My type?

I just re-watched this video about Lee Jong Hyun just now while going through my other blog: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhMwgR3yGRE&feature=g-like and I realised that I actually do have a type that I subconsciously fall for.

Well, apart from the fact that all the guys that I've had a serious interest in so far are Asian, they all hold some similar attributes and in this case, I'm going to compare Prince and Jong Hyun.

One, they are a bit awkward around people, especially around those that they aren't comfortable with.

Two, they have some kind of good boy aura around them but they kind of have some kind of hidden spice that they don't really show either.

Three, their smiles are really innocent and their entire face seriously lights up whenever they do. I don't know if Prince has any dimples or not though, unlike Jong Hyun, since I mainly make eye contact with him whenever I talk with him.

Speaking of which, Tia is plotting something so that I can get his number and although I don't really want that to happen, I'm curious enough to see how it'll go.

Anyway, continuing on, some of their physical features are also the same and they have the look that I would go for as well, dark hair, athletic build (not supremely muscular, mind you) and big eyes.

Well that's all that I'll be writing about now, I need to sleep.

Like a fluffy piece of cotton

My sister, Rainie, finally came! :D And surprisingly, or not, I wasn't a socially awkward penguin with her friends. I guess I am making some progress in the social area. :)

On the train ride from Bergamo to Milan, Rainie began to publicly discuss about Prince and even though I did mind it a bit, I wasn't pissed or anything like that. In fact, even when she and her friend began to say that Carl was really cute (since he's European) and that I should choose him since he's interested in me and that Prince wasn't really that cute, I didn't mind it at all.

I proved them wrong however about Prince. I showed them another picture of him and they began showering compliments, saying that he looks like a Hong Kong singer (that was Rainie's friend and she doesn't know that he is from Hong Kong). AHAHAHAHAHAHA. XD

Rainie was a bit worried for me about that because it seems as though I'm the only one initiating things (conversations and Facebook chats) and I can't blame her for that. In fact, sometimes I wonder if he even views me as a friend.

Just now though, while I was drawing away and doing my assignment, Rainie suddenly spoke to me.

Rainie: Beth. Beth!

Me: What?

Rainie: Prince commented on your photo.

Me: Huh? Really?

Rainie: Ya! Check it now!

And so I did and yeah he did.

It was a picture that I uploaded two hours ago that I tagged Yu in since it had the measurements for the building that we're studying now so I typed in "Measurements! :) Have a good holiday!" because she's taking off for France tomorrow.

Prince typed "pain in the ass". XD

I am shocked really, that he commented. This means that he does at least view me as someone he can communicate with through Facebook and I am happy about that.

I typed "Hahaha I know but what to do?"

When Rainie said that he commented on my photo I felt some kind of cotton candy like happiness forming inside me and amazingly, I didn't go into a hysterical euphoria unlike the time I liked Law and when he commented on my status. I'm experiencing more of a soft kind of joy somehow.

Speaking of which, I got another dream of Prince yesterday. I can't remember the content but I just know that I talked a lot with him. Funny how most of my dreams about him revolves around the both of us just talking.

Well, at least I know that he didn't forget me. I thought he already did. Really.

However, Rainie pointed out that he doesn't call me by my name. 

"So how does he know you?" 

Very true Rainie, very true. I have yet to hear him say my name.

I read back the early parts of my blog about Prince the day before yesterday and I can't help but feel a bit proud of myself for having come so far that it slightly scares me now, but I will not falter.

I will sleep now. It's late and I need to sleep and get some rest.

Thank you, God, for making me able to move forward step-by-step in the social arena.

A metal mesh

I pulled an all-nighter last night woohoo so I need to sleep soon. :D All-nighters will make me very hyperactive the next day and with an added dash of coffee, I was literally shaking in excited jitters the whole day. I love my school work now hahaha.

Anyway, getting off topic from the start already hahaha, I am here to talk about Prince. :)

I came on time today (and as usual, the lecturers weren't =-=;) and I waited for Yu at the front row but when she came she said that we should move to the second row (since the first one is always used to present drawings and such) so we did.

While we were discussing our project, the door opened and I looked up (which is something I rarely do these days, mainly because of Carl) and I saw Prince, which is a bit shocking since he usually comes very late. Again we made eye contact and I watched as he went to the furthest seat in the same row as Yu and I before my attention was forced to return to our project.

I didn't get the chance to talk with him because not long after that, Carl walked in and went to the opposite side of the room and Prince quickly changed his seats to be next to Carl. I felt like he glanced over every now and then (like when I was laughing out loud at one point) but I couldn't tell for sure since I wasn't really glancing at him.

I wanted to talk with him but it didn't seem as though I had any time to spare to do so.

In fact, as soon as the lecturers came in, Yu and I became busy because one of the assistants came over to our drawings and began making a lot of comments and giving a lot of critiques so we gave our full attention (I got very excited over the project ahahahaha XD).

I wanted to go over to where Prince had put up his and Carl's drawings to look at them but I just couldn't get away so I had to remain there, giving the occasional glance in their direction where they had taped the papers to the wall.

When another guy (a professor maybe) came over to discuss about our model for the project, more people started to come and Prince and Carl also came over.

I thought that Prince would leave, really, since he had already walked past our drawings and had glanced at it several times but instead, Carl was the one who left and he remained there, standing on my side of the table, looking at the drawing for quite some time before he left. Yeah, I really wanted to talk with him then but I just couldn't since I needed to listen to everything that the professor had to say.

Maybe him coming over was a sign? I don't know, I won't read too much into it.

Towards the end of the class I started to get a bit agitated and I even made a couple of foolish reactions in class (=-=;) and because of that he looked my way and I blushed really badly, but I couldn't help it. I really wanted to talk with him.

And me being foolish was one of the ways to get it out of my system, even if it is a bad one.

Yu still wanted to discuss with me so I tried to wrap things up faster and by the time they were taking down their drawings from the walls, I couldn't pay much attention to Yu anymore since I was so afraid of him leaving without me exchanging any words with him.

Yu: Okay. Now let's go to buy the materials.

Me: Wait, Yu, can I please go talk with him?

Yu: No, we need to go now.

Me: Please??? For a short while only.

Yu: Fine.

And with her understanding smile in my mind, I just walked over to where Prince was and I pushed back all my fear deep down inside.

Me: Prince, what kind of material are we supposed to use for the building? Is it only one type?

Prince: For your building facade, I think you should use a metal mesh, or something like that.

Okay, I actually don't know how it really started but it's somewhere along those lines. I just remember that I asked one question and then he immediately went into another topic that was somewhat related to the topic I introduced but wasn't exactly what I had wanted to ask, you know? All I can recall is that he said that he has been to a modelling class before and he has two friends who know some stuff about it so he will help me by asking them about it and then telling it to me later.

I completely zoned out after that because he actually offered to help me. He's being so nice and friendly and all and here I am, just awestruck. Or lovestruck. Which ever it is, I really didn't expect him to do that for me so yes, I was extremely euphoric on the inside.

When I called his name, I didn't even look at Carl and just did my best to make eye contact with him. Carl kept trying to interrupt though by asking "What is a metal mesh?" but Prince kind of ignored him and just continued talking with me about the possibilities of creating the facade of my project. At one point though, when there was a short break in the conversation, Carl re-asked the same question and Prince answered him so I broke eye contact for a couple of seconds. When we resumed talking again though, I resumed making eye contact with him and he really does have brown eyes.

Anyway, we made eye contact throughout the conversation and I made sure to smile at some points and he smiled sometimes as well. My body position was initially facing away from him (since Carl was nearby) but when I noticed that his feet were pointing towards me, I immediately faced him as well to show positive body language and I just don't know but it was the eye contact that made that conversation for me.

He rarely blinked and I just felt like he was looking at me. I was both nervous and happy at the same time and at certain points, my voice cracked and shook a bit (I blame the coffee here too) but I did my best to cover up. In fact, whenever he was nearby, I'd get nervous and I'd push my hair away from my face.

At the end of the conversation, I gave him a really big smile (I think even my smile trembled from time to time when I was talking with him) and then I said "Thank you so much!" and then I touched his right shoulder before making a kind of awkward retreat.

Heck yeah did he look surprised. I was also surprised with myself because I thought about doing it but I didn't actually think I would. Maybe it's because I saw him shaking hands with Carl that morning that I felt jealous that both of them are close enough to make physical contact. Regardless, at least he didn't flinch away from me. He just looked shocked.

Speaking of which, while he was talking with me, his eyes seemed really big the whole time, even though he was wearing glasses. Also, he didn't dress very fashionably today. Maybe that's why I felt much better approaching him.

He's very thin though, I felt like I barely felt any flesh on him. He should eat more. :|

And I got really excited after talking with him so I left as soon as possible with Yu and I did my best to mask my excitement.

Heck yeah am I happy and I am still excited hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahaha. XD

Oh gosh, I really need to sleep.

I am happy that he doesn't hate me, that he is treating me slightly more than just a classmate, that he actually wants to help me, that he made eye contact with me etc. etc. etc.

I have definitely learnt my lesson from Law's case and I am thankful that I went through it so that now, at least and I hope, I won't screw up as badly as I did last time.

I felt like Carl felt defeated somehow. I think it's quite obvious that I like Prince now, that I'm interested in him. Oh, and I actually told two other friends about Prince, Shay and Elle. Shay knows more though and she knows about Carl liking me and she's kind of helping me in this sector. Thanks to her, I really wouldn't have been the person I am today socially, really.

Okay, I guess that's it for today. I am glad that I am progressing slowly, but surely, in making a friendship with Prince! I hope I won't screw up and that I will continue to have this kind of mindset because I really want to use it when completing my projects as well.

Today has been a really good day despite the sudden icy weather and cloudy sky.

Thank you so much, God, for this wonderful blessing that you have given to me. :)

So easily

As fired up as I was today to talk with him, he didn't come for the class so I felt like all the energy from my body depleted to a very minimum level (especially since I only got 3 hours of sleep last night).

At this point, at this moment, I start to doubt whether or not I'll get the courage to talk with him the next time I see him. I really do hope I will and that things will be smooth sailing after that.

And also I'm really being a mean person now to Carl. Well, I'm mean but I'm still being polite because I don't want him to like me. Really.

Like today, at first I was talking with some friends regarding me and Yu's project and because that is kind of his circle as well, he walked over so fast and began talking with him but my lack of sleep made me feel very uncomfortable so I couldn't act very friendly and I avoided his gaze a lot.

Why does this always happen to me? Why can't the guy I'm interested in be interested in me for once?

Okay, I'm seriously procrastinating on work now so I've got to get moving.

P.S. I feel like reading back all my posts about Prince. Maybe I'll do that to stay awake as I draw. Hopefully I can finish it all by tomorrow.

Even in doubt

Yes, this is a reminder to myself to be brave, to have courage, and to take risks.

If I really want to become his friend, I can't just write blog posts about it and not take any action, I actually need to do something in real life, to show that I really want to be his friend.

For instance, I always look for my other classmates and I actually walk over to their place and talk with them for 10 minutes or so about the most randomest things so I would like to try and do that with him when I see him.

The topic doesn't even need to be very important, just so that I can link our friendship even closer, bit by bit every day.

So right now, or whenever, even though I am still scared of approaching him (although the fear has decreased slightly), I'll go and talk with him. I do feel more comfortable now to talk with him and I do want to keep this momentum going.

I oovoo-ed with Skye, Rainie and Summer today, extremely early in the morning, and they all just said that I should talk with him more and they also suggested that I sit on the bus together with him during the field trip.

At first I really felt reluctant to and I was scared to but now that I really think about it, I know I will regret it if I don't and I will regret it even more if Prince only sits with Carl or if he sits with Acia only, worst case scenario.

Or, he could be sitting with another guy that isn't in our studio but I think is coming along.

Regardless of what is to come, I want to sit next to him at least once and to hold a conversation with him, to get to know him better.

I pray and I hope that I will still have this kind of fire in me the next time that I see him.

It's getting late now and I want to sleep so that I can wake up early and do my assignment. Hopefully I will be able to finish everything by tomorrow. It isn't much I suppose so I just hope that I can really concentrate tomorrow and finish them all off so that she can check it and if I still need to improve, I will have time during the holidays to do so.

I will think in a more simple manner, as much as possible, from now on.

P.S. Xia knows that I like Prince now. We talked for a long time just now and I feel like we're slowly getting closer. :)

Feeling better

Again, I'm speculating it's because of the good weather. When I walked into class, I really did feel like my spirits were higher. I'm probably craving for human companion so when Rainie comes over during the Easter Holidays, I'll feel better hopefully.

I came very early with Xia today and there were really few people in class. When one of our professors began talking to one of our classmates and commenting on her work, we started to gather around her table. At that point Carl walked in and people started turning around to see who just came in but I didn't cause I could see who it was through the reflection of the window panes. He stood next to me and I kept shifting further away from him because I didn't like him being close to me.

I went back to my seat after that though but I got called back again by another professor to join in the discussion and luckily I wasn't standing next to him.

5 minutes later, the door opened and I saw that it was Prince who just came in. After putting his bag down, he stood behind me and I felt really happy about that.

We went back to our seats after that but I didn't remain behind Prince for long cause I had to sit next to Yu to talk about our project (a building we're studying for the upcoming trip) that we had to present in front of the class.

When it was our turn, I really crapped a lot while putting on a heck lot of cheap confidence and I was mainly starring at the professors the whole time but I also wanted to see if Prince was looking at me or not so I looked at him and he was and he looked a bit shocked but we made eye contact alright ahahaha. He never got to present his one though so I felt a bit disappointed (cause I wanted to stare at him openly AHAHAHAHA).

We also had to go in front of the class to listen to some of our classmates at one point and I felt Carl move behind me so I tried to move away from him because initially, he was too close to me since I could hear him breathing. I withstood it for as long as I could before going to the toilet and when I came back, I moved to a different space but I did feel slightly sad that I had to give up that spot since Prince was standing behind me as well.

After the lunch break though I had to move my things to sit next to Yu, which meant sitting next to Carl, and I did my best to not look at him although Prince was sitting to his left so yeah.

Yeah, I'm mean. But at least I still respond to him.

Carl asked me a question some time after that. "Beth, do you know when is the deadline?" And I said gibberish hahahaha but I was too cheerful cause I was about to laugh my head off since Yu was teaching me Mandarin. I looked at Carl for a second really but since Prince was looking in my direction, I made eye contact with him instead.

Also, after I sent Yu off after we bought our paper, I came back and realised that I missed some important announcements by the professor so after they left I wanted to ask Prince about it but lo and behold, Acia came over with her friend and began complimenting Prince's sketches, saying that they were really good.

And here's when I noticed that they aren't really close anymore. Maybe she's reaching out to him since he's the last guy in the room who is really attractive.

Speaking of which, I told Yu about how Prince wasn't really warm with me when we chatted on Facebook yesterday and she said that she didn't like guys like him because she said that those guys know that they are hot and what not and are arrogant about it.

I think, however, that what she said is probably not true. He seems like a really down-to-earth kind of guy and he helps people out a lot. And yes he might curse and make fun of what the professors say sometimes but it isn't really all the time. I'm seriously making him sound like some kind of jerk but he isn't, really. He doesn't have that kind of aura.

Anyway, back to the topic of today.

After Acia left him, I got up to throw rubbish and some untouched coffee and just as I got up, Carl began bragging (kind of) that he's been going to the gym but I didn't hear what else came after that since I went out of the classroom to throw those things.

I do for a fact know that he goes to a gym.

How?

He keeps posting those kind of pictures that says 'A summer body is earned during winter' on his Facebook profile so I assume that he is the kind of guy who wants to get attention. Well, maybe my attention for that matter but honestly, I don't really care whether or not a guy has six packs or not, as long as he's healthy. And as far as I'm concerned, Carl doesn't drink a lot of water or he just prefers alcohol or something (again, one of the things that he posted up saying something along the lines of 'Drinking water is good but then again it never solves any problems' and then he mentioned something about alcohol being better; on that same post though, Prince said "It re-hydrates you :)  and yes, Prince drinks a heck load of water).

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked again.

I went back inside and I packed my things up before walking in front of them and I looked at Carl for a brief moment before focusing my attention on Prince and I asked whether or not I missed out any important announcements and lo and behold, after Prince said "No" Carl sputtered out a long sentence.

I kept asking Prince questions and sometimes he answered but really, Carl tried to elbow himself in and I felt like Prince was allowing Carl to do so but whenever I talked with Carl, I used body language to show that I wasn't interested like using wandering eyes and I even made eye contact with Prince instead.

I'm just glad that Prince was nice enough to me. He talked with me and smiled a couple of times and we made a lot of eye contact. Even when I said "Bye guys" I made eye contact with him and he probably just gave a small smile or something but I felt like the whole world tuned out so I don't even remember whether or not Carl said anything.

Sometimes I really hate this other side of me, the one where I'm mean to guys who are interested in me but I don't reciprocate their feelings. I just don't want to raise their hopes up high.

Oh yeah, another thing, while the assistant was talking with Yu and I regarding our project, Prince came over to look for a short while before he went back to his seat and then after that, Carl came along and stood for a long time. Luckily, Yu was between him and I and it was also unfortunate that Yu was between Prince and I.

I told Yu about Carl today. I guess she'll be observing him from now on.

Tonight, I don't feel as sad or as empty as I did the past few days. I feel quite contented somehow.

I'm slowly working my way to becoming Prince's friend and I can only hope that he will regard me as one and that I will be able to talk more with him. I'm becoming more comfortable when talking with him and I can only hope that he'll notice that I do act a bit more differently around him then around other people but then again, I'm sure he has an inkling that I like him from my previous oh-so-obvious actions.

Anyway, I'm beat and I need to sleep soon so hopefully I will wake up early tomorrow and get some work done. :)

Today was quite good.

Under an abstract umbrella

I now positively believe that there's something wrong with me.

Somewhere, somehow, along last week's timeline, I lost all my emotions.

In the daytime and through electronic means of communicating, I act oh so joyful and bubbly and cheerful while housing a white emptiness inside, like a Russian doll. It gets worst at night and sometimes I feel really lonely as I curl up under my blankets and think blankly before I fall asleep.

So I really thought that this had something to do with Prince since I always get the urge to talk with him whenever I see him online on Facebook.

So I chatted him up today, exactly a month since we last chatted on Facebook, asking about our project and how to get to an airport. He was nice as usual, although his responses were sometimes a bit slow, but he wasn't as warm as he used to be. Did I not show interest in him so he lost interest in me? Or is it because of Carl?

Well, regardless of that, I am a stubborn person so I will continue to keep this interest in him although I can feel that it's slowly starting to fade away.

Now why did I chat with him?

As I was walking from the print shop just now (in the rain, how lucky) I couldn't help but theorise that maybe I wanted something to happen, good or bad, so that I could evoke some emotion in me.

And I think that I was a bit depressed initially but as time went on, it wore off and here I am, feeling blank again in a way.

Not that I'm complaining much I guess, since being blank helps me to work on my projects, but it would be nice to be human again.

I keep going out with people but I don't know, I just can't feel anymore warmth.

I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow.

Maybe the weather controls me

I wanted to post this up yesterday but my wifi was being crazy with me again so ha-ha-ha. =-=

Actually, nothing much happened yesterday.

He sat in the front row for once (I'm actually even more surprised that he turned up for that lecture) and he sat to  my north east but I controlled myself from looking at him too often.

During the break, he went in front to talk with the lecturer while I stayed at my desk because I wanted to finish my sketch for the tea house that we have to design.

One thing that I'm certain is that he doesn't hate me or anything like that because (and yes, even though this fact is insignificant) he leaned against the table next to mine. Then, he went of with some friends.

When break time was ending, I rubbed my hands together since it was starting to get really chilly and when he walked in and sat down, he also did the same and I felt like he was copying me. Also, I heard him crack his knuckles and that was the first time I ever heard anyone else except me cracking their knuckles. (I sound crazy, I know, for noticing all these tiny things).

I also felt like he wanted me to approach him at the end of the morning lecture but the feeling wasn't strong. In the afternoon though, he didn't sit in front and I thought that he didn't go for the lecture but when the lecture ended and I went in front of the classroom, I think he came along as well but I'm not sure about that since I didn't look at him at all but the next time I did, he was gone.

We both wore hoodies yesterday hahaha. A faded dark blue one at that. And most certainly, I did not look good at all yesterday.

I wasn't in the best of moods either yesterday and the weather then was really cold, wet and not really comfortable to be in.

But today, I felt different, at the very least, I felt a bit more happier than yesterday.

Maybe it's because I baked profiteroles today (I feel happy when I bake :D) or maybe because the sun was shining brightly today, but I just felt like no matter how crappy I'll be today, I'll be able to take things in a stride and be happy by the end of this day.

He came late for class but it didn't really matter since he was there. I felt like he looked at me every now and then and I came close to him and retreated from him at intervals as well.

And as much as I want to deny it, I baked the profiteroles for him, so that he could taste them. But I kept giving them out to people and so by the time I only had one left, he was just passing by a metre in front of me so I called out "Prince! Have one!" and stretched out my hand that was holding the container and he took the last profiterole and I don't remember him saying anything (maybe he said "Thanks") because I just remember making eye contact with him and looking at him slowly forming a smile, though it wasn't a big one.

He then walked back to the group he was talking with and I just watched him take a bite out of it and I had to look away otherwise I'd be smiling and grinning too stupidly. Tia also texted me, thanking me for the profiterole, and said "Prince is going to enjoy it :)" not knowing that I did give it to him and I just squealed for goodness knows what. Thank goodness I was already at home that time.

To get my nerves out though, I offered one to Carl and then he began talking with me about Bamboo tablets (It was around this time when Prince passed by in front of me). I actually thought that he lost interest in me already but looks like my suspicion has been raised to 80% already. I'm treating him nicely like a friend though. I treat all guys the same way.

But now, I honestly couldn't care what other people might say, I want to pay a bit more attention to Prince when I talk with him. I want to talk with him more and even if he can obviously see that I'm interested in him, I won't care too much and just persevere. One must be brave in facing risks, even if it will hurt you.

Also, I got a dream about Prince again last night. I really can't remember how it went but I am thankful that I got that dream somehow. I hope that it means something good.

Fortune Cookie

I went to a Malaysian restaurant today with Yu and Xia and at the end of dinner, we got fortune cookies.

Mine read: A friendly conversation will tear down barriers.

Or something like that.

Funny how I think I managed to do that earlier on today.

So I woke up today, making up my mind to finally talk with him as scary as it seemed and heck yeah did I feel pumped up to talk with him and I seriously felt confident.

By the time the first break came around though, I was a bit nervous and I almost chickened out, but, I said to myself "I'd regret it even more if I die and I didn't talk to him." So I got up and I went up the steps to his seat where he was sitting alone and I sat down next to him.

Me: Hey, can I ask you a question?

Prince: Yes, sure.

Me: Did I piss you off last Friday?

Prince: No, no. I was just sick.

And then we talked for a bit more after that about him being sick, the lecture, traditional Chinese medicine and me repeating about how relieved I was that he wasn't pissed at me. I made eye contact several times during the conversation and I only held it for a bit longer a few times.

Well, if that doesn't scream obvious, then I don't know what else will. At least I had the guts to go up to him and talk with him and I can only hope that we'll be able to talk a bit every time we see each other and gradually become friends.

Speaking of obvious, I am now 75% sure that Carl is interested in me. During the break in the afternoon, he walked in front of my table but my other friend said "Hi" to him so I made it look as though I didn't know he was there to talk with me.

Oh gosh, I really am mean to the people that I am not interested in who are interested in me. His table was really far from where we sat and he walked over to talk but really, he didn't put much effort.

Also, after I talked with Prince, Acia moved her seat to sit down next to him and I heard them talking a bit during the lecture but I guess they aren't so close anymore since they sat separately for the afternoon one.

And I think that I got back a bit of Prince's interest in me.

At the end of the lesson, we exchanged glances again and it felt a bit like the glance he gave me from last time. Well, I just hope it means that way.

And maybe the way that I show that I am interested in him is obvious and I will be embarrassed about it in the future for sure but I am being who I am and I don't know how to flirt and play hard to get so I might as well stick to the way that I have now.

I just hope that our relationship will become closer.

And that's it for today! :)

Two roads

After that big mental breakdown yesterday, I am surprisingly more calmer today.

Also, I am now 60% sure that Carl is interested in me.

One; The lecturer was taking the attendance and calling out our names and even though Carl was aware that I was in class, he still turned around to look at me of which I was indifferent to.

Two; While it was break and I was probably just at the beginning phase of being asleep, I heard someone call my name but it was very blurry and then I heard my name a second time and I recognised that it was his voice and I did want to respond, to be polite, but by the time my mind realised that it had to respond he said "Never mind."

Three; Prince came late and sat down next to Carl and they both started talking in fairly audible voices so I grew more awake and I eavesdropped their conversation. I couldn't really hear clearly but at one point I could make out the words "She's sleeping?" or something like that and after that, both of their voices became so low I just gave up on trying to listen in.

When I woke up later, Carl didn't say anything to me so yeah, whatever it was that he wanted to say to me earlier on wasn't important hence, he wanted to make a conversation with me.

Thinking too much? Maybe. But the possibility is there.

And now that it is, it makes it even harder for me to get Prince to like me, I think.

So I have decided that if I do see him online tonight and if I just feel okay and alright, I'll Facebook chat him and just talk. Talk about what? I don't know but I'll just make up something.

If I were to get rejected, it's fine. I'm sick of playing mind games with myself and I'd rather just get this out as soon as possible so that I can concentrate on other things.

That is all. We'll see how things will go.

Madness

Yes, due to several other contributing factors, I know that I am not in a right state of mind now.

Yes, I can still think and I know how to prioritise but I just can't organise my mind properly and to actually commit to them and act on the things I really need to do and I actually enjoy doing some of those things but I just can't. I can't do that right now.

And the big question here is: Why?

And the most simple and yet aggravating answer is: Him.

Guess what, ladies and gentlemen? I had another dream about him last night.

I have no idea this time, not much recollection that is, of what I dreamt about but all I remember is hearing his name and seeing his name everywhere.

I just might be schizophrenic now.

And I think I know the solution to this problem. It's to talk with him.

However, I am scared I might get rejected and then this problem will get even worse.

Or he will be nice to me and then this problem will get even more worse which is really one of the many worst case scenarios that I can imagine right now.

This is why parents should allow their daughters to hang around guys from a young age so that when they start to develop feelings for the opposite sex, they won't be as messed up and as nerve-wrecking as me.

I don't have any guy friends that are close with me. In fact, I do believe that all the guys are wary of me and I have no idea why. It must be me. What the hell am I doing wrong and how can I fix this???

You have no idea how tempted I am to just chat him up on Facebook but then again, I wouldn't know what to say to him cause I have no idea how to make a move towards being more than just classroom friends.

This is bad. This is serious. And I have no idea where I'm heading to or what I'm doing.

A friendship needs cooperation and effort from both sides. Maybe guys just don't want to be my friend.

And at this point, maybe I should just be a lesbian since I find talking with girls more easily and I bet I could even have enough charm to make a girl become my girlfriend.

But deep deep deep down inside, I don't want that. I really don't.

I want a guy.

And at this moment, I want one specific guy who probably doesn't even think about me except for the times when we see each other.

Why has all my love interest only been one sided?

When will it ever be both sided?

I cannot stand the way that I'm thinking now.

If I really get super crazy by the end of today and if I really cannot stand it any longer, you'll know that I'd have done something so stupid that will teach me a good lesson and that will probably scar me for life.

Or I might just chicken out and rock myself to sleep in a corner.

Why the hell am I so shy around guys I like???????????????

Almost slipped my mind

Yeah, I almost forgot about this.

I dreamt about Prince last night and I knew I was dreaming and I kept promising to myself to remember all the details that was so crystal clear in the dream but when I woke up I was in a daze.

So from what I can recall, we were in a big lecture theatre with steep rows and somehow after the lecture we ended up sitting next to each other with a couple of friends. Gradually the whole class emptied and it was just the two of us.

And again, I wasn't sure what our relationship was although my mind keeps saying it was something like marriage but for what I'm sure of, we weren't just friends.

And again, I just remember talking to him for such a long time and I really can't remember about what. I just knew that we were really having fun and that we laughed a lot.

And that's basically it.

I'm getting more dreams about him compared to the time when I liked Law. Maybe it's because I see him more than I see Law.

But yeah, that's it for now hahaha.

Really relieved

I can't tell you just how relieved I feel that he doesn't hate me.

And that I finally saw him online in Facebook.

So he isn't avoiding me or anything like that so yes, it feels really good to know that.

The only reason why my mood is a bit sour today is because of some school matters but I won't dwell on that for now.

So I'll just tell how today went.

In short, I did not do anything that would imply that I am interested in him. Well, at least I hope so.

He sat on the other side of the room in one of the back rows while I sat in front but later on the front row people had to move because they needed the tables to put our drawings on from the previous week so we moved and I was about to take the table behind Carl but Yu found a bigger space for us (Yu, Xia and I) so we moved there which happened to be a bit more nearer to Prince but not really.

Then during the break time I went to have a look at the drawings and I wanted to find his drawing but I went through all slowly, giving each piece enough time so that it wouldn't be obvious.

When I came to my drawing I looked at it for some time before going on to the next and lo and behold, it was his. I tried to not stay too long though and then I went back to my seat. What a coincidence, really. It made me just the slightest bit happy. I'm so easy to be pleased. =-=;

Then, he and Carl went around and I couldn't help but to cast a glance every now and then and the both of them paused at my drawing for quite a bit before going on to the next.

When it came to the time for everyone to gather to look at the drawings the three of us ended up being on the same side as Prince and Carl but I purposely went on the furthest side from the both of them. Carl went behind me at one point and he was really close but I acted indifferent to him.

I only looked at Prince every now and then and I felt that he also did the same but I can't be too sure about that.

Somehow I feel like he's the guy version of me. Some of the actions we did unconsciously was the same for example, when we stand up we placed one of our foot in front of the other.

He talked a lot with one of the girls in our class and yeah I felt a bit envious but at the very least he didn't talk with Acia who was there today.

Another extremely irrelevant but happiness bringing point is that he sat next to my drawing the whole time and yes it is more of an accident than a planned approach but I felt happy all the same. He even helped to put it back on the table when it was about to fall off.

Then at the end of the lesson I had to ask the lecturer a question so I went in front and shortly after he went in front as well and we stood next to each other but when another guy asked about his drawing I decided to put some distance between us and went closer to the table to have a better look.

And that's about it for today.

He wore coloured contacts today and he looked really different and I did my best to not ogle at him or anything but at certain points when he was presenting his work, I'd look at his face and study it for a bit. He really isn't that good looking but he has this aura about him and when he smiles, his whole face lights up.

Oh sheep I'm still stuck on him aren't I?

One person

Seriously, seriously, one person can affect your entire mood.

I seriously, seriously feel like he's avoiding me. Like literally avoiding me.

We usually go around the same time on Facebook but I haven't seen him on for 3 days.

And man do I sound crazy but yeah, I don't feel too sane now.

Oh wow, you're going to regret typing this out but you should be completely honest to yourself.

He didn't come for class today, and I wasn't expecting him to since our lecturer for this course isn't much but I do hope that I will at least see him tomorrow, even if we don't speak to each other.

I am seriously not in a good mood now.

What is this?

A few hours ago, I actually felt fine with how things are going, probably because I went out and had a bit of a social life today.

Prince isn't the only guy out there. He is definitely not.

I just don't want him to be mad at me or pissed at me or hate me for that matter and here I am being an over-dramatic/over-reactive female, thinking that he's avoiding me online on Facebook cause I haven't seen him online in ages.

Gosh I hate the way my brain works.

He's probably busy with something else but I can't seem to convince myself with that no matter how hard I try to.

I must remember, he isn't the only guy out there.

The only way I can distract myself from thinking that he's the only one out there is by thinking that somewhere out there, there is a guy like Narita Shinogu from Hot Gimmick who could possibly be the one for me.

I would like love to find a guy like him. Well, minus the part that he's in love with his adopted sister, he is my perfect guy.

I hope that, at the very least, tomorrow won't have a bad turn out. It can be as uneventful and as boring as it wants but I just don't want any thing to worsen what little friendship I have with Prince.

I will design my project after this before I sleep. At least I was slightly a bit more productive today.

Screwed up... big time maybe

So yesterday I came a bit late to Maths class with Xia so I immediately took the vacant front row seat at the side of the hall because I didn't want to make too much hassle by going to the middle where Yu was. I actually only noticed her when I took my seat so yeah.

A few minutes later, Prince came in and he took the seat next to me but we were separated by the aisle so technically we weren't really sitting next to each other.

I wanted to talk with him during our short break but I didn't have the guts to and Tia came over to my place so I ended up talking with her while he went off to talk with some other guys. I guess he's getting closer to Carl since there isn't anyone else that he talks to much, not even Acia's friend. Acia's still not back yet, I guess he must be missing her.

Then when we resumed the lesson, I did my best to pay attention but I felt really sleepy. At one point, when I tried to uncap my pen, it flew off to his direction and landed under his chair. He picked it up for me and I said 'Thank you' and gave him a smile but he looked really wary of me for some reason.

I didn't do that on purpose, really. I wouldn't want to get a guy's attention in that way.

Then as soon as it was lunch break, I asked him how long had he been sick for (since he was sniffling throughout class) and if he was on medication to which he gave really short answers and the atmosphere after that was kind of awkward.

I changed my seat after that to sit next to Yu and when I got out of class, I stupidly went in the same direction as him but I pretended to not notice him so I walked faster and pretended to look like I was in a real hurry or something.

I think I was angry with him and really, why should I get angry with him? He didn't do anything wrong to me.

I really feel like I pissed him off and I want to say sorry to him but June said that me asking him about his health already shows that I am highly interested in him so I'm thankful I didn't listen to Helen's advice about chatting him up on Facebook.

But then again, why do I have to be discreet about whether or not I like him? Why can't I just be honest?

I don't know the rules of the game at all.

On one hand, I want to chat with him and on the other I don't want to appear too eager or anything like that.

I really don't know.

It's like I was making progress and then I cut down every single bit that I had done and now I'm at the starting point again.

My mind is so messed up now. I don't know how to make this better.

I guess I'll never be good enough for guys that are my type.

Why does it always turn out this way?