I know that I am not on good terms with myself. I have been getting better at accepting myself but not so much on the loving.

I know I probably won't have as much drive as I used to have (because I get most of the drive from liking someone), but I hope that I'll still try to do my best.

Liking guys has always brought out the better side of myself, oddly enough.

Whatever happens this year, I hope that I'll be able to make it out alive and well.