That feeling

I feel as though I've fallen for him for the first time, again.


I feel so warm and bubbly inside and I have no idea why.


It's not like he's seen me or talked to me and neither have I seen him for almost a whole week.


Helen told me that he might be going to school next week due to some extra Physics classes which is during our holidays and initially I thought I should go but now that I think about it I don't want to anymore.


A] I don't want to disturb him by being a stalker.


B] I'm currently undergoing my own personal transformation (i.e. losing weight, trying to remove pimples from my face, studying more etc.) and I don't want him to see me until the week after that so that he'll notice that there's an obvious difference.


It's tough to make all these changes but I want to succeed and I am determined to follow all of this through.




The first time I got my heart broken I changed for the worse.


Now, I just want to improve and show him that he'd be missing out on something if he doesn't respond positively in any way.


I thought I'd try to get over him but listening to Rascal Flatts songs makes me fall for him harder.


It's impossible to believe but I still really do like him.


When people mention his name or even his surname, I feel so elated and bubbly.


I like him a lot.


:)


Wherever this leads to, I know that I have to be brave to face the consequences.




I'm kind of not giving up hope because my situation reminds me of the manga Kimi wa Petto (one of my all time favourite mangas by far).


You should read it if you have the time. It's a completed work so there is an ending, sadly.


The bit that seems like my situation is how the heroine of the story likes her senior but the senior never took notice of her in that way and only treated her as a friend but when they got older, he started to like her.


She went off with a different, younger guy though in the end and either way, she had a happy ending. :)




I'm really tempted to text him but I will hold myself back because he must be studying seriously now.


And so, I shall study right now as well since I have a Biology test tomorrow. :)




Also, I'm thinking of using his real name cause it sounds so much more (in my opinion) hotter but maybe not.




I like you.




Also, I realised something when I read back all my previous texts to him.


I was obviously showing him that I like him a lot.


Yet, he was so super nice to me during the club party.


And by then, I didn't even talk to him or interact with him for almost a week.


So... Does that mean he's okay with me liking him?


Is there, maybe, hope for me?


Or is he just fascinated with the fact that someone likes him and therefore he wants to play around with that person?


Regardless of the possibilities, at least I know that I do have a bit of his attention.


I'll probably text him good luck next Sunday, as a friend of course.




I shall end this post with lyrics from Rascal Flatts' From Time to Time.


"My feelings are so strong in me I feel it through and through."

And I try to run away but I keep telling myself that he's the one for me

I have no idea what I'm doing.


Part of me is trying to let go of this feeling for him because I know that I have very small hope to even become his friend cause I already screwed up that part.


Another part is still hoping and that part annoys me because I know that I'm only going to hurt myself even more.




When I logged into Facebook just now, I didn't even want to look at his page so I went to other people's profile and then I saw his face in one of the photos.


Why did he have to have such a winning smile?


Why did he have to look so good and cute and perfect?


Why the hell do I still have these feelings for him?




In a sense, I feel happy cause I thought that I wouldn't be able to see him for a whole month but it turns out that I'll get to see him in two weeks or so cause he'll be coming back to school to sit for his examination.


I know that he isn't studying seriously for his test right now and I wish I could do something to motivate him to try to achieve good grades.




I know this is hard to believe cause I myself find it impossible to believe it but I think about him all the time.


All the time.


And I'm not even going out with him.


I try so hard to think about other things like my friends and studies and all but I just can't.


One second, I think about something else and then before I know it, whatever it was that I was thinking about causes me think about him.




I feel so unworthy to like a guy like him.


I mean, he isn't perfect or anything but I just wish I had the qualities to be a better person for him, maybe even the qualities a girl should have that he likes.


I wish I knew what type of girl he likes. If he was a celebrity, I would have known.


But then again, if he was a celebrity, I wouldn't have even met him so I thank my lucky stars for that.




I just wish that he'd find me interesting and that he'd like me.




I know that he isn't the only guy out there but he is a guy that I know I can relate to, someone who possibly has the same brainwave as me.




I can't believe that I still like you.


You could be playing with my feelings for all I know but I still like you and yes, I am a fool for being like this.


You're too nice.


I wish you weren't.


I'd be easier to grow to dislike you and forget you.




I wish I had done things differently.


Maybe then right now would have been different.


But then again, everything happens for a reason according to God's will so I will put my life into his hands and let him decide which path I should take even if I do hope for a different outcome because God's plan for me is definitely the best one for me.


I just have to be patient for now.

Isn't it obvious?

I know now for sure that Ivy likes him.


She posted on his timeline: Why didn't we take a picture together?


She got 3 likes, all from her close friends.


Luckily, none from his.




Honestly, I don't know how I'll be able to compete with her cause she's super skinny, has a face that's crystal clear and she's noticeably more shorter than him.


I'm the complete opposite.




I'm not sure if Law is playing with my feelings or not but I do know for sure that the next time he sees me, he'll see a completely different person and maybe, perhaps, he'd feel regret.


Regret for what? I'm not exactly sure.


This transformation process is a bit hard, but I'm determined to succeed.




But he doesn't seem like the type to play around with anyone's feelings from what I can observe and from what I gather.




Why did he pick me to go after him?


Why didn't he pick anyone else?


Was it because he didn't know anyone else?


Not really, cause he knows Jean and at that time, she was also available to be chosen since she didn't get the chance to play yet.


And when he chose me, he didn't even pause to think when Ms Dee asked him the question.


Like he knew he was going to choose me.




I've got a Physics test tomorrow so I'm turning in early tonight.


I must strive harder to become beautiful.

His last day of formal college education

Which means that he won't be going to college anymore.


He'll only be coming back in May when he sits for his A2 examination.


I feel quite okay about it but I know that I will not feel that excited about school anymore.


Time will definitely pass by so slowly now that I no longer have the first and the second break to look forward to.


I'm going to miss seeing him and hearing his voice.


Anyway...


Our club held our Farewell/Welcoming party today after school and sadly, only three seniors came (Law, Angel and Ray).


It was a bit sad but we made the party work partly cause we have an awesome club teacher, Ms Dee. :)


At first when the three of them first came, I felt a bit awkward so I didn't dare to go near them and I only went to the table after everyone was there.


Then, I coordinated the ice-breaking game and I noticed that whenever I talked, he looked at me and grinned.


Of course, I didn't dare to look at him.


Even Helen said that when she kept her eye on him, she saw him look at me over the rim of his cup when he was drinking and that he smiled whenever I spoke.


I was a bit scared to approach him especially when I had to give the seniors and Ms Dee a slice of the cake that I baked (which looked like a total mess thanks to the unsuccessful caramel icing =-=;).


He was the last one that I gave a cake to.


I said "Law" and gave him his plate and he said "Thank you" and I think he smiled.


After that, we ate some more and then we played "The Box".


"The Box" is a game where you choose a topic from a box and then you give your opinion about it. Then, you pick who you want to choose the next topic to talk about.


I kept on waiting for my turn cause I wanted to get a really awesome topic but somehow, no one seemed to choose me.


Then, Angel picked Law.


His issue: If you could, who would you want to have dinner with?


He took a long time to think and he finally said "Rascal Flatts" which drew questions from everyone and when Jean asked him who they were he said "You have sinned my child!"


Rascal Flatts is an American country band and I'm currently listening to all their songs starting from their first album Rascal Flatts.


They are really amazing, and I am impressed.


He has good taste in music. :)


Anyway...


After he finished answering, Ms Dee said "Okay, choose the next person."


Then, he turned to look at me, grinned and said "Beth."


"Beth."


I was a bit shocked but I reached out to take the box from him and proceeded to find my issue and I got the exact same question as him.


When I said that I got the same question, everyone was silent for a while and then I proceeded to take a different issue.


My issue: What would it take to impress your parents?


I said some crap that came out more emo than it should have and now I got people thinking that I have a screwed up life.


When it was time for the seniors to get their presents, they had to draw slips cause it was a lucky draw style.


At first, he didn't get my present.


Then since there were still a lot of presents, they had a second round of drawing the slips.


The second time, he did.


Crappy and cheesy I know, but, I felt like it was fate.


Really.


What was the probability that he'd get my present?


1 out of 9.


Jean also gave him one of the bookmarks that I drew and decorated and wrote.


She gave him the prettiest one and he read it right there and then and he tried to look for a name but I didn't write my name down cause you know, Jean asked us not to cause we weren't even sure who'd show up so the message was very general.


Anyway, at the end of the party, my friends kept on egging me to take a picture together with him but thankfully I refused and thankfully any embarrassing thing I almost did got stopped by people.


When people started leaving, I placed my bag on the table after the clean up and I sat down and started taking stuff out so that I could revise and I noticed that my seniors were still there.


Then Law announced that he was going to get his car so that he could send Angel and another senior, who joined us for the party, to their car cause it was raining so he went ahead. Then, Angel talked with me.

Angel: Oh, you're not going home yet?

Me: Oh no. I go home at 6.

Angel: *Shocked face* Why?

Me: My brother finishes school at that time.

Angel: Where do you live?

Me: I live at xxx.

Angel: Oh. I'm only going to yyy.

Ray: Me and Law are driving to xxx.

Angel: Do you think you can send her?

Ray: Which part do you live?

Other senior: She lives near the zzz area.

Me: It's about a 5 minute drive from the venue where we held the Election Board party.

Then before he could even agree or disagree, someone interrupted our conversation.

I was almost sent home by Law.

So close.

So close.

But it's kind of a good thing that I didn't get sent home by him.

I talked with Ms Dee after that cause her ride was late and somehow we got around to the love topic.

Ms Dee: So, do you have someone special?

Me: No. But, I like someone...

Ms Dee: Really? From which class? 1st class? 2nd class?-

Me: Actually, he's a year 2.

Ms Dee: Who?! Tell me, I know all of them.

Me: He was here just now.

Ms Dee: Do I know him?

Me: Yes.

Ms Dee: Is it Ray??? (Me: *Shakes head*) No, he's not your type. (How did she know?!) Who is it?

Me: He was here just now.

Ms Dee: Who?

Me: He sat between Angel and Ray just now.

Ms Dee: *Gasps* OH! You mean Law? (Me: *Nods*) He's a really kind guy but when you get together with him, you must make him know God (cause he's kind of a non-believer).

Me: Of course!

She had to go after that cause her ride came and she said that I could always go to her if I had any questions about stuff like these cause she has had "a lot of experience".

Notice she said "when you get together with him".

It's like she really expects me to get together with him.

That we'll end up together.

:)

Also, I know now that at least he doesn't hate me or find me annoying or is avoiding me.

He's a really nice guy.

I felt like he expected me to do something.

The way he said my name, it felt special.

He actually pronounced my real name in the correct way even though most people pronounce it wrongly (and I'm more used to being called with the wrongly pronounced name).

I love hearing his voice.

And I love hearing him say my name.

I wish I could hear him every day.

I'd go into more details and stuff but it's already 1 am here so I have to go now.

I must seriously start to change for the better for him.

I hope that we will continue to work on whatever relationship we have right now. :)

Going to miss him seeing him at school.

A careful rekindling

Maybe it's because I only got two hours of sleep last night (due to my English project) but I was really high today.


I laughed for no reason and I talked to more people than usual and I even cracked lame jokes.


I haven't felt so happy about something other than Law in such a long time.


Also, I got the butterflies again today. For Law.


I haven't honestly felt that for a long time.


Maybe it's because I didn't see him for four days but all the same, when I saw his back, I felt that familiar feeling that I used to get when I first started having a crush on him.


And his hair grew so long within four days!!!


It's almost around the same length as Lee Jong Hyun's one right now but slightly shorter and more neater. :)


He was only there for the first break though and I sat a table away from him, behind another group of people because I didn't know if I could face him or not without squirming in my seat.


I looked horrible anyway what with my eye bags and sudden outburst of pimples. Urgh.


Saw Jean talking with him. Wish I had her courage but then again, she doesn't have feelings for him.


I sat with Dianne (one of my friends who knows about Law) while waiting for Helen.


When we were about to leave, she told me that she had something to tell me.


Apparently, while she was asking around where I was, Law overheard her say my name and he looked up in her direction while he was going down the stairs.


That really gave me hope and even though I tried to calm myself down, my overly tired self got even more hyperactive.


I don't know if Law heard me going crazy cause he was quite near us and he even walked behind Helen and I as we were going up the stairs.


My voice got louder while I was talking with Helen as Law approached and I kind of hate myself for doing that.


But, I noticed that he was kind of doing the same thing.


So, I can conclude that at least he isn't avoiding me or anything.


Okay, going to sleep now and hopefully I'll get to be even more focused on my studies as my test starts this Saturday.

Feeling great weirdly enough

Yes indeed I feel really good somehow. :D


Maybe it's because of the Mass this morning?


I feel like it's okay for me to still like him and that this situation will improve.


In fact, this was my horoscope reading for today (from a new place!) and I actually smiled and grinned.

Phone tag isn't very much fun, is it? If you have been playing it far too long with far too many people, then today you need to call a time out. If you and another person can't hook up, then the two of you aren't meant to hook up right now. Don't stress out about it or get frustrated. And do not entertain any ideas whatsoever that anyone could be avoiding you on purpose. Thinking like that will only put you on a path of thinking things about this other person that they don't deserve.

So... I really feel good.

I exercised a lot today and I hope that I'll find enough discipline in me to continue to do this for a lifetime if possible. 

It wasn't that hard to get back into it again.

I have to cut this short cause I need to do my English project.

I won't be able to see him a lot this week and somehow that's okay with me. :)

My sister said that he probably already knows that I like him (you don't say?) and I find it actually quite comforting to know that he does know that fact.

And that he actually still texted me. :)

Okay, need to stop now for real. XD

The theory of relativity

I felt so out of place today just because I didn't see him the whole day.


Yes, I'm supposed to be ignoring him as much as I don't want to but I feel bad because I have to do something so vile.


For the first time in three months, I spent one of my breaks inside the lecture hall.


It was only for the first break though cause no one else wanted to go downstairs and I didn't want to be alone.


I really did feel awkward in there.


Previously, 20 minutes was really not enough for me for a break.


Today, it felt like a million years.


He really did preoccupy a lot of my thoughts and... whenever I was near him, time flew by in a nanosecond.


I can't focus too much on him next week cause I'll be having my tests in a fortnight.


I am really behind in my studies because I've been thinking about him too much in the past month so I must do my best to focus at the important task at hand.


I rejected the scholarship today and it felt good.


I sincerely hope he doesn't hate me.


Hoping that as time passes by, this whole thing would just clear up. It should anyway.


Going to become more patient.


Need to study a lot tomorrow. And do my projects as well.

Everything happens for a reason

I feel like I screwed up any buddings of friendship that he and I could have had.


I was just too impatient to rush things and maybe I scared him off or something.


At least he was nice enough to reply to my texts, really. I'm so grateful that he did.


I didn't text him after test today and I was really tempted to. I might break my abstinence tomorrow though if I do happen to see him.


I only saw him once today and I might have been able to see him again if I weren't so scared to look at where the year twos were.


At least I know that whatever it is that's happening between us (if there is anything that is) not a lot of people know about it cause Blair treated me quite normally today.


I'm hoping that as the time increases and lengthens, so will this whole thing repair itself.


If possible, by next Friday cause it'll be the club party and I don't know how I'll be able to face him properly without making things awkward.


I wonder if he's wondering why I didn't text him.


Maybe he's too busy with Ivy or something.




I really hope he doesn't hate me.


I got offered a scholarship but I don't want it cause I'm not interested in Geophysics.


Also... there will be a camp that I have to participate in if I want to get that scholarship and it will happen next week lasting from Thursday until Saturday and surprisingly, the first thing that came into my mind was "I won't be able to see Law./Will he care that I'm not there?"


I freaking wish I didn't screw up.


I bet if I had been more patient, we could have at least been friends.


I just hope that it will be able to heal.

Battleship

Got screwed by mom cause I went out with my friends to watch Rihanna act in Battleship which was a quite okay movie if you love gun fights and all (especially if you like Transformers).


Somehow, going out with them turned out to be one of the best things yet that's happened to me this week.


For one, I don't feel so depressed about the whole thing.


Second, I don't really feel all so dramatic about what I'm going to do tomorrow.


I mean, I still like him cause this feeling is really hard to shake off (especially since he's a really nice person), but, I'm not going to be some meany by ignoring him completely or making it obvious that I'm ignoring him.


In a way, maybe, but not as extreme as I had initially planned to do.


My initial plan won't work anyway since I'll be coming to college late. =-=;


I wonder if he'll wonder if I don't text him tomorrow.


I mean, it's kind of like a routine, you know, wishing him good luck and asking how his exam was.


Yeah... I'll miss that routine. :')


And I'm feeling quite calm now really even though I didn't get to talk to Helen last night (she was fast asleep).


As for me, it took some time for me before I finally went to sleep, listening to all my nostalgic songs.


I felt really awful in the morning.


When I went to visit my sister and her team, their energy really affected me and I got frustrated and upset (they weren't bad, it's just that they were trying to portray those emotions and they were really good).


I got very depressed because all these flashbacks of how I treated him and how I expected him to treat me went through my mind.


Like the times when he helped me and the times when he smiled and grinned.


Especially the times when he smiled and grinned at me.


Suddenly, I can see his face vividly in my mind.


The way how his smiles and grins are slightly lopsided. How his eyes sparkle when he's excited or when he's pissed off. His awkward slouch.


I realise now why I was so attracted to him.


He was being himself.


The first time I got crushed by a guy that I like (I didn't confess to him, just that I gave up hope), I changed for the worse.


In Law's case, I feel like I need to improve even more.


That's why I'm actually exercising and studying more now.


Cause, I hope that the next time he sees me, he'll at least regret for a bit.


I want to be myself. Not a changed-for-the-worse person.


But I don't hate him.


He treated me very nicely and I'm so thankful for that.


I feel like I have matured a bit more.


I don't want to be mean to him and treat him badly.


Okay, going to play Dragon Nest before I sleep. :)

The honest and painful truth

I feel like a complete fool now. Like a total complete fool.


Rainie and Summer already asked me to ignore him already for the rest of my time in college but I just had to text him one more time.


But how am I supposed to ignore him when I hardly talk or SMS with him in the first place?


That's one of the lame reasons why I decided to text him.

Me: Hope today test wasn't too hard. :) Rest well and study hard!

Law: Its physics paper 5. Kinda like peka but abit harder cause you gotta plan yourself. Its not bad though since there is alof of freedom. (Grammar errors I know)

Me: Hate that paper the most. It's like practical and I suck at that. The freedom bit got its cons cause then you don't know if you're right or wrong.

I waited for thirty minutes before I texted him but now I regret it.

Cause maybe, I was playing too hard to get.

Regardless, I'm really going to ignore him on Thursday. For real. At least there's an excuse for me to ignore him now.

Cause I can't do it tomorrow as there's no school tomorrow.

Also... I really do think that he and Ivy is together.

She spammed his timeline with kitten videos again and he commented two minutes before I went online.

And then, I found out that I couldn't see his activity in the activity slot on the right side panel.

June wasn't very supportive with how I felt but in a way, that's good I guess.

I really.... I really feel sad and upset right now.

This really seems like Sumire no Blue but I know that I won't end up with him.

And somehow, knowing that hurts me really bad.

I honestly feel like crying but I can't cause my mom's right in front of me.

Want to know what my love prediction says???

Your efforts will soon bring wonderful - well earned - success and happiness.

Thank the universe for all the love you will receive and soon you will start to see the wonderful changes.

What a laugh. I really don't see how any of them will happen.

Was I too late in acting and doing anything?

I don't know. I have no idea.

The worse bit is that I still am holding onto this small bit of hope in my heart that keeps telling me to just hold on.

I thought the second time I'd like a guy (that I actually know and talk to) and get pushed away would be less painful.

But it hurts even more.

It does.

I think I'm going to call Helen before I go to sleep.

Cause I'm too ashamed of myself to call my sisters. But maybe I will later.

Can't tell Summer cause she's stressed out about her school activities now.

After exercising just now, I felt really better but now...

It just sucks like hell.

Sumire no Blue

I felt like reading Obata Yuuki's Sumire no Blue just now.


I haven't read mangas in a long time so it took awhile for me to get adjusted to it.


But all in all, I can finally relate to that story. Like for real.


I could never understand the whole "I like him, I hope he doesn't hate me" and "I won't give up on liking him" and all that.


For girls who are in a bit of a love dilemma and for those who are uncertain about what to do to act on your feelings, you guys will be able to relate to this manga very well.


I know I did. I got several heartcramps and I almost felt like crying.


Cause I know, I really do know, exactly how she felt.




But why did I really feel like reading that?




Well, today, I felt like I just had to text him after I saw what Ivy posted on his timeline.




I saw him early in the morning with Ray at the assembly hall, studying for their trials today and I did my best to not look in his direction. Then, when June came, we both went upstairs but then after we placed our bags in the lecture hall, we went back down cause I needed to buy paper clips and sweets (they keep me awake during lectures).


So when we were going back, I stopped by the table where I usually sit at in the morning while waiting for everyone to come to show Helen my sweets.


And she confiscated them.


So I got a little bit crazy cause I really needed to keep myself awake with them but she only gave me three sweets.


And I fell asleep during Biology because of that. Haha.


Anyway, June and I went back up after that.




Then, I asked June whether or not I should text him but she discouraged me saying that it would be too obvious and she gave other reasons as well so my courage faded and I got disheartened.


I went to the washroom towards the end of the second lecture and when I came out, Sasha also happened to come out and she smiled at me.

Sasha: Hey. :)

Me: Hey hey. :)

Sasha: Did you know what happened when you went up just now?

Me: Huh?

Sasha: When Helen was confiscating your sweets?

Me: What happened?

Sasha: When you went up, he kept on looking at our table.

Me: Are you sure?

Sasha: Yes.

And then I got so much energy and positive feelings from all of those.

So during the first break, I sat with Helen and a couple of other friends (although I'm not really close with those guys) as well as Roy and also with another one of my friends who knows about Law, Trish.

I updated Trish abut Law and then she said that I should just text him.

I typed out a text and my thumb was hovering around the 'send' button so Helen got impatient and she just pressed my thumb.

And then I hid my phone.

And when I heard my message tone, I didn't even bother to check cause I just squealed.

Helen checked it for me and she confirmed that it was indeed him.

Here are the few texts that we sent each other back and forth.

Me: Hey hey.  :)  How was exam just now?

Law: Physics... Killer.... My god it was worst than chemistry.

Me: What paper was it oh? Paper 2? Can't imagine anything worse than chemistry. :S

Law: Its paper 4 which is kinda like paper 2. We dont have objective anymore...

Me: That sucks like bad. At least you got Wednesday!  :)  So no test for one day. Darnigans. Just realised you're in exam now.

Okay, you should know something.

I only got brave enough to do that cause I thought that he would have left college as soon as the first paper ended.

But he didn't.

And I got the shock of my life when I saw that he was still standing outside the exam hall so Trish and I walked immediately into our lecture hall which is right across the exam hall.

When I told Ariel what I did, she told me that before I came and after I went into the lecture hall, he seemed to be always staring in the lecture hall's direction.

And he was one of the last ones to go inside the hall together with Ray.

His last message came at 10.27 am and his exam was supposed to start at 10.10 am.

Was he waiting for my reply???

For now, I can confirm that he really does know that it's me who's sending the messages.

Just remembered something, when he was talking with Ray while I was on my way up with Trish (after I replied him) when I saw him and he was smiling and grinning together with Ray.

He replied to me when I got inside the lecture hall.

I was blushing throughout that whole time.

I really don't know what to think of my situation now.

I'm currently talking with one of my old primary school mates, Mandy. Amazing how we can still talk very much like how we used to (except on a much more grown up level) and I'm telling her about Law cause she saw my journal on deviantart.

Also, my Chinese horoscope for today was this: Your love life is about to get extremely interesting today. If you are still single, you may meet someone whose religious beliefs, values or moral traditions are different from yours. Keep an open mind, they might not be as different as you think.

And tomorrow it's this: It's a very romantic day today. You will be a bit scattered and day-dreamy, with your head in the clouds. Fortunately for you there is an old fuddy-duddy in your family who grabs you by the ankles and pulls you back down to earth at moments like this.

And supposedly, throughout this week, it's a very good romantic week.

I must not think too much. Really.

But Sumire no Blue really gave me hope.

Like I shouldn't give up on him.

I'll just see where all of this falls into place.