Michael Cera

Did I mention that Al looks like Michael Cera? Well, he does, except for the fact that he has blue eyes.

And so I was stalking him just now on Facebook and I actually found myself debating with myself about whether or not I should go for him.

I was talking with some of my new friends at dinner just now and I got mixed views from them when I told them that I thought he was cute.

And after stalking him, I actually think that he is a really nice guy.

And that he knows English. =-= So he's probably just refusing to talk to me in English.

Again when I parted with my friends, they didn't really give me the cheek kiss thing that he did so I seriously am not sure whether or not what he did was just him being really friendly or if it means something else.

His status on Sunday went something like 'Spectacular day and day of surprises!' so again I contemplated over it too much, trying to connect it with what he did but after much consideration, I decided that he meant something else.

I'm probably just using Al to get over Prince. Seeing Prince online hurts a bit sometimes, hopefully tomorrow will be okay.

No title comes to mind somehow

Today was the last day of the exhibition.

Okay, before I go on any further I just want to say that I think I've been on auto-pilot mode throughout this whole day, maybe it started even earlier, but I am just in a mood to not do anything, even updating this blog so this is just my disciplined side updating this blog.

Second, I'm just going to call the Italian guy yesterday Al to make typing easier and faster.

We (the girls in charge) came late so when we reached there I saw that he and some other guys were outside so I just said "Ciao" and then I went inside while he did nothing but stare so I just thought "Oh, he must've been just friendly yesterday."

But then this morning while I was sitting under the table, not caring about stuff and just applying lipstick on, he squatted down and said "Boungiorno" with a grin and so I just smiled and nodded my head.

For the rest of the day we didn't really talk much but while I was taking my lunch break he said to me "Buon apetito" and yet again with a smile so I just said "Grazie" and smiled back.

Towards the end when I started talking a bit with one of the other guys, he came over and began fooling around with the guy before going away.

It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach or find him particularly interesting but I found myself approaching him and asking how much the beer he was drinking costs and we made eye contact but he broke it off and went to stand in the crowd by himself to watch the pole dancers on stage hahahaha.

We went back to our stall after that and at one point he approached me but I was talking with another guy in English so he went away.

The weird bit was at the end when I was saying my goodbyes to everyone, giving and receiving kisses on the cheeks the Italian way.

And so when I went up to him to say goodbye I expected the old cheek-to-cheek kiss but instead he gave me a peck on the cheek which didn't cause any butterflies if you were hoping for that. It was just two pecks and then he pulled me in a bit at the end and gave me a hug which no one else did but him.

He's the first guy, first person even, apart from my dad and mom to have ever kissed me literally on the cheek. Well, as far as I can remember that is.

Then he offered me his crepe and I don't know why but I leant over and bit it so yeah I got an indirect kiss but truthfully I couldn't care somehow. He even offered more but I said that I had enough and just smiled.

Now I'm wondering why didn't I just tore a piece off. Maybe it was the way Al held it out to me. It seemed as though he was suggesting me to bite it and he even offered it again so maybe he didn't mind.

He just looked at me as I left after that and I briefly made eye contact with him but that was it.

And I guess that will be the end of this story, although things could happen in the future, who knows? I'm just going to go with the flow now and I somehow couldn't care less where the tide brings me to. I don't even know if he's really interested or not or if he's just really friendly.

Maybe this is still part of the healing process that I'm going through. Maybe those aftershocks run deeper than I thought.

I don't know. I really can't care about my studies and social life now somehow.

Whatever happens, happens.

Unseen

Okay, so I just went on Facebook for a short while again just now to stalk the guy's page and then I realised that he does know English and that he also took a picture of me three days ago and placed it on his wall.

And I don't know why but I feel like I immediately turned off.

I somehow just don't like the idea of anyone taking an interest in me at the moment.

Yeah... I really don't want anyone to like me at the moment. At all.

I just want to be by myself and my dreams about Ray from C-CLOWN and not care about the guys I meet in real life.

Heck, now I even feel like ignoring him but I won't and will just act cool.

I feel like I'm about to get a headache from just thinking about it, ugh.

Okay, I'm just going to sleep now.

Third day at the exhibition

I got married four times today hahahaha. And yes, it's tiring and no it's not real, it's just for a performance hahahaha.

The Mermaid Theory works, just let me say that.

I actually took notice of one of the Italian guys who was helping out at our stall by performing some martial arts for the stage performances but I didn't bother to take much interest till today. He previously didn't seem interested either, especially since there's a language barrier between us both.

Today though, he was super nice to me all of a sudden.

I only started realising it when a whole bunch of us decided to eat lunch outside the building.

While waiting, we all watched some people perform some martial arts and by habit I had placed my hand over my stomach and that was when he turned around and he said "Hungry" in Italian, mistaking my gesture for me being hungry but I didn't want to embarrass him so I just played along saying "Extremely hungry" in Italian, stumbling over some words. Again, I didn't give that event much thought.

It was raining so we decided to just walk in the rain even though we didn't have any umbrellas with us so I used my shawl as a shelter and began walking to the stalls.

And that was when he suddenly came to my side and placed his right arm around my waist to help me to walk on the gravel since I was wearing really tall high heels and I didn't flinch (which is a good thing because otherwise it would have been rude I think) but I let him help me and yeah, I guess I admit that I kind of flirted with him a little by leaning a bit on to him and then stumbling a little here and there but there's no harm in that right?

When we reached the stall I thanked him but then we decided to go back since the rain was getting more heavy so I was about to walk out when suddenly one of the other guys appeared with an umbrella and the former guy said "Give it to the bride" in Italian so I walked with the other guy. The former guy also asked the other one to steady me by holding onto my waist and he did and I found it a bit odd hahaha but then again they're Italians so touching is no big deal.

For our last performance, he also invited me to sit down on a chair as we waited for our turn to perform and even though I wasn't tired, I just sat down so that I won't embarrass him. And this was odd too because he never even looked much in my direction previously. In fact, he was asked to be my fake groom on the second day but he declined.

He was also the only one from that group that I said "Bye" to at the end of the day and it did feel nice. He even added me on Facebook and that is how I knew his name hahahaha.

The sad thing here is that I didn't feel any electricity at all, not much chemistry for that matter either.

In fact, throughout the whole day, I was just wondering whether Prince came or not or if he did, did he see me and all of that. I swear I'm going crazy because I kept seeing people's faces and heads and then thinking that they were Prince until I observed them more closely.

I'm also finding myself rejecting the idea of even getting attracted to anyone. My mind automatically thinks that they have a girlfriend so I should leave them alone.

I didn't give him a name even though he interests me because he doesn't live in Milan so I won't see him much anyway so I already know that whatever relationship we'll make won't necessarily last.

I'm sleepy now. Hopefully everything will go well tomorrow.

As busy as a bee

I find my brain so terribly masochistic. I got a dream about Prince yesterday and I completely forgot what happened in the dream but I do know for sure that my hopes got raised up high in that dream so that when I woke up in real life they came crashing back down.

It is pretty surprising though that I got that dream of him yesterday when I wasn't even thinking about him a lot yesterday since I was busy as hell, helping out at the exhibition... As a bride.

Oh gosh, the sheer embarrassment of having to sit down on a chair on stage with a fake as hell smile and do nothing is absolutely painful.

But there are tiny perks here and there (people saying 'sayonara' and 'konichiwa' to me because they think I'm Japanese, kids thinking I'm a princess, people calling me pretty; which to be honest I don't mind but I do know they're lying).

But this blog is about guys (more or less) so I will skip all of the events regarding those situations and go on to the apparently more "important topics".

Maybe it's just because of the thick make-up (concealing bad skin and eye bags), or the pink outfit, or the heels, or the hair but people kept looking at me, Asian guys in particular.

Our performance group was passing by the stall representing China when I happened to look at a couple of guys there and I noticed that one guy was staring at me like I was some kind of ghost or something (probably a right assumption there) and then he said something to his other friends and they began to turn around and look at me. I gave them another glance and then our group left.

So on that occasion, I thought I got their attention because of my heels and pink dress and I immediately squashed my hopes using that.

When we finally reached our stall, I changed after a few minutes so that I could go and walk around with one of my friends (I was the youngest volunteer there, the next youngest one being 32) and then I went out of the changing room and I waited around for her and that was when I noticed that the Chinese lion dance group was sitting at one of the tables at the mess hall in front of us.

I was about to avert my gaze when I noticed that a guy was looking at me and again he said something to his friend and his friend turned in my direction and looked as well. Surprisingly, they kept looking for a long time, longer than I expected, and they still kept looking after my friend and I left.

So on that occasion, I think that I got their attention because I still had my make-up on.

Oh the shock they'll get when they see how I really go about in real life. They'll probably leave me  within 10 seconds.

The big surprise here is that I don't feel flattered by this, rather a bit sad.

Why?

Because it further confirms that Prince had no interest in me because he never looked at me in that way and for the rest of evening, that was one of the few things that remained in my mind.

I'm scared that I'll see him there and how I'll react if I do.

I kept imagining that he's in the crowd, worst yet if he's with his girlfriend.

I'm sure as hell that my reaction will be priceless.

I do find that I can get attracted to people quite easily (my 17-year-old Italian fake spouse for example) as long as I think of them several times but somehow I just can't allow myself to do so at the moment.

Nevertheless, I'm going to sleep now and then I'll wake up early to do some Math exercises hopefully.

Slowly reverting

I kind of feel like things are slowly starting to go back to how they used to be between Prince and I and I am quite happy with that.

For one, he sat in front of Yu and I today and I got to be near him on several occasions when the professor was doing the reviews today. He and Carl also stayed back a bit after class ended to discuss things so in that room there was only them, Yu and I, and two other people.

Yu and I wanted to leave for lunch first but we decided to go and sit with the other two people, one guy of which is Prince's friend, and as Prince and Carl was about to leave, they came by that table to say bye and at that moment we made eye-contact as we said "Ciao".

And when I mean eye-contact, I mean the kind of eye-contact that we used to exchange, the one with some kind of weird aura and tension but as soon as I said "Ciao" and held his gaze for one second, I looked away and he walked out of the classroom.

I do think that Carl is getting over me as well which is good. I didn't even look in his direction when he left.

In fact, I pretty much felt like I was trying to vie for his attention or that I was trying to get a glimpse of him most of the time which is really sad actually.

And that's when I realised that my feelings for him are just too deep, so deep that I can't dig it back out.

For the most part, I really don't think that I am capable of falling for anyone at the moment (obviously) and in the long run; and by long run I mean probably a couple of months, years maybe, who knows?

I'm not sure how deep these feelings are for him because for all I know they are just a temporary facade that I think will last for a long time.

I will have to go soon for a dinner with my friends and I'm Skyping with June at the moment as well.

Ah well, I wonder where life will lead me in the coming days.

P.S. I had a weird dream this morning about Prince writing a post on my Facebook wall saying something like "I'll try to love you" and for a minute I really thought that it was real but when I woke up I knew it wasn't. I felt really shocked somehow because it was the first time that I've ever actually dreamt that the guy I liked (in my dream or in reality) used the word 'love'. Oh reality, you're such a bubble breaker. But today was a nice day anyway hahaha.

Online

It hurts, it really does, to see someone that you like, whom you're trying to get over, online and you can't do anything to create a bond between you guys cause you've pretty much ruined it.

My mood changes so fast.

I just can't help but imagine that he's probably chatting with his girlfriend now. Yeah.

Okay enough, I won't go there for awhile and I'll just enjoy my Malteasers.

Shaking

I talked to one of my flatmates for a long time today and it was the first time I did and I noticed that her hands were shaking a lot when she was talking with me which reminded me about how Prince was shaking when he first spoke to me. Am I really that scary to talk to? Or were they just nervous?

I'm slowly getting better but those waves of regret hit every now and then. Going to get pretty busy soon so maybe I'll have less time to think of him.

On another note, Carl didn't do much last night but I somehow think that the guys at the table last night knows that Carl likes me. I get the shudders somehow and not in a good way.

I also met another girl who told me that she too has never been in a relationship before and it kind of made me feel better especially since she's a bit older than me.

I was also a bit tipsy last night and I almost messaged Prince on Facebook but luckily I didn't and I have no idea what miracle enabled me to do so. I have decided though to talk with him given the chance but for sure I'll definitely take it more slowly this time.

P.S. I finally figured out why this time's a bit more harder to let go then the previous one. I'm reading The Absolutist by John Boyne currently (in some ways, a bit similar to Brokeback Mountain and I didn't expect it to be that way actually hahaha) and in that story, the main character and one of the supporting ones made a connection from the beginning and in some ways, I do believe that I did made a connection with Prince. It's probably lost in a tangle of wires at the moment but hopefully I'll be able to find it again.

I'm sure he knows

That I like him. I don't know why but that's just the feeling that I get.

I didn't expect him to come for class today but I saw him in the afternoon and he sat behind Yu and for a moment I regretted not sitting next to Yu today but I figured it was for the best otherwise I wouldn't have been able to concentrate during maths.

I did feel like he was watching me sometimes. Not like I caught him in the act or anything but I could just sense it.

And I wanted to talk with him, naturally, but I never got the chance, even though he stayed back after class for awhile. And yeah, I wanted to follow him out when he did but I didn't against my better judgement hahaha.

However, Yu and I met him and Carl together with another one of my guy friends as we were walking to the stationary shop and the other guy said "Ciao" so naturally Yu and I said "Ciao" back and the other two guys said the same and by habit I looked at Prince and we made extremely brief eye contact but like I said previously, it felt tense and awkward.

Somehow though, I feel like it's the beginning to the reparation of our friendship. :) And that alone makes me feel quite happy.

Going to a friend's birthday party now and Carl is going as well. I don't know what to expect but I will do my best to be normal. 

The letter that will never reach you

First and foremost, I am truly sorry and I apologise for anything I type after this. Allow me to be a freaking selfish and pitiful pig that's still growing up and knows no better even though I pretty much am sure I'm going to regret typing all of it out.

Dear Prince,

I have no freaking idea why I freaking like you so so so much that I find myself unable to programme normally because you used to be the only thing in my mind and somehow, you became the goal that I strove to reach.

When I learnt that you have a girlfriend, a recent one at that, I became really devastated and I pretty much believe that it's even more worse compared to the time that I liked Law.

I just learnt to hide this emptiness better.

I can't even believe the things I still want to do.

I still want to approach you. To talk to you. To become closer to you.

To stubbornly refuse to give you up and to give up this feeling that I have for you.

Oh, and did I mention that I get so freaking, annoyingly jealous of Acia because you are so much more closer to her and I don't even have the right to do so. If anything, it's my fault for not having approached you first last year.

And the time when we talked? Yeah, I missed out on so many things to say. Why the hell was I such a bad conversationalist then? Not like I'm a master or anything at the moment but I only just recently started learning how to make a good conversation and I freaking regret not having done so earlier so that maybe I could've still held your interest.

In fact, I went against my own guts when talking with you and I bet if I had only listened to my intuition, we would have been at least more closer than what ever strained relationship we have now.

Why the hell did I rush things??? Why do I get so excited so easily over the smallest things????????????

Tell me, do you hate me? Would you hate me even more if I attempted to talk with you? Do you even think of me, even the slightest bit?

I bet you don't give a single damn about anything that's related to me.

I bet you freaking regret making contact with a freak like me.

And I freaking hate the fact that I care too much about what you think of me.

I don't even know why I think you're the perfect guy despite knowing the fact that you're only human, a human who is sure to err and to bend to the temptation of sin.

Let me go ahead and say that I have imagined holding your hand. Imagined my fingers running through your black hair before they trace your jaw and cheekbones. Imagined an embrace so close that it'll be impossible to tell who's body's warmth belongs to who.

Imagined winter dates where we'll walk side by side, not necessarily holding hands, but enveloped in a comfortable silence, a world of our own.

Imagined looking deep into your eyes and doing nothing else but.

The truth? I think you're the sexiest guy I have ever met in real life. Red doesn't have a patch on you.

Who is this wonderfully lucky girl that got the privilege to be cherished by you???

If things don't go too well with her, will you ever consider me?

Yeah, I apologise for pursuing you. It's more masculine than feminine and I bet it freaking looks desperate but I seriously can't control that part of me too well. Blame my late puberty.

I tried writing out a short story about my feelings for you but I just couldn't bring myself to make a happy ending since I already know the actual truth of reality.

I can no longer sleep normally. I can't think straight. Nothing is arranged chronologically in my mind and the days pass by as if I were in a coma.

I'm so tired of having these thoughts running constantly through my mind and I wish I had the will to make it stop but I just can't find myself doing so.

Please... Please... Please give me a chance to become your friend once again. I'm sorry I screwed up.

Truly,
Me.

Rose

Lee Hi's song is playing itself repeatedly in my mind ever since I thought of it. It's not as though I even understand the lyrics (except the English parts that is).

I felt that he purposely avoided me today by going to sit near Acia instead of in front of me like he usually did.

Yeah, it did hurt but, I'm going to give it time. The more time that passes by, the more will the tension subside. At least, that's what I'm hoping for.

The only time I actually looked at him was when I raised my head to see who was entering the classroom and at first I saw one of our professors but then I saw him and needless to say, he saw me looking but I did my best to be calm and then pretend like I was super busy.

How much longer till all of this blows over, I don't know.

And even though I know I'm not ready yet, I'm finding myself forcing my brain to be attracted to another guy in class, a tactic I kind of started using ever since the Law incident. One of the reasons why I can find myself not minding this so much is because he's Asian and he likes Haruki Murakami.

Blame me for being racist and a bookworm, but I just prefer Asian guys over those who aren't probably because I grew up in an Asian country. Everyone has their own preferences so before turning the pages of the book of judgement, you should look at yourself first.

And now I feel ever so bitter.

Good news is that I'm not pigging out too much anymore. I think that's partly because I'll be participating in an exhibition thing next week and I have to roleplay a bride so woohoo for me.

Not really. I'd rather waste my time online and watch YouTube videos but I figured that I should go out and just look at other guys and maybe meet other people.

That's it for now I guess. Going to watch some YouTube videos and then going to tackle some maths questions.

A little too late

I was in a really weird mood the whole day.

I bought a book and ate lunch by myself while reading it after meeting up with Yu for awhile and somehow, I couldn't relax on the contrary, I got more tensed up and agitated while reading the book. It's called 20 Fragments of a Ravenous Youth by Xiaolu Guo. I plan to do more excursions like these every week, hopefully.

But anyway, the reason I was like that is most probably because of the odd dream that I had today.

And why was it odd?

Usually, when I dream of guys, I usually find myself being the one who chases after them but the one I had today was sort of like the opposite.

I dreamt that I was in some kind of class and I got talking with a guy who is the brother to a guy that I was interested in, in that dream that is. Funny thing is that the guy I was interested in kind of shape-shifted every now and then between a guy that has no resemblance to any guy I've ever seen or met before and Prince.

I talked with the brother because it didn't seem as though the guy I was interested in was interested in me so I was like "It's okay, whatever, just go with the flow." My sisters soon joined in the conversation and they exchanged sly looks among themselves and I couldn't really get why.

Until the guy I was interested in came over and just sat down in front of me and we began to talk.

Come to think of it, he looked a bit like Ray from C-CLOWN as well hahaha.

Anyway, it got to the point where we were both alone and then he asked me out so I asked for his number and told him that I would miscall him so that he would have my number and then we arranged a date which I sort of think we set it for today, the 17th of April, after my meeting with Yu.

How easy it is for me to mix up fantasies and real life hahahaha.

But I never did call the guy and when I woke, I found myself regretting that I didn't.

It kind of bothered me the whole day I guess.

Looking to find me ranting about Prince? Sorry to let your hopes down today but I don't really feel like going to that place for now. Those feelings are still hanging on, sadly, and all I can do is have regret nagging away my sanity.

Yeah, typing that out just made me space out a few seconds.

Hopefully tomorrow goes well and I can strengthen our friendship just a tiny bit more.

Smooth

He came much more earlier than myself to class for once which shocked me a bit. He and Carl were all set for the evaluation for our project and they got an A while Yu and I got an A-B.

One thing that struck me a lot was that I missed seeing him.

Today though, I didn't ogle at him as much as I used to and I also did my best to not follow him around. The times I did though were purely accidental since Yu was dragging me here and there to look at the other models.

I admit, I wanted to talk with him very badly and I just felt so impatient and nervy while I was with Yu, discussing our models and drawings. I finally got the chance though when the professors had finished evaluating their work and ours and were looking at other projects.

I kept going to their models and drawings and looking at them for a long time, especially the panels containing the sections and plans and Yu and I just looked at the model and she wondered whether or not we could take a look inside and since I was curious as well, I asked him whether or not the side could be opened and he and Carl readily came to show us their model.

Naturally Carl tried talking more with me and I did respond but I was asking Prince more questions than him but Carl answered them anyway. Carl also walked over behind me at one point but I smoothly walked to a different position. I really thought that he gave up on me since he didn't try to do anything yesterday but one can only hope hahaha.

I didn't make a lot of eye contact with Prince compared to last time. I figured that I should try take things slowly in rebuilding our friendship.

I still do think that we have the same wavelength because he and I were kind of in the same place at the same time when we went to look at other people's work.

Also, and even though this is highly coincidental, I took more to his drawings than Carl's.

And exactly how did I know that it was his?

On the section drawing, there was a missing line and I asked them if it was on purpose or not and Prince said "Oh, I forgot to draw in that line."

I was really staring at those two panels that he did the whole time and he probably saw me but it's not as though I knew previously that he drew them.

On the other hand, he was also quite fixated on my drawing. A couple of people were, really, but it was his attention to it that mattered the most for me. He even took a picture of it and really contemplated it for a long time and I longed to discuss it with him but I knew it wouldn't be good. I think he knew it was my work.

When we talked though, he wasn't really warm and he kind of chuckled at one point I think and compared to his relationship with Acia, mine is like a dark valley while her's is up in the sky since they were smiling and laughing together.

Heck yeah am I jealous, especially since her project got an A as well but I won't complain.

Again we exchanged glances every now and then but I didn't dare to look for long though and I also made sure to interact with other guys so that he won't feel too special and perhaps, maybe, I wish, he was jealous because of that.

I hope that when I see him on Thursday we will take another small step in becoming friends.

To vanquish irrelevant hopes

I freaking hate myself for expecting that he will suddenly chat with me just because we're online at the same time on Facebook and I blame my high school girl mind for thinking like that.

For all I know he's chatting with his girlfriend. Boom.

I'm currently forcing myself to think like that but the annoying thing is that my mind refuses to believe in that and goes into fantasy mode instead. Why doesn't it ever learn???

For a second there, I opened up the chat window and then I immediately closed it and at the same time, he went offline as well so I panicked slightly, thinking that he knew what I just did but I decided to chill out and to just remain online for a short while and soon enough he came back on and after a few seconds, I closed the tab and I went here instead.

A little rant about my friends.

Yu considers herself as my best friend and in order not to hurt her, I didn't say anything because I don't consider her as one since I can't tell absolutely everything to her.

She also doesn't notice that I am still quite upset with this matter. Either that or she just doesn't care.

Okay, enough about that for now.

I really hope that I'll be able to keep my head up tomorrow, if Prince comes that is.

Now to watch a couple of videos before finishing my work.

In a sea of people

He didn't attend the lecture today which makes me feel partially relieved but now I do think the friendship between him and I as well as with Carl is quite strained and I need to fix that. I don't like having any strained relationships with anyone.

I like going for classes because then I'm not alone with my thoughts and at the very least I can pretend to be okay in front of people.

I told Rosa today and she said she felt sad for me. Talking with her made me feel a bit more better.

Here comes those 'if only's, running through my mind.

But I won't type them out, don't worry.

I hope things will go okay tomorrow. At the very least, I don't want any awkward silences. Let's see if I can play a puppet again tomorrow. A cheerful one that is.

Attached

I guess I really have no idea how much I like him. In fact, I still don't even want to type out the word "liked" instead of "like".

I got a dream of him last night and yet again, it just revolved around the both of us talking like we were really good friends and it felt really comfortable talking with him and yes, as wrong as this sounds, it felt really right that we were talking.

Can I be extremely, tremendously selfish for once and wish that he would like me?

No, I can't. The guilty feeling that I get after wishing for that is too heavy to bear.

I mean, his girlfriend must really like him and he must really treasure her as well. I can't go about ruining two other people's happiness for the sake of my own.

I actually felt quite okay last night about not being able to have gotten closer with Prince in the past months but whoosh here comes those feelings of regret again.

"Why?"

There're too many 'why's in my head now and I'd really like to drown them all out but it's really hard.

It got so bad this morning that there was a point where I really felt like I was about to cry.

"If only."

There're too many of those too. I keep thinking about the quote I read yesterday by Albert Einstein "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" which goes to say that the next time I am attracted to someone, I actually have to do some action, a different one from the ones I did before.

I think it took me roughly 3 months to get over Law but that was easy to do I guess since I hardly saw him throughout the time I liked him, I hardly talked with him, and he wasn't in college anymore when I started to become more obvious. This time, I have no idea how long I will keep this feeling in me before I feel it's okay to let go.

I really don't want to do anything productive now.

I still wonder if whether or not he was ever interested in me. I regret not sitting next to him during the Elements of Architecture exam but everything happens for a reason so I must just continue to look forward as often as I can.

Split ends

I'm occupying my time with the most irrelevant things like watching cooking shows on YouTube at 2 in the morning because I'm doing anything I can to get my mind off him.

But I just can't.

I've been thinking about him the whole day, even when I was at the exhibition with Yu and Xia though I doubt that they noticed that I wasn't as cheerful as usual. I did my best to hide it but I just couldn't enjoy the exhibition as fun as it was.

I attended Mass and had some shopping done for my dinner tomorrow and I ate dinner out by myself and yeah, it really does sound sad but I needed some time to think alone.

I actually considered going to a bar but I wasn't wearing the correct outfit for the occasion and neither did I feel hot enough to be a beautiful woman, alone at the bar.

I'm really not in the mood to be productive now and I just want to laze all day but I just can't seem to bring myself to do that. I actually get guilty when I indulge even the slightest bit.

The thing is, I'm just... lost. In a way.

I'm pretty much thankful that he isn't avoiding me on Facebook (like going offline when he's actually on, which I actually did to a guy a couple of years back...) even though he didn't reply to my birthday wish to him but oh did he like everyone's wall post on his wall. Yeah. That stings just a little bit.

I feel a bit better when I write all of this out instead of only keeping it inside my head. My mind feels so heavy and stuffed like a grandma's armchair.

He's probably indifferent towards this situation and doesn't think of me more than once in a week. Such a big contrast to what's on my mind hahaha.

Okay, guess that's just it. Hopefully I will get to move on slowly.

I still would like to be his friend though, a real one. I'd like to experience what it's like to have a real guy friend since I actually don't have any.

A positive outlook

Somehow I'm actually finding myself trying to make it seem as though the whole world is a miserable place but I actually don't think of it in that way. I hope you get what I mean hahaha.

Prince is still on his trip I guess since he didn't come today.

I'm doing my best to lift my spirits up high, really, but I guess I just don't realise how much I like him. It's still in a present tense, not a past.

Like today, I decided to distract myself by looking at other guys and there was a really good looking British guy in class today (which almost every girl attacked during the break, even those who aren't single XD) but I found myself forcing my brain to get attracted to him.

Maybe my brain just thinks that Prince is the perfect guy, I don't know.

I just finished talking with Helen just now on Skype and she really made me feel a heck lot better. If it weren't for her, I'd still be a little blue.

So to counter my sadness today, I bought a lot of food and gobbled it up but I won't carry on with this hobby. It's definitely unhealthy.

I will just go and clean the kitchen, take a shower, and then read a book in bed and take a rest even though I really have some studying to do but hey, everyone can take a break once in awhile right?

About Prince, I will still treat him the same way as last time but this time, I want to work towards becoming his friend and since I'm not chasing after him anymore, I guess I'll feel more comfortable talking with him.

I'm also looking forward to working with him, if I do get the chance to be his partner in any of our courses.

I think I won't be posting a lot now so this blog will become silent again, just like the time in August and September, but who knows for sure?

The only problem now is that I don't have much motivation to improve since I derive most of the motivation from my feelings when I like a guy. I will do my best to keep it going!

Confirmed

Yesterday when Yu and I were making our model in the laboratory, Prince and Carl walked in and at first they tried to look for another place to sit but since only Yu and I's table were free, they had to settle there. Prince sat closest to me but I wasn't there most of the time anyway.

We only talked a bit at the end, like regular classmates, but he looked like he wanted to say something to me as he was leaving.

I have no idea whether or not he hates me for liking him but to be sure, I know for sure that he has a girlfriend.

When Carl came over to me today and started to talk with me, I asked where Prince was.

"Oh, he went to Torino."
"For what?"
"Oh we went to Torino with his girlfriend."

There you go.

Tia overheard the conversation and she tried to console me as much as she could even though she was so tired as she didn't sleep yesterday due to our assignment (the deadline was thankfully pushed to this coming Tuesday).

I have no idea what I'm doing now.

Now that I don't have much to occupy my time with, I am more aware of this fact more than ever.

If only I freaking had the courage to talk with him last year or even earlier on this year since he just got together with her or something like that.

Oh gosh why. Why why why why why don't I learn from my past mistakes?????????????

At this moment I am having an emotional war between my rational and sensible side (there are other guys in this world) and my crazy and stupid side (WHY WAS I SO STUPID TO NOT MAKE FRIENDS WITH HIM LAST YEAR????)

Okay, I really can't afford to rant everything out here and neither can I produce any tears now. They're all just in one big heap of a mixture inside me and I feel like I have temporarily lost any motivation and hope to live.

I will come around soon, hopefully.

I guess for now I just need to find something to distract me.

And I guess it's too late to say this but Prince, I like you.

Could I just get any more luckier?

I was all set to wish him "Happy Birthday Prince!" but I was stuck with a heck lot of drawing and he looked really busy. I also didn't want to just go up to him because Carl was there as well and he's starting to be really obvious now and at one point I snapped at him but it wasn't intentional, really. I just had a lot of work to do and I actually still do but today's news is by far the most important one yet.

Anyway, going in chronological order here, Prince and Carl left so I felt a bit sad that I didn't get to wish him so I Facebook messaged him but surprise surprise he came back alone and sat behind Yu and I but I just concentrated on my work.

So here comes the important news.

As I was packing up to leave, Yu said to me in an ever so cheerful voice "I have something to tell you about Prince."

I said "What?"

And somehow, I just knew bad news was going to come spewing out from her mouth.

"He has a girlfriend."

Surprisingly, I don't feel as devastated as when I found out that Law likes someone else but you can bet your guts that I have no form of motivation left to keep me going.

I am crying silent and invisible tears.

I am trying to shed real ones but they just can't come out and I am now trying to stand this pain that is choking me blue.

I can't believe it. I really, freaking, can't believe it.

This has been the third time already.

In all cases, the guy I like already has someone in their hearts and in all cases as well, guys I don't have any interest in takes an interest in me.

Funny right?

Is this some kind of a curse??? I thought number 3 was the magic number.

I don't get why Yu was so cheerful about it either. She definitely did not notice the sudden loss of spirit in me.

One thing for sure is that I really have good taste in guys. Why do I say that? Because none of them ever confronted me directly and rejected me straight out.

Also, all three of them have fans.

Why didn't I suspect this sooner????

Prince is really the whole package, looks, intelligence and good-natured. Why wouldn't he have a girlfriend? Especially since he's already 22.

I honestly feel like I'm on autopilot now. That everything I'll do now for about three months will be done by an empty me.

In fact, I actually believe that the news hasn't properly sunk into my brain yet.

Wow I really look calm now, like someone who's just typing away at some essay. You wouldn't be able to tell how much I want to scream out now by looking at me.

I cannot think clearly now. I just hope that I will be able to move on slowly.

Surprisingly, now I feel like I can talk to him more comfortably now and I feel less scared of approaching him. I still want to be his friend though.

Is that what you call mature? Trying to get over a crush even though it really hurts?

I don't know.

And my irrational brain still wants to talk with him but I will definitely keep to the friendship territory. Not like I'm hot enough to be a candidate or anything that can entice him but I don't want to make him bear the burden of me liking him. I do think that it is a burden when you like someone and they don't feel the same way.

This post didn't turn out as dramatic as I thought it would be. Oh well. I guess it's cause I'm really tired.

All the way home

And no, I don't mean it in the sexual way hahahaha.

I honestly, honestly thought that today would be a very bad day. Why? I only got two hours or so of sleep and I didn't have much for breakfast.

When I got to class, the professor wasn't there (she came late, typical Italian timing) and by the time I got in line so that she could check my work, I was number 12 and I wanted to finish early so that I could go back home fast and sleep.

Well, guess what?

I gave up my 12th spot to another for the 19th and again from the 19th to the 24th. Why? Because I rather see myself suffer than see others in torture, especially if they have better things to do than me.

But I actually felt less depressed and much better after doing those small tiny acts of kindness. I even gave a homeless woman some coins because I'm sure she's way more hungry than I am. It felt good to give back to the world.

Also, I talked with both Tia and Rosa today (on separate occasions that is) about Prince and they both thought that he wasn't pissed off with me, just that he was in a bad mood. Tia even went so far as to think that he's interested in me and he's in a conflict with a girl or with Carl about me and yes, that would be a fantasy but I highly doubt it. It really made me feel better to talk about these things with someone, although I was positively blushing the whole time. I can't believe that I can blush so easily these days. I never could when I was a child and oh how my younger self wished she could and now she can. You happy now?

But anyway, how does all of this relate to Prince?

First off, he came only in the afternoon and I didn't want to believe it at first (since I got such a short glimpse of him) but I know that I can't mistake him for another person. He confirmed his presence for me though, by writing his name on the blackboard.

I have a feeling that he kind of overheard my conversation with either Tia or Rosa but I also doubt it since we were talking in low voices in front of the class while he was sitting at the back.

After my turn, I just knew I wanted to talk and apologise to him. It's because I watched a YouTube video last night, a motivational one, about how we can make ourselves better by thinking "How do I make today the best day of my life?" so I was eager to try it out.

Besides, my lack of sleep prevents any rational thinking so it was the perfect time despite the rising fear in my heart.

I actually had two choices.

1. To exit through his side (since he was sitting next to the main door).
2. To exit through the back door. Which has Carl. Who suddenly came back. After having finished his turn 2 hours ago. =-=;

Naturally I actually wanted to avoid Prince's door but thanks to Carl, I chose option 1. Luckily.

So I was opening the door, carrying a heck load of things with me, thinking that Prince would probably not notice me but he actually stopped to look at me and my insane amount of baggage for awhile and I took that as a 'Go' sign to talk with him. And thus, I did.

I can't remember exactly how it went but I'm sure I opened it up with a "Prince, I'm really sorry about yesterday." and I probably added "I'm sure you were in a bad mood" and "I'm sorry for always annoying you" to that mixture as well to which he responded in mumbles of "No, no" and I think I even heard him say either "It was my fault" or "It's not your fault".

But what made me smile all the way home was the fact that the second I spoke to him, he grinned and his eyes were the same friendly looking eyes like last time.

It really seemed like the smile of an angel's and if I had been alone in the hallway, I tell you I would've cried in relief and joy.

Really.

I immediately felt a weight being lifted from my shoulders and I felt my face lighting up and I smiled back at him and the eye contact we made was magical again.

He had very positive body language as well; his whole upper part turning to face me as we talked.

I forgot to mention two things about the Switzerland trip.

While we sat side-by-side on the first night, he had a very open body language with me, sitting with his legs wide apart and him sinking in his seat so I know that he was comfortable sitting next to me.

Also, I had a really long dream about him that first night and I don't know about what. I had another dream about him last night as well but I don't know about what either.

But anyway, I am just super relieved and happy and glad and overjoyed that he grinned at me.

And I will stop here for today because I am tired and I think I will cook dinner now and then sleep and then wake up and take a shower before working. I really need to rest and I think my body clock is seriously out of whack now.

Thank you so much, God, for today. :)