Little Red Riding Hood

I should've posted this up last night but I was really too tired. I have a lot on my plate these days and I really need to do my best for my studies.

Funny how I can seem to juggle my studies better when I'm having a crush on someone and make time to write in my blog as well.

But anyway, back to the main point.

For some time now, Tia and I have been giving each other dares to do which in truth is something I generally avoid but I wanted to add some spice in my life to be able to differentiate the monotonous days so I decided to just go with the flow.

And so, on Monday, Tia dared me to tell Prince the story of Little Red Riding Hood.

I couldn't sleep well that night knowing that I'd face him the next day, babbling some nonsense which he has most probably heard before and I was nervous as hell because I can't remember the last time I had a normal conversation with him without being awkward.

And I was also afraid that he would reject me again.

The next day arrived and I found myself growing even more anxious by the minute.

Carl tried to talk to me again and I did my best to be normal to him but Tia pointed out to me later on that I always seem so cold and frigid around him and that probably makes him think that I'm playing hard to get which I most certainly am not. Tia pities him and I find myself pitying him as well but I can't help but dislike guys who like me when I don't have any interest in them and when they ignore the signs of disinterest that I'm giving off.

Anyway, again, back to the story.

So it was the end of class and I really found myself dreading to speak with him because, come on, why the hell would anyone just come up to you to tell you the story of Little Red Riding Hood???? It makes no sense at all.

Tia actually dared me to do this first to Carl but I rejected the idea since it would raise his hopes up and that's the last thing I want, especially if it meant that I would be the one to initiate and engage him in a conversation, so she chose Prince which is almost equally terrifying but definitely a better option.

And so I marched up to Prince, prepared for the worse.

Me: Hey Prince, are you busy now?

Prince: Uh, Carl's on the phone now- (Why the heck did he mention Carl??? =-=; I don't want to talk with Carl and it's a good thing that he's on the phone hahahaha)

Me: It's fine, I just need 5, no, 3 minutes of your time.

Prince: Okay...?

Me: Have you heard the story 'Little Red Riding Hood'?

Prince: Yes, I know it.

Me: Okay, can I tell you the story?

Prince: What makes this one different?

Me: Because I'm telling it and you've never heard it from me. (Oh how pretentious of me, I know)

Prince: Okay...

And then I humiliated myself for the next three minutes talking about how Little Red Riding Hood found a map to where her grandma lived and how she had to eat her own grandma's flesh with Tia standing beside me and Prince with his awfully cute face just smiling away looking oh so puzzled. Tia later on told me that Prince kept looking at her with the 'What-the-hell-did-you-do-to-her?' look the whole time while I on the other hand had my eyes shut. I think he knows what's going on since he heard me tell Yu that I asked Tia to walk down the stairs and count to 10 last Friday.

And right when I finished telling the story and I was saying my 'Thank you for listening to me being an idiot' to Prince, Carl came over hurriedly but at that point me and Tia turned around to leave and all I heard him say was "What happened?" Poor guy. I saw Prince smiling as he was talking with Carl as Tia and I packed up and he was probably saying how weird and odd I was for telling him the story of Little Red Riding Hood. I said thanks to Prince again as we left the classroom and that was that.

Honestly, I feel a bit better that I talked to him and that it was nonsense so that in a way it just further shows that I won't pounce on him or anything and that I still want to be friends. Hopefully this will somehow catalyse the repair of our friendship.

And that's it for now. Let's see how things goes tomorrow.

And for Friday as well since another slice of my dignity will be eaten again in front of my course mates oh boy.

An edge

Well I stayed up late last night to read Strobe Edge and I spent 3-4 hours today to finish it but all in all, I'm happy with the ending.

Also, today I talked with Tia about living arrangements with a guy after the engagement and before marrying him and she asked me this question: "Would you be able to refrain yourself from not doing anything if you were to be alone with one of the guys from your computer?"

What she meant by computer is my desktop wallpaper cause I have a lot of pictures of Lee Jong Hyun, Kai, Ray and Joseph Gordon-Levitt that keeps changing on it.

And those two together made me wonder; is it possible to actually find guys who are more for the emotional and spiritual than the physical???

I somehow assume that 80% of guys these days expect sex to happen somewhere somehow during the girlfriend-boyfriend phase and that made me wonder whether or not I'll ever find a guy who also shares the same views as me, a traditional and platonic view.

Yes, I'm really naive, traditional and foolish for thinking like that but I don't want to go against God.

I just think that it isn't worth giving up a precious part of yourself for something that could be temporary.

That's also one of the reasons why I prefer Asian guys over those who aren't and yes, I know that Asian guys have those urges and many have actually acted on those urges already but compared to other guys, the percentage of Asian guys who sleep with their girlfriends is more likely lower as opposed to other guys.

I'm not saying that it's true, I could be wrong, but from what I can see, Asian people tend to be a bit more traditional so if something like that should happen, the guy will definitely take responsibility. In most cases that is. Not all Asian guys are chaste.

I probably have the impossible dream, I know, but I'd like to think that I'll be able to reach it and make it a reality one day.

Dear God, I am praying for a guy like that to appear who will like me and who I can like back.

Oh my high school way of thinking, when will you ever mature?

Deriving from the past

At certain moments today, I felt like I fell a bit for Prince. I guess when you're in the middle of trying to let your feelings fade away it really doesn't help if you can visibly see that person at least a couple of times a week.

Maybe it's influence from this manga I've just started reading called Strobe Edge by Sakisaka Io, a mangaka which I admire because her stories are not your typical ones.

Anyway, that manga sounds almost like my story whereby the heroine fell for a guy who's already going out with someone and that one of her classmates like her. Of course there're the differentiating elements like the sister of the classmate that likes her is actually going out with the guy she likes but that's a different story. I haven't finished reading it though although it is a completed series. Reading the manga also made me realise that I tend to fall for kind guys, like Prince. XD

But back to today. We didn't make eye-contact or anything at all but we sat relatively near each other today, almost side by side but he sat a desk behind me and an aisle separated us. We got pretty close at some points like when we were taking back our test papers but all he did was approach me quite timidly to look at my paper before going away. I need to do something to lighten the atmosphere.

Tia almost dared me to rap in front of him. XD I think I would have done it but at the moment that she dared me to I wasn't quite prepared. Ah well.

Prince and I have almost similar minds, really.

For instance if he was in my place, taking back his papers and looking through them with some friends, I would timidly approach him as well.

Also, and this was totally unexpected, we both said the same thing at the same time when the professor asked the class a question.

Well, he didn't really ask a question, he just said "So we can have smaller amplitudes and more subdivisions within this interval so the amount of subdivisions that is possible in this interval is...?"

And then Prince and I said "Infinite." XD

It was about integrals if you were wondering hahahaha. I wonder if he noticed that but I guess he wouldn't.

I do hope that he at least finds me interesting enough to become his friend.

Maybe that's possible. He could've overheard me rapping 'Love the Way You Lie' to Tia and some of my other friends. XD

And that's all for today. :)

Her face

I finally saw Prince's girlfriend's face.

I mean, I kind of knew who she was all along because there were signs here and there but to actually have it confirmed by pictures through Facebook stings a bit.

She's Italian, a brunette, pretty and has a cool aura around her. Maybe it's the triple piercings and stuff, I don't know.

People commented on her new profile picture, congratulating Prince for getting her.

And all throughout that time I really felt like something sharp pierced through me and I was stunned for several moments.

He came in class today but only for the afternoon lecture and I didn't talk with him or make any eye contact with him for that matter. The piercing feeling got a bit better throughout the day and I'm thankful for that.

Those 'what ifs' still remain but they're starting to fade now and even though it seems bleak and hopeless now, I've just got to keep telling myself that there is a guy out there that I'm much better with.

I did try to find Prince's flaws and to make them turn me off from him but it isn't working quite yet.

I still hope to become his friend though.

Shinogu

Right now, I don't know why, but there's a sickening grip on my heart as though it's about to be wrenched out from my body.

Maybe it's because of the weird mood I am in today. Or because I read a lot of romance mangas recently. Or a combination of both those things.

I haven't felt that odd feeling in a long time and it makes me wonder, who am I falling for this time?

Like every girl, I have a picture of an ideal guy inside my head and for some reason I call him Shinogu.

And today, I feel like talking about Shinogu.

From the name alone, it's obvious to see that he's Japanese even though I actually prefer Korean guys over Japanese ones. Strictly speaking, I've never actually had crushes on any Japanese celebrity, serious ones I mean.

How does he look like?

He has dark brown hair to the point that it looks as though it were black but you can definitely see the brown hues in the sunlight. It's long but short enough to be able to be kept neat and he has a fringe that partly conceals dark brown eyes that carry a constant gentle and kind albeit a little sad gaze about them and when something happy surprises him, he'll blush and his eyes will light up. He has a really soft smile and when he grins, his eyes turn a shade brighter.

He's tall but not bulky with muscles and he likes to wear baggy hoodies with baggy jeans but he keeps himself clean even though he doesn't like to dress up. And he doesn't have piercings so if anyone were to look at him, the impression you'd get is an innocent boy who somehow catches your attention.

His character is more or less the same.

Shinogu is extremely passionate in pursuing his dream and he always does his best in everything that he does. He's quite skillful in things that he loves to do but he's very humble about it. Somehow, he carries a quiet confidence about him which makes people silent whenever he speaks out which he rarely does. He's a good listener and cares a lot about his family and friends. He also really loves nature and loves trying out new things although he's afraid to sometimes. He also loves to think and talks about life and philosophy.

Naturally I left out the bad aspects but I have a feeling that he's the type that is a bit hard to talk to and who can't really express his feelings. He's probably the type to easily get jealous and to have sudden mood swings but I can't be too sure about that.

And just because I imagine him being a Japanese, it kind of makes me want to go to Japan and since Politecnico has some student exchange programmes that'll send you to Japan, I'm making that my current goal to strive for because I intend to go there in my third year.

But things could change along the way, who knows??

Wariness

I really do believe that Prince knows that I liked him. Still not sure if the word 'like' is a past-tense for me but it seems safer to go with it although at some points today I felt like I was falling for him again. Not just today though, for the previous days as well but nevertheless, I won't do anything irrational.

Why do I believe in that fact?

Today in class, he sat behind me instead of in the middle as usual because some other people were occupying his usual spot where he sits with one of my guy friends (again we have the same circles but we can never seem to make our own :|).

When the morning lecture ended, I turned around in my seat to try and locate Tia because I needed to talk with her about our project and when I did, Prince turned to look at me but I didn't want to make eye-contact with him so when I found Tia, I got out from my seat and went to her place which was the row immediately behind Prince's.

Then I began talking with her about the project in a normal tone and every now and then, it seemed as though he was listening in to the conversation and he even turned a bit I think.

Also at the end of the day, I said bye to Yu and he turned to look for a bit but since I don't usually say 'bye' to him or to my other guy friend, I didn't bother to.

In a way, I guess you can say that I'm avoiding him though I don't really know why. There're a couple of good reasons in my head but somehow they don't seem to fit into the way I'd like to express the reason for this constant evasion.

Most probably because he treated me a bit harshly (oh how dramatic) or I'm just too lazy to try to build a friendship but regardless of all of that, I somehow know he's wary of me.

I also talked a bit with the Australian guy and I really thought that I'd get attracted to him or something since he's a pretty boy (which is somehow almost always the kind of guy that I'd go for) but I didn't get any of those nerve-wrecking feelings.

Which in fact manifested in small quantities today when I thought about Prince.

But anyway, I wonder when will be the next time that I'll get these feelings again. Life seems too still without them.

Hanging

It's already bad enough that I have to give up on Prince because he has a girlfriend.

I really don't need him to make it worse for me, even though it's highly unintentional.

There I was with Tia, about to go to our project's site to do another thorough survey, when Carl and Prince suddenly appeared in front of us.

Naturally I felt a bit happy that Prince was there but Carl kind of spoilt it in a way.

Carl kept talking to me and by habit I gave eye contact and I just talked with him normally, if not almost without a care.

I'm glad that Prince said a few more words than usual and he spoke a bit more louder. It seems as though we could become friends with Carl being our only link sadly.

And then while Carl was still talking, Prince said that he needed to go away to do something and almost immediately Carl got up and followed him. And up until then, I thought that they were just being friendly and I thought that Carl already gave up on me.

Oh gosh why. Why why why why why???

Why can't it happen that the guy I like actually likes me and not some other kid that I have no interest in at all?????

They didn't even bother to talk to Tia which is quite rude but it shows that they actually wanted to approach me, even if it was for the wrong reasons.

Never mind. I'll just wait for someone that I find interesting to me to come along.

The life goal

You know, all my life up till today, I could never figure out what my goal in life really is.

It finally dawned on me during the class field trip that we had today.

I never did get to ask Prince whether he wanted to team up together with me or not because I'm just a terrible coward. I asked Tia instead, before Carl could ask me, and I could see that he wanted to.

Oh, I told Tia about this blog as well. Funny how I thought I'd never be able to tell anyone else apart from June and Helen about this blog. Not even Yu knows the existence of this blog.

Anyway, during some parts of the trip, I stole some glances at Prince and it felt like he knew I was looking at him so I did cut back a lot on trying to be near him and all of that.

And even though I said that I no longer have strong feelings for him, I'm starting to doubt that certainty a bit now.

It's not as though I think about him a lot anymore these days compared to the previous months and it's not as though I try to talk to him a lot and try to be closer with him but I can feel that somewhere inside me there's still a part that's holding onto the feeling of like that I have for him.

I know that he isn't a perfect guy. He likes to waste his time and he isn't really disciplined either but the way how he gets really absorbed into architecture is kind of the reason that makes me like him. I guess this is also the reason why I still haven't been able to make any move towards Al, because I still hold unresolved feelings for Prince.

For all I know, this feeling that I have for him will last for months more, or even years.

As if I'd stand a real chance, I know.

Then all of this made me realise that goal that I've wanted to achieve; a really shallow goal that is extremely selfish.

I want to be in an amazingly wonderful relationship.

No, it doesn't need to be rose-tinted. It doesn't need to be all roses and chocolates. It doesn't need to be about fancy dinners and materialistic gifts. It doesn't need to be dates at amusement parks and strolls by the beach.

Just a relationship with a guy where the both of us can be totally free to express ourselves. Where we can talk for hours without ever getting tired of each other's voice. Where we can fight and make mistakes but learn more from the bitterness and become closer. Where we can't wait to be together.

And somehow, my sick and irrational mind thinks that I can achieve that if I was to be with Prince.

Seriously, brain, what is wrong with you??? He freaking has a girlfriend already, do you really want to have a one-sided feeling for a guy? Can't you see that it'll only be a burden to him? You barely know this guy.

Thus, I feel like not liking anyone at the moment, if that makes any sense at all. I'm just tired of this, liking someone but never having my feelings reciprocated.

For my siblings, whomever that they are interested in, almost always the other person also likes them. Amazing huh?

But because I don't feel like liking anyone at the moment, it makes me unable to feel really happy, to live life to the fullest.

Because I lost a goal to reach.

For now I'm feeding off energy from romance mangas. I think the reason why I want to be a mangaka is to be able to create delusional worlds for myself. This is just sad hahaha.

Maybe I'm not even sure of my own feelings for Prince.

Regardless, I hope that I'll be able to find a real purpose to live.

Out of the blue

I was having my lunch when I got a phone call from one of the friends I made during the exhibition and she asked me if I'd like to hang out with her and her Greek friend and naturally the old me wanted to protest but I found myself croaking out a weak "Yes", partly due to my illness.

Which is why I found myself shopping with the both of them, walking round and round the shops and talking about random stuff.

On a side note, this made me wonder why the heck do girls bring their boyfriend to shop on the basis of wanting to "spend more time together"? I really feel sorry for all those men and I'm thankful that I'm not a shopaholic because then my ideal date wouldn't be one that my boyfriend will despise.

Anyway, let's go back to the main point.

Eventually the topic of guys came up and I more or less admitted that I was interested in Al and the friend was surprised and said that he is a nice guy.

And then she mentioned that she heard that he was interested in another woman who was at the exhibition helping out as well and even though I know that that particular woman is already in a relationship and is way older than him, I couldn't help but hear my heart sink a little. And it doesn't help that she's a model as well.

On a positive note, I feel more inspired to be healthier and prettier but even though I am not that interested in him compared to the other guys I've wrote about, I just felt a bit sad. It's as though all the guys I'm interested in have no interest in me.

I think I also felt disappointed by the fact that I thought that he was interested in me and now I fully suspect that he was just being friendly.

And come on Beth, do you really think that him liking your photo on your Facebook means anything? You're such a fool and you know that and yet you still allow yourself to place your hopes on a freaking shooting star.

But... But... The friend said something that got me thinking.

She also said that he's actually a shy person, well, seems like the type to be a shy person.

So if he is a shy person, why did he add me on Facebook only after knowing me for two days and was all chummy around me? The woman that he is (or was, I don't know) interested in only came on the third and fourth day which I don't know what my point is in bringing that up except maybe that he noticed me. But maybe after that he lost all interest.

Or he just wasn't even interested at all since shy guys tend to be even more shy around people they like.

Or if my theory is right and he is a bit like me, then he should have a bit of interest in me. Oh my brain, you make me laugh.

And this is when I think I should be better off as a lesbian cause one, I talk much more easier to girls and two, I can never get the guy I'm interested in to be interested in me.

It gives me a useless headache just thinking about it.

Why oh why are you just a helplessly desperate romantic???

Anyway, I'll be going out for an aperitif this Wednesday and for a dinner on Friday and as much as I'd like to deny it, I'm hoping to find someone to connect with. Oh man am I such a fail. My calender is actually starting to be less empty and I'm being more sociable but somehow I feel like I'm being pushed more into a dark corner.

Darn it. Where is the flashlight?

Coward

Why is it that I get so revved up to do something but when it comes to the time to actually do it my courage falters?

As you can definitely guess, I did not ask him the question and this is mainly due to the fact that I am scared of rejection as much as I hate to admit it.

He only came for the afternoon lecture today but I didn't glance at him a lot this time because I talked more to the people who were in my row while he was in the middle row where Yu was as well.

The only time we actually made eye-contact was at the end of class. Technically, class was over for around 10 minutes already but around 10 of us stuck around to finish a question that our lecturer gave (which I will attempt to do after this) and he stayed back as well.

When I was leaving, I said my farewells to some friends and then I said to Yu "Good bye, Yu!!!" and at that he looked up and we made eye-contact but I broke it off mainly because I knew that for him it doesn't mean anything.

And now the way that I'm typing things out makes me wonder if I still like him. I'm sure somewhere somehow, I do still like him but I am definitely rational enough to not expect anything to happen.

I just felt a bit happy that he took notice when I said bye to Yu cause that somehow translates to me that he might have wanted me to say bye to him as well and that he might consider me as a friend as well.

Typing that out kind of reassures me to ask him. I do hope that if I do see him online later I will just go ahead and ask him. Besides (even if I wanted to) I don't have any ulterior motives other than to work with him because he seems like a really good partner to work with.

I'll just ask him. Hopefully I won't chicken out this time.

Also, Carl tried to approach me again today by switching seats to sit nearer to where we were sitting in the front row from his back row seat. He sat next to one of my guy friends and it was really pointless for him to do so because he didn't even concentrate on class but was rather rude because he played with his phone in front of class. Definitely not my type.

Oh, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but he really tried to portray the nice guy image even though he isn't really. During the trip to Switzerland, while we were still in Fläsch, I was about to get into the bus when I heard sounds of someone running and when I turned around I saw him running and pretending to play with a dog behind a fence and he was calling out to the dog and being friendly and everything but it kind of failed because the dog barked at him. :|

I think I mentioned something previously about the girls in my class all crowding around a British guy during break time in our Math lecture awhile ago. Regarding that, I finally got the chance to talk with him today (cause I really wanted to) and I felt kind of glad that I did succeed in that small victory. :)

He's from Australia actually but he really has a British accent hahahaha. We got talking a bit because I was sitting and talking with some of my friends when he sat behind us and at that moment I was explaining how too much Nutella made me ill (I have the flu now sadly) and he joined in.

I find him very friendly and it's a real pity that he's only an exchange student because I think that we could become really good friends because he really seems like a genuinely nice guy.

Okay, I shall try to tackle the question after this. Being a bit more free than usual makes me feel a bit tense and even though I'm lazy to, I know I must do something in order to not feel too useless. If it weren't for my flu I'm sure I could've understood class even better today.

Maybe a jump at the chance?

Due to several factors, I believe that Yu and I won't work as groupmates for the next exercise and I learnt this from Xia because Xia and Yu want to pair up together and naturally I feel a bit left out but I'm taking this as an experience to learn more from other people.

Thus, I found myself wanting to team up with Prince and it isn't because I still hold extremely deep feelings for him but because I actually find him an interesting person to work with and I do hope he holds the same regards for me.

Today for our second exercise's evaluation, Yu and I got an 'A' while he and Carl got an 'A/B' this time so in a way, I do think he might think of me as someone good to work with.

Initially I planned to ask him face to face but I decided to just ask him tonight via Facebook so at the very least we both won't be physically there to feel the awkwardness.

I was definitely not looking my best today so when I met him I did feel a bit embarrassed but that bit only sank in after he left me.

We were passing each other in the hallway and since he was going the opposite direction, I said "Hey" and smiled at him on instinct ad he looked surprised (as per usual) and I think he said a soft "Hey" and a mid-smile and I actually wanted to stop right there at the vending machine but he was still there so I pretended to walk ahead again.

We made eye-contact several times today accidentally and there was still that weird eye-contact thing going on. I do believe that this means that he is especially wary of me.

After the evaluation, he and Carl went over to our place to check the model out and he came over first but since we were talking with another girl, he left after a bit but he came back later when Carl came over.

I addressed both of them in general to show that I won't bite (cause I always have this feeling that they think I do) and when that happened, Prince moved in closer to have a look cause I'm sure that he was just waiting for the signal from me or something like that to have a look hahahaha. Carl was quite rude to me on the other hand, payback maybe? He kept talking to me though and it was a bit annoying.

In a way, I feel a bit sorry for Yu because I don't think she can talk with Prince so easily now, not like they've talked much, but I kind of decapitated their friendship.

So whether I get rejected by Prince later or not (which is only a 1% possibility I think), I'll just use the outcome to make me a better person. The rejection bit will help me to prepare for future rejections and I will really need to get acquainted with it I believe.

Also, on a different note, a 40-something year old guy was hitting on me last night, inviting me over to his single-roomed house and everything, and he asked me whether or not I've had sex before and I said "No" and he began saying stuff like if it happens, let it happen and up until then, I didn't realise his intentions.

Which is pretty stupid of me I guess but I just thought that he was being friendly.

It makes me wonder if every single guy out there is in it only for sex and I have been told that Italian men are notorious for this kind of attitude, which is probably the reason why I lean more towards Asian guys because they are in a sense more polite about it.

The guy hitting on me wasn't Italian by the way, I think that he just adopted that kind of behaviour after living here for several years.

After I made a kind of speech about guys having to respect my principles before even sleeping with me, he immediately lost all his friendliness and was brisk and I just pretended to be my usual jolly self and I pretended to go offline after that. Oh, such a classic.

That's it for now. Going to enjoy my salads now hahahaha. I haven't had a real break from my assignments and exams in a long time and I will enjoy it to the fullest but I will do my best to prepare myself for the coming ones. A bit sick today as well so I definitely did not look good today hahahahaha.

A passing thought

I'm actually just procrastinating on work here but this thought really did go through my head several times in class since last Friday.

Prince is seriously good looking.

You have no idea how many times I caught a short glimpse of him and wondered "Wow, since when did we have such a hot guy in our class?" only to realise who this "hot guy" was several seconds later and seriously, I'm not lying.

Is it because I forgot how his face looked like, especially since he's using a photo with his sunglasses on for his Facebook profile picture?

HAHAHAHAHAHA OH SHEEP THIS IS HILARIOUS.

But yeah, he is really the type to catch anyone's attention with his looks. I'm really considering as to whether I should draw a manga version of him and to upload it on here. Maybe I should even do it for all of the other previous guys.

And manga version because it'd be pretty unlucky for me if someone I knew came across this blog and think "Hmm... Doesn't this look like ******???" and no I wouldn't want that. I'm pretty happy with only having two readers who I actually know in real life.

I find it quite funny that I used to look forward to go to uni so much but now I'd rather stay at home or go buy a new book and read it in a restaurant while having my lunch. That to me sounds like heaven now.

Also, we're going to have a gathering for Malaysians in Milan and Al was invited but he can't go because he's going to France (according to a self-translation minus Google and a dictionary) so I did feel a bit down but not too much. He'll probably not go for the beach gathering either hahahaha.

And another funny thing, he was added to the Malaysians in Italy group despite being an Italian. No, I'm not being racist and close-minded, it's just a bit funny although not a 'HA-HA-HA' kind of funny. The rest of the other guys weren't added though. :|

One thing that made me interested in him is the fact that he's a Capricorn, just like me, so I wondered whether or not we shared the same qualities.

If I'm not reading too much into it (which I always do), he is a bit like me but unlike him who's probably just a genuine smiley person who is really friendly, I have to keep an act up so that people won't think I'm arrogant just cause I don't smile a lot.

Okay. I really need to get back to work. I wasted a good 17 minutes on this hahahaha.

Story I

It's been 3 weeks since she last saw him and for a second she wondered whether he still remembered her; or was she someone so easy to forget? She pretended to busy herself by fixing her bag's strap and when she finally willed herself to look up, she made eye-contact with sky-blue eyes that she thought she saw gleam for a second causing a rusty orange to glint and then disappear.

"Buongiorno."
"Buongiorno."

She mentally cursed herself for not taking the Italian class at the start of the semester. Understanding it was one thing. Speaking words apart from 'ciao' and 'grazie' and making sentences was another. Realising that her mind spaced out, she zoned back into the real world and realised that he was grinning at her.

"Cosa?" Another handy Italian word. He pointed in one direction and it dawned on her that someone was calling her which caused pink flushes to appear on her cheeks as she bowed a quick bow in thanks before rushing off to the person who called her.

He knows how to speak in English, she knew that, but she had been so adamant to speak to him in Italian prior to knowing this info that it kind of seemed impossible for him to speak to her in English. That was all from her perspective anyway, she didn't know the real reason why he never talked to her in English.

And like always, she spent almost half her time trying to catch a glimpse of the boy with the curly hair and her peers probably caught her on one or two occasions but they joked lightly about it and thankfully he wasn't anywhere near them.

Around sunset she got tired and joined the group who were gathered around a fire and she plopped down next to a pile of beach towels. Everyone was talking in a mixture of Italian and English but it was mainly Italian and she did her best to keep up with the rapid flow of words and gave the occasional necessary laugh here and there so as not to seem too out of place.

A hoodied figure sat next to her so that the towels were now between them and when she looked to her right, she realised it was him. Her heart thumped just a notch faster and she pulled herself into a crossed-leg sitting position on instinct which caused their knees to bump and she immediately apologised but he said it was fine so she sat frozen for the next two minutes, trying to calm herself down and not thinking too much about the fact that their knees are touching each other.

He didn't say anything or move away but instead conversed naturally with the rest of the people so she was able to relax after awhile and started to tune back into the conversation again. Leaning back, she used her hand and arm to support herself by planting them into the towels and then she started adding bits of words to the conversation, mainly content just by listening to the sentences flowing freely around them.

Drowsiness started to attack her eyes (and apparently everyone else's) and she was about to doze off when something warm made contact with her hand and at once her eyes popped open and the object jumped slightly. It was his hand.

She wasn't looking at him but she knew that he was definitely looking the other way as well and she felt grateful that in the partial dimness of the evening, her blush was concealed.

Her hand remained where it was, unmoving, and as much as she denied it to herself, she realised that she wanted to hold  that hand, the one that was still hovering on top of hers, the one that she could feel was slightly trembling. The atmosphere between them was tense but it seemed as though no one else felt it and those few seconds of hesitation felt like centuries.

When he eventually realised that she wasn't going to move or flinch away, his hand settled on top of hers, his palm fitting neatly with the back of her hand. It paused just a second longer before settling down as though to give her a chance to flee, uncertain with what this meant to her.

Beer was handed out but she refused while he accepted a plastic cup. No one noticed their hands clasped together beneath the beach towels. Now, with the beer having found its way into several stomachs, the conversation was reignited and everyone suddenly had more stories and jokes to share. All she did was smile and laugh though, as weak as the laughs were, while he contributed some of his own almost as easily as before but now with a small touch of something like shyness or embarrassment in his tone.

It felt wonderful, the sensation that was ripping through her from the mere touch of his skin and when their fingers grazed slightly, she felt certain that her blush turned a shade darker. Him? She had no idea. She didn't dare to look in his direction.

She suddenly felt the pressure on top of her hand decrease slightly and in a moment of subconscious panic, she held onto his fingers with her own, causing his hand to stop and to shiver slightly. When she realised her daring act, she promptly let go and bowed her head even lower, certain that her face looked like a tomato.

So when his fingers slipped between hers a second later, she turned her head towards him in surprise and they caught each other's eyes shining with a pinch of hope. He gave her a reassuring grin before turning his slightly blushing face away, tightening his grip on her and she responded by gently brushing her thumb against his several times.

She liked the warmth which seemed to seep out from his hand to hers and back to him in a cycle, a small dance of pulsating heartbeats which made the flurries in her stomach turn into tornadoes.

She enjoyed the fact that this was a small secret they both shared even though it was noticeable had anyone paid any attention to them. They were in their own world, silently realising their mutual feelings for each other.

And although both of them didn't know it, they were both hoping that this moment could be elongated just a bit more, that maybe there will be more chances like this to encounter after this one ends.
_______________________________________________________________________

And how was that for storytelling eh? I could probably make some money by writing trashy love novels that only giggly teenagers would read if I do say so myself.

I have no idea why I really wrote that story out. It's the first time that I've ever done that and I don't even really like him or find him really interesting. If anything, I should have written a story about one of the deep crushes I had for celebrities but no.

It's not like I'd even know how I'd react if that would ever happen to me but I'd like to think that maybe one day I'll get to experience something similar.

I feel sick from eating too much Nutella. =-=;

I really need to work out tomorrow hahahaha, even if I don't really feel like it tomorrow morning.

I saw him online several times on Facebook today in the chat box (which is a first) but as tempted as I was to start a conversation with him, I kept thinking that he must be chatting with someone else more important and I'd only be a bother to him. Besides, Skye told me to not do the first move and I'll listen to her even though Rainie asked me to do the exact opposite.

"It all depends on the situation."

He shared a picture of a really sexy girl in the afternoon and I somehow felt jealous and it made me feel like I should really try to get a good body. The only good thing that I can somewhat conclude from that is that he's single cause I'm pretty sure that taken guys wouldn't do that on the account of disapproval from their girlfriend but you just never know.

Okay, it's time to sleep and wow is it early. Hopefully I will work harder to become more beautiful on the inside out. And to stop snacking on Nutella too much hahahahaha.

If I was someone else

I seriously couldn't care about my assignments. Probably going to pull an all nighter today to finish whatever I can.

So I read a couple of mangas just now and it made me think, 'If I had a different family, if I lived in a different environment, or if I had met different friends but still held the same principles and values, would I have been the person I am today?'

Naturally you and I know that the answer is 'Yes'.

No. I meant 'No'.

But really, I wish I could have someone's personality just for one day, the type who doesn't think too much and is reckless in her decisions. Someone who's the direct opposite of my character.

Someone who'll throw caution to the winds and just date around and not wait for the right guy to come along.

And when I think about that, I start to think 'What if I wasn't a Christian?'. Then I would be "free", in a way, to sleep around and do all those kinds of things that's forbidden in Christianity because as a human I'm naturally curious.

But when those thoughts appear in my head, I naturally feel guilty. It's probably cause I'm freaking traditional as well, also maybe one of the reasons why I never had a boyfriend, because I never asked any guy out.

Then I start thinking 'Should I make the first move to talk with Al?' and then I crush that thought out not even a minute later.

All of these thoughts get mucked up into my brain and ruin my concentration. I can't perform any duties out properly at the moment.

How can I sort this mess out?

Haunted

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I still have feelings for Prince and it's just that I am denying them even though I really don't think I do.

I mean, for instance on Friday during our Math lecture, he stood really near me, talking with Carl and one of my friends, and I didn't even feel bothered or anything. It was more of a 'meh' kind of situation. Or maybe I was just too fixated on the test that day but then again I didn't really care about the test so it couldn't have been that.

I do know that he at least acknowledges my presence. He turned to look at me when I went to ask the professor some questions when he was in front of the class with Carl, checking out their session for the exam later on in the afternoon.

The reason why I wonder about my feeling towards him is because I think I keep getting dreams about him.

Think.

I highlighted that part because most of the times after I wake up, I would have completely forgotten about who was in my dream but I will be able to remember that a significant guy played a major role in them. And I don't even know what my dreams were about.

I just have a nagging feeling that says that it's Prince and somehow, that doesn't settle quite so well in my mind.

I tried to get obsessed over Al (some people are even encouraging me to make the first move) but I just couldn't.

Just now though, I got to a point where I felt like my heart was beating for him but then I realised it's only because I long to feel the proximity of someone special so that there is real skinship between us.

But that short feeling for him manifested into a short story that I wasted an hour on. It sounds incredibly yucky I must tell you but I really didn't care about how I wrote it out because I just wanted to express the emotions that I wanted to feel, even if it wasn't in a very literature-esque manner. If I feel like it, I will post it up here, for laughs, cause I might lose that notebook one day and it'd be a shame to let such a silly piece of imagination to have gotten lost.

Out of my four sisters, I firmly believe that I'm the biggest romantic and thus it goes by some contradicting rule that they have all experienced relationships and I have not. Oh the world is a funny place. Sometimes I even think that it's okay to be single forever and to have never experienced a thing.

But I know that I really want to experience that kind of floral sensation.

And now back to my ventilated crawl spaces. Life isn't exciting at the moment but I guess it's to prepare me for something extremely happy or the other way round.

Sedimentation

I guess you can say that things are finally settling down between Prince and I. I no longer feel such a strong attraction to him and neither do I feel so sad when I see him online. It took me a month so I guess that's pretty fast. :)

We do have a weird kind of relationship though, hovering between acquaintances and friends.

After the lecture today was over, I Facebook messaged him the correct deadline date since he wasn't there and he replied with an "ok, thanks!!" and I didn't reply after that either cause I figured it'd be best to leave it there.

Funny how we can almost chat normally on Facebook but not so in real life.

I have a mathematics exam tomorrow which I will start to study soon but really, I couldn't care less. Maybe I will tomorrow but I really believe that I burnt out around the time that I found out he had a girlfriend.

Carl tried to approach me today but I was very brisk when I talked with him. Maybe that's why he didn't stay in class today.

Whenever it is that love will come for me, I will just have to be patient.

And since I'm getting slightly lazier to post in here, I have no idea how frequent I'll update this place. We'll just have to see.

Not ready

I myself know that I'm not ready to start liking anyone just yet, especially since I still harbour negative thoughts, but I find myself forcing my mind to like Al.

He is quite a decent guy, if I may so myself.

For me he's quite good looking (blue eyes and amazing smile) and he likes poems, has a witty sense of humour and he takes up martial arts so he's strong. The only con that I know about him so far is that he's an atheist but he's an open atheist.

One of the friends that I met during the exhibition (we'll call her Pim) is slowly encouraging me to just say "Hi" to him on Facebook but seriously, what am I supposed to use to follow that up? I mean, we didn't even speak to each other in Italian, much less English so yeah, it'd definitely will be odd.

I wanted to post stuff up in here yesterday but I attended my flatmate's birthday party and it was pretty good actually although I really don't understand why people do this all the time. Pretty tiring indeed.

Anyway, yesterday during the lecture, I was actually surprisingly civil and nice to Carl and I even smiled and laughed and whatnot and it's probably because of the events that happened during the exhibition but I will keep this good look up and hope that he doesn't misunderstand me.

While that was going on though, Prince was nearby and all he did was watch and he approached me and Yu sometimes but I did my best to not stare at him although I stole some glances now and then. I felt he did the same though but I never caught him in the act.

Maybe he was just a tiny bit jealous that I didn't talk with him. But that's fantasy world talking.

So it came as a surprise to me, while I was chatting with Pim on Facebook, that I got a message from Prince asking about the deadline for one of our projects so after a few sentences we broke it off.

I didn't get any butterflies but I did feel happy that even though some of his other friends (who are also our classmates) were online, he chose to ask me. He could've asked that question in the group page as well but he didn't so I guess that he considers me as slightly more than an acquaintance.

I do hope that this means that our friendship is slowly being repaired again. :)

Throughout that grieving period I gained a lot of weight but I will slowly lose it, using Al as a fake goal I guess.

I tried to imagine how it felt like being hugged by him and getting kisses from him but the memory is very blurry. I can't exactly remember anything so I'm just depending on my blog entry for that.

I'll have to go soon.

P.S. Pim told me that she saw Al taking a lot of pictures of me while I was drawing and I found that a bit surprising hahahaha.