Haunted

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I still have feelings for Prince and it's just that I am denying them even though I really don't think I do.

I mean, for instance on Friday during our Math lecture, he stood really near me, talking with Carl and one of my friends, and I didn't even feel bothered or anything. It was more of a 'meh' kind of situation. Or maybe I was just too fixated on the test that day but then again I didn't really care about the test so it couldn't have been that.

I do know that he at least acknowledges my presence. He turned to look at me when I went to ask the professor some questions when he was in front of the class with Carl, checking out their session for the exam later on in the afternoon.

The reason why I wonder about my feeling towards him is because I think I keep getting dreams about him.

Think.

I highlighted that part because most of the times after I wake up, I would have completely forgotten about who was in my dream but I will be able to remember that a significant guy played a major role in them. And I don't even know what my dreams were about.

I just have a nagging feeling that says that it's Prince and somehow, that doesn't settle quite so well in my mind.

I tried to get obsessed over Al (some people are even encouraging me to make the first move) but I just couldn't.

Just now though, I got to a point where I felt like my heart was beating for him but then I realised it's only because I long to feel the proximity of someone special so that there is real skinship between us.

But that short feeling for him manifested into a short story that I wasted an hour on. It sounds incredibly yucky I must tell you but I really didn't care about how I wrote it out because I just wanted to express the emotions that I wanted to feel, even if it wasn't in a very literature-esque manner. If I feel like it, I will post it up here, for laughs, cause I might lose that notebook one day and it'd be a shame to let such a silly piece of imagination to have gotten lost.

Out of my four sisters, I firmly believe that I'm the biggest romantic and thus it goes by some contradicting rule that they have all experienced relationships and I have not. Oh the world is a funny place. Sometimes I even think that it's okay to be single forever and to have never experienced a thing.

But I know that I really want to experience that kind of floral sensation.

And now back to my ventilated crawl spaces. Life isn't exciting at the moment but I guess it's to prepare me for something extremely happy or the other way round.

Isn't it obvious?

I know now for sure that Ivy likes him.


She posted on his timeline: Why didn't we take a picture together?


She got 3 likes, all from her close friends.


Luckily, none from his.




Honestly, I don't know how I'll be able to compete with her cause she's super skinny, has a face that's crystal clear and she's noticeably more shorter than him.


I'm the complete opposite.




I'm not sure if Law is playing with my feelings or not but I do know for sure that the next time he sees me, he'll see a completely different person and maybe, perhaps, he'd feel regret.


Regret for what? I'm not exactly sure.


This transformation process is a bit hard, but I'm determined to succeed.




But he doesn't seem like the type to play around with anyone's feelings from what I can observe and from what I gather.




Why did he pick me to go after him?


Why didn't he pick anyone else?


Was it because he didn't know anyone else?


Not really, cause he knows Jean and at that time, she was also available to be chosen since she didn't get the chance to play yet.


And when he chose me, he didn't even pause to think when Ms Dee asked him the question.


Like he knew he was going to choose me.




I've got a Physics test tomorrow so I'm turning in early tonight.


I must strive harder to become beautiful.

The honest and painful truth

I feel like a complete fool now. Like a total complete fool.


Rainie and Summer already asked me to ignore him already for the rest of my time in college but I just had to text him one more time.


But how am I supposed to ignore him when I hardly talk or SMS with him in the first place?


That's one of the lame reasons why I decided to text him.

Me: Hope today test wasn't too hard. :) Rest well and study hard!

Law: Its physics paper 5. Kinda like peka but abit harder cause you gotta plan yourself. Its not bad though since there is alof of freedom. (Grammar errors I know)

Me: Hate that paper the most. It's like practical and I suck at that. The freedom bit got its cons cause then you don't know if you're right or wrong.

I waited for thirty minutes before I texted him but now I regret it.

Cause maybe, I was playing too hard to get.

Regardless, I'm really going to ignore him on Thursday. For real. At least there's an excuse for me to ignore him now.

Cause I can't do it tomorrow as there's no school tomorrow.

Also... I really do think that he and Ivy is together.

She spammed his timeline with kitten videos again and he commented two minutes before I went online.

And then, I found out that I couldn't see his activity in the activity slot on the right side panel.

June wasn't very supportive with how I felt but in a way, that's good I guess.

I really.... I really feel sad and upset right now.

This really seems like Sumire no Blue but I know that I won't end up with him.

And somehow, knowing that hurts me really bad.

I honestly feel like crying but I can't cause my mom's right in front of me.

Want to know what my love prediction says???

Your efforts will soon bring wonderful - well earned - success and happiness.

Thank the universe for all the love you will receive and soon you will start to see the wonderful changes.

What a laugh. I really don't see how any of them will happen.

Was I too late in acting and doing anything?

I don't know. I have no idea.

The worse bit is that I still am holding onto this small bit of hope in my heart that keeps telling me to just hold on.

I thought the second time I'd like a guy (that I actually know and talk to) and get pushed away would be less painful.

But it hurts even more.

It does.

I think I'm going to call Helen before I go to sleep.

Cause I'm too ashamed of myself to call my sisters. But maybe I will later.

Can't tell Summer cause she's stressed out about her school activities now.

After exercising just now, I felt really better but now...

It just sucks like hell.

At a nonplus

I saw him sitting at a distance in front of me during the first break with a different group of friends and I felt like he looked my way a couple of times but then again I was too busy finishing up my Malaysian Studies assignment to even ogle at him.


I couldn't wait for second break to come any faster.


The minute I got out of English class, I went to pick June up in her class and then we went downstairs to buy lunch.


I placed my miscellaneous items on a table quite near where Law was sitting during the first break cause I figured that he wouldn't sit in the same place again.


So I went to buy lunch and when I came back, Sasha was sitting with one of my international friends, Lee Anne, at the table where I placed my things so I just sat down with them. Presently, June and Jean came around and sat down as well.


Then, when I had just begun to eat, I saw that Law walked by to my left (even though my sight was slightly blocked by Lee Anne and June who were sitting to my left) and that he sat down at the table right next to us.


After that, I couldn't really pay attention to what I was scooping into my mouth and I'm pretty sure I looked like a mess.


Throughout that time, my cheeks were burning up and it was so hot I actually wondered if I had a fever.


Sasha said to me "And again, another good location." I started to blush even harder and I looked away.


June also said that she saw Law looking at our table as if to see who was sitting there.


I've never seen him do that.


I hope I can trust June's sight.


Helen came to our place and started to tell me that she had lost something and naturally I listened to her but then she got up and went cause she said she needed to find some people.


I continued to sit there with the rest of them before I got up and went to buy ice creams with June and when we sat back down, Jean, Sasha and Lee Anne started to get up.


And so it was down to the both of us.


Over at his table as well, two of his friends (the couple) left and it was down to him, another guy friend and Ray who somehow kept on going to Law's table throughout break.


And then it became really tense cause almost every table around us was empty.


Then, June announced that we should go so I complied and I followed her to the sink where she washed her hands.


Then, Helen called me to tell me that she had found the thing that she lost and I began talking to her.


I noticed that Law and his friends also got up but then he started walking towards the main stairs so I felt slightly relieved.


But then, just as I took a step towards the hallway to the main stairs, he turned around and made his way towards me and I think he wanted to say something, I really do.


But I was fool cause I was too scared and nervous that I kept on saying to Helen on the phone "Wait! No! Wait! No! Wait! No!" repeatedly.


And we just passed by each other.


He and a friend was right behind me and Helen as we walked up the stairs.


I had to go to their lecture hall after that to meet some seniors and I think he was a bit surprised at that cause he kept on looking in my direction when I was there.


But tell me, if you weren't interested in that person, would you still continue to look at them?


I wish I could just text him right now or call him and talk to him.


But so many people is asking me to wait.


Like this prediction: Stay on the course, keep looking for the good and things will go your way in the long run - even if they don't appear to be working out in the short run.


And I admit, I was pretty shocked at one of the horoscope readings which went:


Mercury's retrograde phase brought him back into your communication sector on the 24th March, creating a second chance to give the past and unsaid words a voice. As Mercury turns direct today hold onto that opportunity and take this with you into the future, learning from past experience. This comes just as Venus returns to your work sector and when finding a balance between your personal and professional lives becomes a lot more important. You can't achieve the right balance without communication.


That was the day of the Election Board party and the day he first talked to me about something other than school.


How did it know???!


So I asked whether or not we'd be able to talk tomorrow and I got this:


Reactions positive to what you are seeking. Trying is not needed, only desire to do.


So you know what? I'm just going to take another risk of looking stupid and I'm going to greet him tomorrow with a smile and a "Hi" and hopefully, he won't hate me.