Dependency

I have the feeling that I am just hitting puberty at this age right now. What a laugh.

Suddenly I'm buying feminine clothes I would have normally run away from this exact moment last year. And now I actually care how I look.

That being said, I definitely don't want to gain anymore than I already have. Hopefully I'll be able to lose weight in the coming year, at least by 5 kg.

Anyway, coming to the real subject here, I got a fairly odd dream last night and it wasn't about Prince or even Law or Red or Victor or about any other guy in this blog.

It was about a guy in the hunger camp I went to in August who was the leader of that camp.

The main thing that I remember is that he liked me, or something like that, and he wanted to show me around his campus. While he was doing that, he had his arm around me the whole time and my head was on his chest the whole time.

Sick, I know.

But I felt really secure... somehow?

I think it's cause all this time, people have always been relying on me (even when they're supposed to be the one to lead the way) and I have never felt comfortable putting a job in anyone's hands since I can't trust people to handle certain things easily.

For instance, with Isa and Yu, I can't trust them with our group project even though they're both older than me.

When I think about the dream I had last night, I can't help but wonder how it'll feel like to finally be able to depend on someone else and to feel like they can take care of me.

Mainly speaking about guys here.

But I guess this feeling will have to prolong for a while longer since I must concentrate on my studies.

I'll be able to see Prince soon! :) And for that I am really thankful for.

I must do my best to look prettier for him! :)

A week from now

I'll be preparing to go back to Milan which is a good thing although I am not exactly excited at the thought of leaving the comforts of home. I am, however, excited to finally do some work and studying cause there'll be less distractions there and I intend to be a super nerd up until the major exams.

Which means, I must do my best to not let my mind to fall into the temptation of being in a whirl because of Prince.

As cheesy as this sounds, I've been thinking about Prince everyday ever since I got back.

I'll forget him for two hours or so but then he'll suddenly reappear in my mind.

I really wish I wasn't such a shy person. I wish I could talk with him but then I don't know the right words to say and I might end up looking stupid.

Maybe I'll get the chance when I go back? Who knows?

I shall sleep early tonight. Hopefully I can get some serious work done tomorrow.

Third time's a charm, among other things

I meant to post this up earlier but I didn't get to.

The thing here is, I dreamt about Prince again. And that was the night after the night I had the second dream. In other words, I dreamt about him 3 days in a row. Seriously, am I that attracted to him?

However, when I get back to university life, I am definitely not going to spend too much of my time focusing on him because I really want to study hard and I have so many things to attend to. I feel like crying and all but really there's no use to that.

In the wee morning hours of Boxing Day, my sisters and I became house elves (because we were clearing the dishes away and putting the house straight after the Christmas dinner) and we began talking about relationships and all of that since all of them are currently (more or less) in a relationship and they all have a whole lot of experience.

Yeah, initially I felt jealous and whatnot but then Skye said that we shouldn't expect things too much and one way or another, the right one will come along. Rainie also chimed in since it really happened to her. Somehow, their words put me at rest.

Thus, and I hope, I won't be too shallow minded and I will not concentrate too much on these things. As much as I want to be in a relationship, if it isn't meaningful and if it doesn't improve myself, then there isn't much use for me to be in one.

I think, for now, it's okay to harbour a minor crush on Prince but I really shouldn't expect too much unless something does happen. And, I guess, it's okay to hope for something but I shouldn't really expect for something to suddenly happen.

I shall now go off to sleep and hopefully I'll be able to do my project tomorrow.

And another

I dreamt about him again last night but I completely forgot all the details.

Wow, am I really that attracted to him or something? I mean, this never did happened for me when I liked Law.

I chatted with a guy friend of mine on Facebook and when I talked about Prince, I didn't get as hyper as I used to be when I used to like Law. I guess I'm finally coming to my senses about this whole romantic thing.

When I get back though I'll be focusing more of my attention on studying a lot so hopefully nothing will distract me too much.

To bed now. Good night. :)

Mysterious

I'm not sure if it's because I didn't see him for a week or if it's because yesterday was a Thursday but I got a dream about Prince. It was extremely odd and it's probably just my brain going on a hyper mode.

For some weird reason, I was back in my old primary school and there we were in a classroom with some of my past and recent classmates. Then, one of my old classmates (who was sitting next to him) went to me and asked for my help with Automation Engineering (it's not even a real subject unlike Physics =-=) and wanted me to sit next to her and explain stuff to her after we went to a mini sports festival, giving me the knowing look all the while.

I didn't want to be a chicken and run away (which is what I always do in all of my dreams) so I agreed. Then after the sports festival, we had to clean up stuff so a couple of other guys, him, and myself cleaned the place up. He went off earlier though since I was so preoccupied with talking to some other people who came along to help.

When I got back to class, I completely forgot about helping my friend and when I finally took a seat and remembered, I woke up.

It's pretty odd. :|

One of these days I'll draw a picture of Law and Prince. Just for the heck of it.

But I finally found a celebrity who looks like Law!

Introducing Ray of C-Clown! New celebrity crush! :D

Yeah, in some angles, he almost looks like Law.

Well now I have to go do some cleaning up before I get a head start on my project of which, I'm a bit worried about. Things aren't turning out the way that I wanted.

Also, I just got a haircut! Hopefully it'll grow out a bit before I go back to Milan. :)

On coming home

For some really weird reason, I got super upset on the day that I left Milan. It's cause I won't get to see him for a long time.

But when I reached home, I didn't have that feeling anymore with me so I am thankful because there's always another time and, if it's not meant to be him, then there will be another guy. I can't be too closed minded about things.

I'm going to really improve myself so that the next time Prince sees me, he'll be at the very least surprised with how I look. In my dreams that'll happen but it is nice to dream.

Will sleep soon. :)

Before you go

Well, nothing happened at all today. Nothing.

He came in late (the test started later, thank goodness for him) and he proceeded to sit at the back row next to the girl that I thought had a crush on him since the front was full. Somehow, I could feel the icy atmosphere between both of them.

He went to sit in the front row after that though (since there had to be at least one table between two candidates) and because of that, towards the end of the test, I couldn't concentrate. I waited around for him to leave when I should've left first and when I got started on an unneeded paragraph and saw him standing up, I quickly cancelled it out and got up to leave. A fool, I know.

He was easily disturbed throughout the test. Whenever someone came in front to hand in their paper, he'd look up before he looked back down.

I felt really disappointed that I didn't get to talk with him today. The heaviness hung tightly around my heart as I walked home surrounded by the icy cold wind. Yeah, sounds like a bunch of crap, but that's how I really felt.

I won't be able to see him for a long time and I don't know when I'll get to see him next because I don't know when he'll be coming back for school, if he's going to go back to his hometown that is.

Not in the best of moods now. I will sleep now.

12 is my favourite number

So is 4, 7, and 19. Automatically, I think of my favourite numbers as my lucky charms and in a sense, I'm auspicious about them.

Hence, since today was the 12th of December of the year 2012, I automatically assumed that a miracle will happen to me. Nothing much happened though and as disappointed as I am, the size is insignificant compared to the disappointment that used to wallow me up last time when I used to like Law.

I should really be studying now but I can't seem to bring myself to study Urban Planning until I finish this post so hopefully after I type everything out I'll stop procrastinating.

For our morning class, a different lecturer took the place of our usual lecturer and the subject was really interesting although I couldn't comprehend it fully since it was about conceptual art and the use of it in architecture. I will definitely study and read up more about it.

During a short break (2-3 minutes short) something made me want to glance to my right and the second I did, I noticed that Prince was sitting on the other side. I think he caught me looking since I turned away immediately when he turned in our direction but I don't know for sure.

I am shocked that he attended that class cause usually he doesn't but I think he came for the special lecture.

For the afternoon lecture. he came in 5 minutes into the lesson and when he entered, he appeared to go to the other side of the hall and I found myself wishing that he'd sit at our side. He then stopped in his tracks and went over to our side and for a moment, it seemed that he hesitated to sit with some guys he knew before he sat down. It looked like he wanted to sit at the empty row in front of us but he didn't.

In the first part of the lesson, I accidentally kicked Yu's paper bag under her chair and it created a loud noise but only he turned to look in our direction. No one else seemed to care.

At another time, Yu needed to talk with her roommate through the phone so I stood up and got out of the row to let her pass through. At first, Prince didn't seem to notice but then I noticed that he suddenly turned to look behind even though the whole procedure was generally very quiet. He turned back in front after I sat down. I felt like he was checking to see whether or not I was going to leave class. I always feel like he's looking at me but then again, that's just a feeling.

He participated at the beginning of the lesson but got sleepier towards the end and by  the time the break came, he went home. I went to ask the professor some questions while he exited and somehow, it seemed like he was delaying in going back and when his friend left behind something in the place where they were sitting, he went to pick it up and even though his friend wasn't in the hall anymore, he kept calling his friend's name before he exited.

And for that I'm a bit pissed with myself because I resolved to speak with him that day but I just couldn't. I wonder why it's so hard for me to strike a conversation with him.

Anyhow, everything happens for a reason so I will just see whether I'll get the opportunity tomorrow or not. I really hope that I'll have more courage since tomorrow will be the last day that I'll get to see him as I'll be leaving for Malaysia on Friday.

Dear God, please let me be able to talk with him tomorrow, even if it's just for 5 minutes.

On the verge of exhaustion

Not been having enough sleep. Can't seem to focus mind. Haven't seen him for almost a week.

If I go into one of my hyper moods due to lack of sleep... I can only imagine what will happen tomorrow.

I'd love to get to speak with him though.

Good night. :)

A turn here and a turn there

I just re-read some of my past blog entries and somehow, I feel so much more mature now then I was then, not in general but mainly on the falling in love aspect. I was extremely childish then to believe that things will always turn out the way that I hope it to be.

I really must thank Law and my old self for having gone through that experience because if I didn't, I would have been even more obnoxious now. Thank you so much.

Anyhow, that's why despite my huge interest in Prince, I am really being wary of everything.

We had Urban Planning again today and when he walked into class, Yu immediately gave me the look and I don't know why but I felt myself forming a smile. I wasn't as cool as I was yesterday sadly. I managed to stop smiling though haha.

He sat in the same row as us but he sat on the other side of the room so I didn't have much chance to look at him but it's okay. Well, not really. Since I didn't have something to distract me I kept nodding off and I did my best to stay awake. He was in the same row and side with the girl that I thought liked him but apparently she doesn't cause she switched seats after the break.

During break time he went to our side to begin talking with his friends who were sitting in front of us and I did my best to not stare at him.

At one point I said "Yes!" loudly and he turned to look in my direction. If it was really that loud, I'm sure his friends would've turned as well but they didn't.

And as childish as this may seem, I just want to hope that he turned to look at me because he already noticed me the minute he sauntered over to our side.

Towards the end of the lecture, our lecturer began summing up the class and at one point he used me as an example (since I come from Malaysia and we have different urban regulations there) and he (and a lot of people) turned to look at me. His reaction was a bit more quick somehow.

And then when I spoke up again to ask a very lame question, he also turned to look again.

And I don't know why but I just felt that he looked over to our side every now and then but I couldn't tell for sure since I couldn't exactly turn my head to look at him. There was one time that he rested his head on his arms and his face looked like it was facing our way and by instinct I turned to look at his side and when I did, he immediately sat up and faced the other side. It could just be my imagination.

I went out earlier than him, sadly, and I walked in the direction that he did yesterday since I wanted to go to Carrefour but we didn't meet at any point.

If I do get the chance to talk with him, at least I know I won't be as nervous as last time. I will do my best to not ruin anything.

I wonder why he really interests me. Maybe it's cause he looks like a Kai and Lee Jong Hyun hybrid hahaha. I don't think that's just it though. His aura, the way he holds himself, it catches my attention a lot. He listens to Marilyn Manson and I gave the music a try (and it is really scary TT^^TT) and I thought it'd turn me off but surprisingly, he catches my attention even more.

Maybe I'll get to see him this coming Tuesday. Otherwise, I'll just have to wait for 6 more days till I get to see him.

And now I will bath and sleep early cause I want to wake up early to do my studio homework.

Despite it all

Well, something really small (very extremely tiny) happened today between me and Prince but I am currently stuck in a blue situation and even though I may not realise it, I am tired. But I will do some studying after this until hopefully 1 am and maybe I'll be able to at least study 3 lectures. Make notes of them that is.

Moving on to the real subject, the main purpose of this blog that is, I will now record the things about what happened today regarding Prince.

As you may well see, if you've been reading my posts all this while, he doesn't come much for lectures, only once or twice a week. And since today we were going to have Urban Planning, I knew for sure that he was going to attend class.

Yu, Isa and I sat at the back as usual but we chose the side that we didn't usually sit on, which is near the door, and I felt a bit sad because I kind of knew that Prince liked to sit at the seats located nearest to the door. And lo and behold, he did. Yu immediately gave me 'the look' but I managed just a smile because of this whole sadness thing.

He sat at the same row as the girl that I think likes him but he didn't sit near her and they didn't talk at all, from what I could see, so their friendship must have stretched out a bit. 

I'm not sure if it's just me, but when I asked a question in class, Prince (and a couple more of people) turned around immediately to look at me but I concentrated on looking at the lecturer. I can understand him being surprised if I never ask questions in class but he didn't look too surprised when other people began asking questions.

During break, while I was feeling even more down, he didn't leave the hall even once and started talking with his friend instead. A girl again haha. But he ended up sitting on our side of the class after break since that friend of his was sitting in front of us.

During the lecture, I got really really sleepy but I did my best to stay awake. On one of the times that I was conscious, I noticed that our lecturer showed us a map and somehow it seemed really familiar to me so I said to Yu in a small voice "Haven't we already seen that before?"

And when I said that, Prince turned around to look at me although no one else (not even Yu =-=)  did. I don't think my voice was that loud. Well, at least I hope so. At least I know he knows that I am present in that class as well.

Then when we were going back, I expected him to leave really early but instead he began talking with another guy (one of the few guys that I talk with haha). I wanted to hurry home so I rushed my things and said my good-byes to Yu and Isa.

At the same time that I was about to reach the door, Prince also stopped talking with his friend so when I went out, he was coming out too. So I pushed the door back a bit for him before I went off. I didn't even look at him haha. Why didn't he use the other door, I wonder. It was nearer to him.

When I was going down the stairs, I looked back, but he wasn't behind me so I just wore my earphones and set off.

I needed to withdraw cash so I had to cross the road and I wanted to take a short cut but it seemed really unladylike (cause I'd have to climb over two fences) so I began walking to the zebra crossing.

And that was when he suddenly walked past me and it somehow made me stop in my tracks and I found myself hoping that he needed to cross the street as well but it turned out that he didn't have to so we parted there. When I reached the other side of the road, I looked back and watched him walk away and I couldn't help thinking that he must've been cold because he wasn't wearing a jacket and I myself felt really really cold.

So that's about it for today.

I must really get on to studying now. :)

I pray that God will be able to help me now and guide me through these difficult times and hopefully I'll become more mature.

Surprise! Again haha

I kind of pretty much gave up on seeing Prince in lectures again.

I hoped that I'd get to see him today.

In the afternoon, Yu texted me and said she wouldn't be able to come for the afternoon lecture since there was a strike going on by the metro train drivers. We talked a bit and I said I wished that Prince would come today but she mentioned the strike again so I knew very few people would come.

The outcome was quite decent though cause, I suppose, many people live near campus.

And then the lecture started and I started to get really scared for my exams from the way our professor was explaining it so I resolved to pay a lot of attention in class and I will also do a lot of revising and studying. 

Thank goodness that's the only mid-term exam that we have. I must study hard all the same.

I really concentrated a lot in that class and even asked some questions even though some sounded pretty lame in my opinion and I realised how little I actually knew about Urban Planning.

Then a guy from Cuba started explaining land use rights and the property owners (or something like that) so I turned south east to look at him and that's when I noticed that someone was sitting behind me.

And right away, I knew it was Prince.

It was a really brief glance but from the colour of his sweater alone (black-blue), I just knew it was him.

That really shocked me and surprised me because I really didn't notice him entering the classroom and sitting behind me and moreover, he was surprisingly quiet that whole time.

And yeah, my heart started racing very wildly.

And I thought that I didn't have anymore feelings of interest for him...

I wanted to talk with him after the lesson or during the break and I even gathered the courage to do so (since the day before yesterday Yu was brave enough to talk with a Japanese girl who's not even in our class) but another guy friend of mine kind of whisked him away and I didn't know how to join the conversation when it was break.

So I just sat in my seat while he sat on the table/metal wall behind. He left early to complete his assignment and I do regret not talking with him but all in all, I just believe that there will come a time for everything. Maybe then I'll be less nervous.

Throughout the time that he was sitting behind me, I noticed some things.

Like, after I actually realised he was sitting behind me, he became a bit more noisier and started sighing a bit here and there.

And when I cracked my knuckles, he did the same.

And I don't know why, I just felt like he wanted to speak with me as well.

And I have to stop here since it's 2.16 am and I need to sleep.

Seeing him really recharged my spirit in all aspects. :)

Exhaustion

So for the past few days I've only been getting around 4 hours of sleep or so in order to complete my assignments so as soon as I reached my dorm today, I conked out for 3 hours and I will go back to sleeping soon haha.

Prince didn't come for the morning lecture and I will be guessing that he won't attend that class for the rest of the semester haha. He came for the afternoon class and surprisingly he wasn't late this time.

At first he went to his friend's row (which was right in front of my friends and I) but they were slow to react so in the end he sat in front.

On a different note, I couldn't really focus my attention as I was too tired to understand much and I did my best to take down whatever I could decipher and understand.

During the break time I went out of class and I noticed all the smokers going to the open area and I wondered if he smokes as well but I passed by him in the hallway on my way back to class so I take it that he doesn't.

I remained in the hall for the rest of the break and Yu tried to teach me the correct ways to pronounce Chinese words. I felt that Isa was a bit left out and I tried to include her in but somehow she didn't really try to. Prince came up to his friend's place and he stood near me haha but I was too tired to pay attention to both him and Yu so I just continued talking with Yu.

Then, I saw him collect his things and he came up to the row and sat there and at that point Yu and I were getting hysterical over my pronunciation and he turned to look at me and that I was pretty sure of. 

But then again, I always become a bit more hyper when he's around haha.

I realised that people who like interacting with others will tend to look at someone when someone is talking so I know that at least he knows my existence and that it won't be much of a problem to begin speaking with him.

Wow. It's 2.00 am already. o.o

Okay, continuing on.

Well... there isn't much anyway. Just that when I lingered back a bit, he kind of did the same but I went out earlier than him in the end.

I'm just pleased cause even though he skips some classes, I know that he is actually a bright person. If he likes a subject then he will attend that particular class. He asked a lot of questions today haha.

Okay then, good night. :)

Blooming Sakura

I just finished reading Usami Maki's Haruyuki Bus and I love it. It touched me a lot.

Aside from that, it got me to thinking and wondering when will I ever experience something as beautiful as the manga expresses.

Is it wrong to like someone and wish to expect something in return?

Ever since I stopped liking Law, I've been too afraid to pursue anyone as seriously as I pursued him. I constantly rain down dark thoughts on myself when it comes to Prince and I am so scared of falling for him for real, just like the Law case.

Sometimes I wish I went to a Japanese school cause it seems like it's so easy to fall in love there and to hook up and get a boyfriend.

I wish I wasn't the only one with this interest and that the person that I'm interested in is also interested in me.

Mangas make you believe in such a soft-cushioned reality.

I start to imagine things, like if I do this and that something good will happen to me. Just like in mangas.

I can only wish they were real.

Remember

I have always been a seriously huge fan of manga drawings and stories and currently I am in a shoujo romantic comedy mood and even though I have assignments to be done, I can't stop reading them which is to say I'm sacrificing sleep in order to read them cause I read them in the afternoon and stay up at night to do my homework.

I love the idea of being in love, of being in a relationship, of finding that one guy who would love you for all your idiosyncrasies and flaws. I can always see it happening for others. I just can't see it happening to me.

All these manga main heroines have it easy, don't they?

A typical story goes like this: Girl falls in love with guy after guy bullied her/was kind to her and she's too afraid to say anything. Then some conflict arises and she realises how much she loves the guy so she confesses and it turns out that the guy loved her all the time.

So basically it's a happy ending.

I have yet to experience something like that. I'm actually very pessimistic about that I mean, seriously, I don't think I'm that lucky.

I could continue liking Prince, like the Law case, but this doesn't mean he likes me or that he might fall for me.

And then I begin to doubt myself.

When will I get to experience a good relationship?

All, and I mean all, of my siblings have had or are in a relationship, including my younger sister and brother and yes, I am incredibly jealous of all of them. I am also incredibly jealous of all those manga heroines cause they're living my dream.

I just wonder when it'll be my turn next.

Somewhat neutral I think

Was late for class but I managed to get a seat cause my friends saved me a seat in the back row. Good thing is that Prince came for class (50 minutes late haha) and he sat behind me, sort of.

At first I was a bit nervous because in order to take my colour pens I had to turn to my left repeatedly (because I placed my pens on the desk next to mine) and I was scared that I'd try to catch a lot of glimpses of him but I got more comfortable towards the end and I could act more normally.

I kept on hoping that he sat behind because he wanted to be near me but I don't think so since one of his friends (the girl that I think likes him) sat in the same row.

I didn't talk with him because even though there could've been an opportunity, I couldn't see it as I was (and still am) too tired since I slept at 4 am last night and woke up at 9 am.

I did what I normally do whenever I'm around him, which is to talk a bit louder (=-=;) and become more giggly and all that but yeah, I just couldn't bring myself to talk with him.

Also, even though the lecture was better than usual (and actually understandable and easy) I really felt tired and I sighed a lot. He was also sighing a lot and in some weird way, I felt like we were communicating with each other. In my case though, I was sighing to try to initiate a conversation cause I'm too shy to approach him but yeah.

But what really concerns me is that he doesn't seem to really have a group of guys to hang out with. Like the guys avoid him on purpose or something.

And I don't know why but this attraction I have towards him is turning more into an interest into becoming his friend cause I want to know him. Like really know him.

For me, he is a really interesting person.

I felt like he was looking at me from time to time (naturally cause I was sitting in front of him) and I think he was also looking when one of my guy friends gave me a pen he bought because he lost the pen I borrowed to him.

I guess that's it for now.

I will do a bit of my work and sleep early tonight. I must not give in to this tiredness of mine!

PS. I forgot to add this bit haha. Most of the back row people were getting tired of the people asking irrelevant questions in front so when another question was asked, Prince said "What the f***" and I was a bit shocked cause he swore but nothing too surprising there (he's a guy after all) but what was a bit sad was that even though it was only audible to those around us, no one showed much reaction (as far as I know) even though he spoke English, meaning, he wanted someone to respond.

I'm thinking too much and I'm tired. Going to sleep now. Night.

Pink

I somehow expected that something good was going to happen today since Ana wished me "Buona giornata" today which means "Have a good day!".

Saying so, I finally saw Prince today after not seeing him for five days and you can bet that my mood just lifted instantly.

He came late for the afternoon classes as usual. XD

When he entered the class he sat in the front row and sadly, I was in the back row. I really didn't expect him to come cause I thought he was sick or something. His ears were bright pink and it's either because outside was freezing or because he was really embarrassed. Either way, it faded away in the end.

I think he looked behind once before he actually sat down and from time to time I just had the feeling that he purposely turned his head a bit in excess to the right whenever our lecturer walked to the right, as if he wanted to look behind him. It's just a feeling though.

The sad part about me not sitting in the front row is that we were grouped according to the rows we were seated in at the end of the lecture and was given a group task to do. I could've grouped up with him if only I sat in the front as usual... Haih...

The good thing about that is that he didn't group up with the group of girls he usually hangs out with. One of them who was sitting at the back row kept staring at him during the lecture.

We had to present our task at the end of class by selecting a spokesman/woman to represent the whole group and somehow I got nervous so I felt myself blushing and my palms turned cold because of the thought of talking in front of him kept looping through my mind. I didn't embarrass myself, thank goodness and I didn't even look at him during my presentation which is good as well.

When class ended, I was in really good spirits and I couldn't wait to get home to do my homework (which I will definitely do after this). He was also just getting out from his seat.

I wanted to look at him so I looked down from the top and I think I saw him look at me at the same time and again, with the same surprised face but I can't be too sure about that.

And just so that I could be near him, I approached the professor at the end of the lecture to ask a really meaningless question before I went out since Prince was also approaching the professor. He didn't really go out with the group of girls he usually hangs out with and talked with some guys (probably the only group of guys I actually talk with haha).

Overall, I am pleased with today.

Going to stay up late to do loads of homework!!! :D

Fissure

I just spent yesterday and today catching up on more than 30 Naruto chapters. It is indeed satisfying haha.

Aside from that, I didn't see Prince at all today and I waved to one of his friends but she ignored me or something. TT^^TT Yeah, feeling a bit crestfallen but I will just pick myself up.

Reading Naruto gives me the spirit I need to keep going and not giving up.

Mostly, this is about me finding love.

And, I guess it's okay if I don't end up with Prince.

When I do find that person, I wonder how it'll turn out.

And now to shower before I start doing tedious drawing again hahaha.

To not raise my hopes up

I realised that the more that I like him, the more my hopes rise and that is really not good.

So for now, I am channeling all that lovey emotion to a K-Pop idol who looks a bit like him, although Prince has slightly sharper features and bigger eyes.

Introducing Kai of EXO-K.

18 years old and he's 5 days older than me.

This is really just a small celebrity crush compared to the crushes I have on Lee Jong Hyun of CNBLUE and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Kai is just an excuse for me to not fall too hard for Prince.

I actually wanted to post something up about Prince on Thursday but I got the blues on my way back from class.

To sum it up very quickly, he only came for the afternoon class (late as usual) and a couple of girls talked with him and kept eye-ing him (so I know that they all like him). I couldn't even get the chance to talk with him, even when he was talking with one of my guy friends on the stairs.

When he came in class, we made brief eye contact as usual but again, I couldn't bring myself to smile at him. I always look like I hate the people I am most attracted to. Bad habit.

I couldn't even talk with him after the lecture ended no matter how much I delayed in going back.

Why?

All of the girls immediately attacked him after the lecture so I just went out.

Never mind. That's why I'm having this mini crush on Kai so that I won't obsess myself too much with Prince. I have to keep my mind open anyway.

I never thought it would be possible again to feel my heart thumping that hard

First, to anyone who comes across this blog and for the really diligent humans who bother to go through all my posts, you guys make my day, in one way or another.
I feel like my tiny, anonymous voice is finally heard because I could really just talk a lot about guys with my friends but I have to restrain myself.

This is partly because I think that as long as I don't speak about Prince with others, my feelings for him won't become real and thus I won't need to go through what I went through when I liked Law.

Well... I can't say that the attraction is not there. In fact, it is slowly starting to grow into a feeling.

He didn't show up for the morning lecture today and I really felt sad and disappointed but I just held it in and told myself to just concentrate and wait for Monday.

During the lunch break, I told Yu that I liked someone but I didn't mention the person's name.

Well... I wasn't (and probably still isn't) sure of my feelings for him but one thing for sure is that when I saw him come in late for the afternoon lecture, my heart started beating really fast.

And I was freaking blushing.

And I don't know why.

Okay, maybe I do. I just refuse to admit it.

Since I sat at the back of the class for once (and since the lecture was almost similar to the one last week) I ended up talking with another friend, Tia, who was talking about guys that she likes and I told her that I liked someone too.

Naturally, Yu overheard and both of them started to guess names and when they finally found out that it was Prince, Yu smiled.

Yu: I somehow knew it was the Hong Kong guy you were talking about when you told me that you liked someone during the lunch break!

Yu left during the 10 minute break and I took that moment to "show him" that I was in class by going in front to talk with some people. He was sitting alone today though. I wish I could sit with him haha.

When lecture started, there was a point when I wanted to look at him (since he was sitting more in front than me for once) so I turned to look to my left and I think he was looking as well, I think, because he hastily turned away to look in front.

When I answered a question in class, he turned to look at me and I got so nervous I almost stammered but I kept my cool.

I made some new friends today and one of them was going to an architectural seminar after class so I decided to follow her. I noticed that Prince had already packed his bag and I assumed that he wanted to leave early. When I left though, he was still in the classroom and I found myself wishing that he would go to the seminar as well.

Halfway through the seminar, I saw that he was sitting in front and I wondered how he got there so fast. Naturally, I wanted to talk with him after the seminar ended.

Unluckily for me though, when the seminar ended, my friend wanted to go back immediately so I didn't get the chance.

When I was putting back the chairs that we used, I looked up and then we made eye-contact cause he came over to our place to talk with a guy, who is one of the few guys that I talk with (funny how I talk to almost every guy that talks with him but I don't talk with him). There was definitely no mistake in that. He looked surprised to see me there and I was about to walk over to him and begin talking with him but I couldn't move somehow and I was forced to turn around and talk with my friend cause she didn't seem to want to talk with them.

I wonder how I looked like...

I hope that I didn't mess up my chance though.

I will do my best to fix this and I hope that I will have the courage to speak with him.

Glancing, glancing

Once again, I thought he wouldn't come today because most of his friends didn't.

And once again, he surprised me by coming today. :) And yes, just his presence in the classroom made me a whole lot more happier.

When we got into our groups during the morning lecture, I got a seat that was "in front" of him. He was at the back of class while I was in the front and we faced each other for awhile.

Naturally, I took a couple of glances at him and I think he noticed a bit but I made sure to cover up by staring at other people a lot though I don't know if that actually helps or not.

And I don't know why, throughout that whole time we were facing each other, I felt like he looked my way a couple of times.

One time, while I was looking down, I could see him leaning back from the corner of my eye so my natural instincts told me to look up in his direction and when I did, he hastily returned to his normal sitting position.

I managed to restrain myself a lot from looking at him in the afternoon, especially when he was only a metre away, talking with some guys who were in the same row as me. I just concentrated on my work and forced myself to be truly engrossed in sticking paper scotch tape to my rulers (very important trick for architects!).

I like his voice, even though it isn't as charismatic as Law's. He is extremely polite and gentle in the way that he uses his words, even around those younger than him.

He's an Aries though, so he's supposed to be all confident and cocky but I haven't seen that side of him yet.

Apparently Aries and Capricorn don't make a good couple either but apparently Virgo (Law) is good with Capricorn. Nothing happened though between me and Law so I don't really believe in the horoscope thing for love and relationships.

And now to draw a bit before going to sleep. :)

Change, maybe I don't really like it

But in the end, it is necessary sometimes.

I went through a lot of bad events today and I broke down in a park but I got up and went on my way. I need to stand tall.

Somehow, all those events made me feel a bit more mature in some sense.

For one, I don't think I'm afraid anymore to speak with people. I don't know why. This fear just got cured today.

I'm feeling a bit better now because at the end of the lecture today I got to see Prince for around 10 minutes.

It was cause he had to ask the lecturer some questions regarding his project I guess and my group mates for a different class stayed behind in the lecture hall to discuss our project.

I didn't openly stare at him and I only glanced his way once or twice so I don't think I was obvious in any way.

There wasn't much opportunity for me to talk with him today. Maybe tomorrow.