Amazing what a little flame can make you want to do

Although it seems like a very small matter/information, I still feel really happy and relieved.


Ivy likes someone else, not Law.


Well, that's what I can gather from the number of people liking her comments and making fun of her when she tagged a guy.


I just hope that it's real.


Now I don't feel that bad for liking Law.


I wish I could hurry up and become pretty so that the next time he sees me, he'll be in shock.


I still think that I should've wished him good luck because the me right now thinks that it's okay for my feelings for him to have been even more obvious.


But of course the future me might oppose to that so either way it's kind of a win-win situation.


I sincerely hope that there's still a chance for the both of us to be friends.


Going to sleep soon.


PS. I've been playing Dragon Nest a lot and I think I'm kind of hooked to it. I must improve my gaming skills! :D

In the midday

I had another weird dream about him while I napped today from 10am till 12pm.


A lot of details are fuzzy but the one bit that I do remember I won't mention but just posting this post will remind me of it because it was the first that I ever dreamt that something like that happened to me in a dream.


I was chatting with June just now and she said that she was reading my previous blog post and that if he really were in our class, I would ignore her.


LOL. HAHAHAHA. XD


That was very cute of her. :)


Anyway, I realised today that after June, I will no longer see him again and I do feel really sad.


I don't know if I'll still continue to chase after him but I think I might cause whenever I like someone, the feeling doesn't go away fast unlike most of my friends and sometimes I envy them for that.


I might be chasing after him for years, who knows?


I would really like a second shot at building a friendship with him.


Hopefully God will help me.

Sign

It's either it's a sign or that he's really all that makes up the substance in my mind currently.


I've been having a whole lot of dreams about him lately and I had one just last night.


Okay, before I go on I must mention that before this, whenever I had crushes on real people, I never got dreams about them and they never appeared in my dreams.


At all.


The details are a bit fuzzy cause it's been more than 12 hours but here goes.




Last night, I dreamt that I was marching in a big parade around town with my friends when I saw him.


Some stuff that had nothing to do with him followed after that but I don't remember them.


The one thing that I remember was that I was in a room checking stuff out when he came in and sat down and then we both started talking normally like we were old friends even though before then we didn't even communicate with each other.
He started asking if I had already bought a dress for the prom and in my dream I panicked a bit and said "No, I haven't even decided what to wear!" cause apparently the prom was the day after that.
As I was panicking, he went through my SMS-es and there were several SMS-es there that were from another guy (not sure who) and then he got quiet.




I woke up after that, just as I was about to explain things cause the snooze alarm on my phone went off and I couldn't afford to snooze it again.


A sign?


I really do realise now that I had so many opportunities to make friends with him but my emotions got ahead of me. If only I weren't so foolish cause right now, I'm actually talking with guys and I actually talk quite normally with them.


I wonder what would've happened if we were in the same class.


Anyhow, those things have already happened or have not yet happened so I must learn to forget them and forge on, hoping that I am something pleasing and not annoying in his memories.


I really long to text him and ask him things such as the ever most important question: "Do you hate me and find me annoying?"


However, I know and feel that it isn't the time yet to bring those questions out so I must be patient and let time smooth things out a bit.


Thanks to that dream, I was in a really good mood today and I actually felt happy for the first time in a long time.


I really do hope that he and I can become friends.


Someday maybe.

The road avoided

I was supposed to post this up yesterday but I forgot cause I felt really tired.


Anyway, I saw him at school yesterday for the first time in almost three weeks. Hopefully he didn't see me.


I didn't intend to even find him much less look at him cause I wanted to avoid him as I am still a bit embarrassed of my actions.


So I avoided looking at the crowd of seniors in front of the room where I was supposed to meet up with some people regarding the Environmental Day.


After the meeting ended, I purposely took the back staircase cause I didn't want to go through the main one and then see him outside the exam hall.


I wasn't in much of a hurry so I took my time to go up the stairs and when I reached up there, I heard loud voices and so I just knew that they weren't going to be in the exam hall but in the second lecture hall.


For some reason, I just kept on staring at the window opposite the lecture hall and that's when I saw him.


My heart started thumping really hard.


I immediately went inside my own lecture hall and I paused and sat down to feel my own heartbeat, making sure that no one else could hear it because it sounded so loud in my ears.


I thought that it only beat so hard because I walked up 5 flights of stairs but that was definitely a wrong assumptions because my heartbeats lasted for a long time.


Today, my heart thumped hard again when I thought I saw him but it turned out to be someone else so it quickly resided.




I wish I could have a second chance.


I don't want to gloom over the past so now I'm hoping for a better future.


I really do hope that time heals everything.




I still like you.

The wait

I really really really thought that I'd be over him by now.


Apparently, I'm not.


I'm blogging even though I feel so tired and I feel like crap cause this week has been one of the toughest week I've faced this year and what makes everything even more frazzled is the fact that I should be concentrating but I can't cause he is almost always on my mind.


This feeling is definitely more different compared to the crush I had two years ago.


Last time when I liked the guy, I got over him pretty fast and even getting over him didn't cause me to feel extremely upset.


In fact, when I met up with him and my friend, I didn't have those feelings for him.


The butterflies in the stomach, the wind in my mind.


I was of course excited to see him but I didn't get any of those feelings.


Today when I saw that some of the seniors were back to sit for their Biology exam, I couldn't help but hope to see him despite knowing the fact that he doesn't take Biology.


It's a good thing he didn't see me though cause I'm in my healing process and my scars are slowly fading.


I'm feeling much better about this whole liking thing cause previously, I could only concentrate on the mistakes I did.


Looking back, I've experienced so much more.


My one regret is not making friends with him truly.


He is really an amazing person.


I sincerely hope that I will get a second chance somewhere in the future.


I don't know if I'll confess to him cause I'm just going to go with the flow and see where this river takes me to.


Who would have known that this feeling would grow to become something so big it hurts. I certainly didn't.


I remember saying that I didn't want to fall for him in the first few days that I started to like him but then when I got to know him a bit better, I fell for him even more because...


Because he partly reminds me of myself.


I think that's why I'm so attracted to him because I feel like we can truly understand each other.


I'm glad to see that he hasn't been online a lot lately cause I think he's studying. Hopefully he isn't playing Diablo 3, which by the way looks awesome.


Going to sleep now cause I have a First Aid test tomorrow.

Taking a good long look

I feel like I was a totally different person when I was completely head-over-heels for Law.


I know right now that I don't have those overwhelming feelings inside of me but who knows, my heart might jump again the next time I see him.


I have been reading a lot lately and in a way, I guess it's a way for me to express my depression.


At least I'm not eating and snacking to get over it like what I did the last time.


The books I've been reading are really amazing and I love the author a lot.


You should check out Haruki Murakami and if you're not ready yet for his bizarre but spectacular stories, you should start out with The Elephant Vanishes.


Anyway, I'm currently reading Kafka on the Shore and there are so many lines and quotes in there that I can really identify with. Those words just jumped off the page into my mind.


"...even in the smallest events there's no such thing as coincidence."


There was no coincidence that I met him and that I fell for him and no other guy in school.


I actually believe in fate as much as I want to deny this fact because I sometimes don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life.


There are many other nice quotes but I'm not exactly in the mood to look for them now cause I need to take a short break from reading his works cause I actually need to think long and hard when I read his books because as I read I analyse as well.




I wonder if he will ever remember me.


I wonder if the times we worked together and the times that I did catch him looking at me were lucky coincidences.




I still have my share of regrets which I pray will eventually lighten up and disappear.




Going to sleep now cause I'm going for a stress workshop tomorrow. Hopefully it'll help me one way or another.

A jump, a pulse

Yesterday I thought that I wouldn't feel so strongly for him as I did the past few months since I didn't see him for almost two weeks.


Today, as June and I were on our way down to go for the morning prayer meeting, I glanced down subconsciously and I saw him.


My heart literally jumped.


I only saw his back but I just knew instantly that it was him.


By the time June and I went around another bend in the stairs, he was gone already.


When I asked June if she noticed him later on during the second break but then she said she didn't.




I feel quite good that I got to see him and that he didn't get to see me in my current state.


I think that I'm sick but I'm not too sure.


It could be either that or maybe some of the emotion from Murakami Haruki's Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World has rubbed off on me cause I felt a bit queer reading it so I stopped reading it for a bit. I'll be continuing later just before I sleep cause I'm about to finish the book cause it's a really good book.




I wonder if he's wondering why I didn't text him cause I usually text him good luck and ask how his exam was.


Thinking back now I feel quite amazed that I actually had the guts to text him.


I think part of my bravery came from my imagination, as in, my imagination created that bravery that I had possessed.


Like I imagined him up.


But he's real and he has flaws as well that I think I tried to blind myself from seeing but all the same, no one's perfect.




I wish we had more chances to be able to work with each other throughout those first two months.


I wish I was in his group during leadership camp.


I wish I had talked to him and worked together with him to set up the voting booths.


I wish I had said "Hi" to him after the first day we worked with each other and got to know each other.




I feel so rotten inside and I think that it shows terribly on the outside.


I'm more quiet at school and I'm less jovial.


Maybe it's cause I know, deep down inside, that he rejected me even though I never did confess to him properly.


I'm tired of hoping but being a Capricorn, I'm just determined to not give up.


I have no idea why I'm so persistent in hurting myself even further, making my confidence sink even lower than rock bottom.




Maybe, just maybe, I'll feel better after I confess to him so that he can straight out reject me and that'll stop my mind from being so jumbled up.




One of the good things that I got from listening to his favourite band is that one of the songs keeps me strong in opening my heart to love.


"Every long lost dream, led me to where you are, others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, pointed me on my way, into your loving arms, this much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you." - Bless the Broken Road, Rascal Flatts


So I will continue to nurture this bit of love in my heart, as sappy as that sounds, and maybe, just maybe, like what June said, if he's meant for me, then he will come to me.


Therefore, I will not force fate to do things it's not supposed to do with it but I will wait patiently to see where this broken road will take me.

Not taking a risk

Short post. :)


I thought I'd text him yesterday but I didn't after all.


Why?

Rainie: Okay why do you want to text him?

Me: To see his reaction.

Rainie: Beth, this is Skye. I would advice you to not send him anything because unless your intention is to let him know you're interested in him then it is a bad idea. Honestly if you're going to do all this you might as well confess to him. Rainie said the second part.

Me: I know I shouldn't. But I don't know why I want to. I think he already found out a long time ago and yet he's treating me very nice.

Rainie: It's not the same as you actually telling him and maybe he's trying not to embarrass you. Seriously just confess la it's be better.

Me: I think I'll confess after his exams are over. I think that's better.

Rainie: Okay then you are not allowed to say good luck.

Still uncertain as to whether I made the correct decision or not.

I'm scared of course cause I'll probably get rejected but then again I need to just shoot the gun already.

I'm just going to see how he reacts when he sees me tomorrow.

I thought his exams started today but actually it only starts tomorrow.

He's been slacking though.

I pray for him everyday.

Going to sleep in 30 or so minutes cause I need my rest and hopefully I'll continue to work hard to become a person that he will want to get to know.

Dream Boy

I keep dreaming about him lately and all of those dreams were good dreams.


Throughout this past holiday, I've been thinking about everything I did and looking back now I realise that I've came a long way considering the fact that I was previously in an all girl's school and that I barely communicated with guys.


I also finally truly realise how obvious I was.


And then when I realised that, I realised that he treated me very nicely throughout this whole time and whenever I was near him.


I realised that he always does smile when I talk and that he is definitely more hyper when he's around me.


When I watched Spongebob Squarepants today, it was his voice ringing in my ears when the theme song came out and I smiled cause I remembered the time that he and Ray sang it while we were cleaning up the Election Board room (it was only the three of us).


Anyway, I narrowed it down to four three conclusions.


1. He's very flattered that someone likes him and he wants to play around a bit.
2. He's being nice to me cause he knows that I'll be hurt if he just rejects me.
3. He doesn't mind me liking him.
4. He's interested in me as well.


Just putting the fourth one up there cause I have to be somewhat true to myself.


I don't know if I should text him good luck tomorrow.


I probably will but I'm going to ask for my sisters' opinions and Helen and June's opinions as well.


I mean, if I've already dug a hole for myself, I should just go ahead and make it deeper right?


Taking chances as usual.


He's making me change for the better though and that's a plus.


Hopefully my face will clear up more before I see him in two days time cause I don't want him to laugh at me although I highly doubt he will cause he is such a nice guy.


I wish I didn't screw up our friendship's beginning.

A tiny speck

I haven't updated in a long time cause I haven't seen or heard from Law in days.


He finally went on Facebook today. :)


I was starting to get really paranoid that he was doing that just to avoid me but I don't think so.


You know why?


I checked out our relationship based on our horoscopes on this website www.astrology.com.


Sadly, I don't have a bank account so I could only get the free reading but even then, it was enough to make me feel just a bit more happy and motivated to become even more prettier.


This relationship reading enabled me to see my relationship with him and my relationship with him, which are surprisingly two different aspects.




My Relationship with Him

His Moon In Your Ninth House

Aside from any physical relationship, you have found a real spiritual friend in Law. 

He tends to feel the same way you do about philosophical and religious issues. You find him very supportive, a real collaborator when it comes to ideas and issues of importance. Both of you are real talkers, and probably tend to burn the midnight oil once you get going. 

It is possible that he may introduce you to new spiritual and metaphysical concepts or strengthen any beliefs you already have. Long trips might be in order.

His Sun In Your Sixth House

Meeting Law has got to be good for you, at least for your health and personal habits. He is sure to give you a hand at implementing all those many projects that you have never gotten around to doing, like eating better, cutting down on this, and so forth. 

He is really able to get you to work on taking care of these kinds of details. And he cares for you in about every way you could imagine. Where else could you get this kind of service? In many ways he is your own conscience come alive. Working hand and hand with him should take a great burden off your mind.

His Relationship with Me

Her Moon In Your Fifth House

There is an odd sense of joy when you are around Beth. You feel confident and creative. 

There is often this sense of discovering yourself when the two of you are together. You tend to feel more protective and sensitive to animals, younger people, and children. 

You can be very emotional and expressive with Beth, and things tend to have a fresh, new quality. It is hard not to feel that all of this is good.

Her Sun In Your Third House

At last, someone you can really talk with. 

You should have become instant friends from the very start. 

Beth is the kind of person that is intellectually stimulating. Together you could spend great amounts of time exploring ideas and concepts, taking walks, and even short trips. Talking until dawn is not impossible with her. 

The platonic thing was there from the start, and there is a sense of the brotherly and sisterly between you. Even if lovers, you will always be first and foremost, good friends.

And so, I'm really really really hoping that something will happen between the both of us since it really does sound so good.

I would really really like to be his friend one of his good/best friend who is really really close with him.

I knew he and I had the same brainwave!

I remember the first day that we were properly introduced to each other. There was one part when we both agreed on something and I instantly felt that we connected.

Please, please, please I'm hoping and praying and wishing with all my might that our relationship will continue to improve.

Also, I read his reading with Ivy (who is also a Capricorn like me) and their relationship is also good but more to a maternal aspect. Something more like friendship.

I just hope that he will want to become my friend and become closer to me.

I need to sleep now cause I feel so tired from all the exercise that I've been doing.

The readings are somewhat true on my part.

I really do hope that it's the same on his part.

Please God, let his path and my path cross and when they do, let amazing and wonderful things blossom.