The wait

I really really really thought that I'd be over him by now.


Apparently, I'm not.


I'm blogging even though I feel so tired and I feel like crap cause this week has been one of the toughest week I've faced this year and what makes everything even more frazzled is the fact that I should be concentrating but I can't cause he is almost always on my mind.


This feeling is definitely more different compared to the crush I had two years ago.


Last time when I liked the guy, I got over him pretty fast and even getting over him didn't cause me to feel extremely upset.


In fact, when I met up with him and my friend, I didn't have those feelings for him.


The butterflies in the stomach, the wind in my mind.


I was of course excited to see him but I didn't get any of those feelings.


Today when I saw that some of the seniors were back to sit for their Biology exam, I couldn't help but hope to see him despite knowing the fact that he doesn't take Biology.


It's a good thing he didn't see me though cause I'm in my healing process and my scars are slowly fading.


I'm feeling much better about this whole liking thing cause previously, I could only concentrate on the mistakes I did.


Looking back, I've experienced so much more.


My one regret is not making friends with him truly.


He is really an amazing person.


I sincerely hope that I will get a second chance somewhere in the future.


I don't know if I'll confess to him cause I'm just going to go with the flow and see where this river takes me to.


Who would have known that this feeling would grow to become something so big it hurts. I certainly didn't.


I remember saying that I didn't want to fall for him in the first few days that I started to like him but then when I got to know him a bit better, I fell for him even more because...


Because he partly reminds me of myself.


I think that's why I'm so attracted to him because I feel like we can truly understand each other.


I'm glad to see that he hasn't been online a lot lately cause I think he's studying. Hopefully he isn't playing Diablo 3, which by the way looks awesome.


Going to sleep now cause I have a First Aid test tomorrow.

Everything happens for a reason

I feel like I screwed up any buddings of friendship that he and I could have had.


I was just too impatient to rush things and maybe I scared him off or something.


At least he was nice enough to reply to my texts, really. I'm so grateful that he did.


I didn't text him after test today and I was really tempted to. I might break my abstinence tomorrow though if I do happen to see him.


I only saw him once today and I might have been able to see him again if I weren't so scared to look at where the year twos were.


At least I know that whatever it is that's happening between us (if there is anything that is) not a lot of people know about it cause Blair treated me quite normally today.


I'm hoping that as the time increases and lengthens, so will this whole thing repair itself.


If possible, by next Friday cause it'll be the club party and I don't know how I'll be able to face him properly without making things awkward.


I wonder if he's wondering why I didn't text him.


Maybe he's too busy with Ivy or something.




I really hope he doesn't hate me.


I got offered a scholarship but I don't want it cause I'm not interested in Geophysics.


Also... there will be a camp that I have to participate in if I want to get that scholarship and it will happen next week lasting from Thursday until Saturday and surprisingly, the first thing that came into my mind was "I won't be able to see Law./Will he care that I'm not there?"


I freaking wish I didn't screw up.


I bet if I had been more patient, we could have at least been friends.


I just hope that it will be able to heal.

Battleship

Got screwed by mom cause I went out with my friends to watch Rihanna act in Battleship which was a quite okay movie if you love gun fights and all (especially if you like Transformers).


Somehow, going out with them turned out to be one of the best things yet that's happened to me this week.


For one, I don't feel so depressed about the whole thing.


Second, I don't really feel all so dramatic about what I'm going to do tomorrow.


I mean, I still like him cause this feeling is really hard to shake off (especially since he's a really nice person), but, I'm not going to be some meany by ignoring him completely or making it obvious that I'm ignoring him.


In a way, maybe, but not as extreme as I had initially planned to do.


My initial plan won't work anyway since I'll be coming to college late. =-=;


I wonder if he'll wonder if I don't text him tomorrow.


I mean, it's kind of like a routine, you know, wishing him good luck and asking how his exam was.


Yeah... I'll miss that routine. :')


And I'm feeling quite calm now really even though I didn't get to talk to Helen last night (she was fast asleep).


As for me, it took some time for me before I finally went to sleep, listening to all my nostalgic songs.


I felt really awful in the morning.


When I went to visit my sister and her team, their energy really affected me and I got frustrated and upset (they weren't bad, it's just that they were trying to portray those emotions and they were really good).


I got very depressed because all these flashbacks of how I treated him and how I expected him to treat me went through my mind.


Like the times when he helped me and the times when he smiled and grinned.


Especially the times when he smiled and grinned at me.


Suddenly, I can see his face vividly in my mind.


The way how his smiles and grins are slightly lopsided. How his eyes sparkle when he's excited or when he's pissed off. His awkward slouch.


I realise now why I was so attracted to him.


He was being himself.


The first time I got crushed by a guy that I like (I didn't confess to him, just that I gave up hope), I changed for the worse.


In Law's case, I feel like I need to improve even more.


That's why I'm actually exercising and studying more now.


Cause, I hope that the next time he sees me, he'll at least regret for a bit.


I want to be myself. Not a changed-for-the-worse person.


But I don't hate him.


He treated me very nicely and I'm so thankful for that.


I feel like I have matured a bit more.


I don't want to be mean to him and treat him badly.


Okay, going to play Dragon Nest before I sleep. :)

After the introspection

I'm back from celebrating m grandpa's birthday at my village. :)


He's 75 years old already and I feel so thankful that he's still alive.


True to my words, I gave a lot of thought on my feelings for Law while I was in my village.


Heck, I was already thinking of him when the journey started and I didn't even stop thinking about him throughout the journey.


While my family and I were inspecting the construction site for our kind-of mountain resort, I indulged myself in the fresh air and beautiful scenery and sky and began to just free my mind from studies and every other worry and just thought about Law.


I thought about the way he smiled, the way he is around his friends, the times when we were so close to each other, the first time we were properly introduced, the time both of us were in Leadership Camp and so many other things.


I was still clueless on what to do so I went to sleep last night with a lot of questions in my head and his face in my mind.


Today, my mother asked me to go to the shop our family owned to go buy 10 kg worth of rice for our dog (yes, we feed them rice and other scraps) and to also buy groceries that we need for our home back in the city.


I bought a whole lot of stuff and when I was done, my aunt at the counter asked if we were going to stop by for it later on but then I said I was going to take it down and she looked at me doubtfully.


I wish I had took back my words because the box I had to carry was really really really heavy. Thank goodness my grandparents house was downhill.


Still, the box was so heavy I had to take two pauses along the way and people were staring at me.


I kept on encouraging myself saying that if I could just carry the box all the way to the house, I'd get a chance with Law.


When I was just 50 meters away from the gate, my arms couldn't take it anymore and I did my best to let the box down carefully but then all the items spilled out and I had to run after a bottle of ketchup that thankfully did not break.


For a moment, I just sat there feeling defeated.


But I knew that I had to just do it and I managed to carry it all the way up to the house after I took one last break.


If I could take a guess, I'd estimate that box to be about 25 kg and the area in contact with my arms was small so the pressure was really big.


On our way to our home in the city, I finally realised what I went through while I was carrying that box.


In a sense, that was how my crush on Law started.


Initially, I kept on telling myself that I shouldn't like him, that I should only have a crush on him, because there was only a slight possibility that he'd like me as well.


The parts where I paused were the times when I had utterly no confidence in myself.


The part where the box fell down is where I am right now.


And, if I want to succeed, I must grit my teeth, bear the pain and go through all the way.


In other words, I'm not going to stop liking him even if other girls do like him.


I have the freedom to choose who I want to like and if he doesn't like me now, who knows in the future, he'll be the one chasing after me.


So, Law, I like you and I will wait for you no matter how heavy this box is.


PS. My love prediction today all states that tomorrow will be a good day for relationships to blossom.


Also, I got this: Next weekend you'll be pleasantly surprised by your admirer.


Well, next weekend will be the Election Board party where Law will be (and also the Orange House party where Roy will be). I hope it meant Law and I will definitely make the most of this week and the next as Law will be gone within two weeks.


I wonder if I'll cry.

Waiting

Sometimes the hardest part before you get what you want is the waiting period.


Last night, I got so depressed because of that comment that I poured out my feelings to Helen.


I've never really said how I really felt about anything to my friends for such a long time because I've did that in the past and I got backstabbed by the ones whom I trusted the most.


Helen said I should just wait and be patient and not to give up because I'm still seeing him in school.


And as hard as it is for me to give in to that, she has a point.


I think that when I go back to my village today, I'll get some more time to think about this whole thing and maybe then I'll get to calm myself down a bit.


I can't force things to always happen my way as much as I want to.


So for now, I'm just going to wait and control myself from doing anything stupid and irrational.

Thinking straight

Is what I'm unable to do now.


I just saw a girl (remember the girl I mentioned sometime in January who was kind of flirting with Law?) comment on one of Law's posted videos on Facebook.


You know what it said?


"Let's watch this together."


She didn't mention anyone else.


But he didn't really reply her either.


Still, I was really upset just now and it affected me terribly.


I can't imagine what would happen if he really did start going out with another girl.


I wish I could just SMS him at any time.


Or even have the courage to.


I saw him only twice today, once when I was on my way down to the cafeteria during the second break and also when I was in the cafeteria during the second break.


At the end of break, I wanted to go up first but June made me wait around for awhile but eventually he walked by in front of me with his friend and headed upstairs.


I need some time to think straight and try and figure out why I'm so attracted to him in the first place.


Tomorrow is finally a free day for me.


Going to wake up early to study and I will exercise before I go back to my village to celebrate my grandpa's birthday.


Should go bath now. I've been postponing that for 2 hours.

Raising one's eyebrows

Did you know?


If a guy is interested in you, he'll raise his eyebrows even if it's just a marginal fraction.


I looked that up online today after school when I was bored of taking quizzes.


Well, not exactly. I was looking up for signs that a guy is interested in you through his body language.


So, before I start ranting about Law, I'll just rant about my test today.


Today we had Mathematics and Chemistry.


Maths was quite good actually. I finished the whole paper within 45 minutes so I could check my answers twice and I really hope I didn't do any careless mistake.


Chemistry on the other hand was a bit hard (cause I forgot to read an important topic).


I had to do draw this graph:

And I foolishly did a quadratic graph.

What the hell was I thinking?!

I knew this graph!!!

I think I just panicked sightly but I now know what I shouldn't do in the future Chemistry tests.

Okay, now about Law. :)

I got to school a bit later than usual so I immediately went up to the exam hall so that I could get a bench to sit on  and study Maths. Then, as time went on, more of my friends started appearing so I began wondering when Law would come.

I kept on glancing at the staircase right in front of me to see whether or not he was there.

Then, when I glanced for the 100th time, I saw him walking up the stairs.

I'm not going to lie to you or to myself when I say this cause this is true;

He was going up the stairs within my line of vision when his head turned slightly to the back like he saw me sitting there.

And, he raised his eyebrows.

At first I thought, that wasn't a big deal but then when he was walking at the other corridor, he stopped within my line of vision yet again and he talked to one of my seniors but, he was facing towards me.

And then, he sat down right there for a few minutes.

I grabbed the chance to look at him cause a pole was blocking his sight from noticing that I was gawking at him.

Then, I think he got awkward with the other senior so he stood up and went to the end of the corridor and sat down there and began to study.

Honestly, he really is cute. :)

Then, after the whole test was done, I went to the last Election Board meeting and I didn't see him there at first but then, just as the meeting was about to start, he came in and took a seat that was kind of right in front of me.

After the meeting was done, we had a photo session for the Election Board even though not all the members were there.

I was about to go home when I noticed them gathering around to take pictures and I thank my lucky stars that I didn't.

So as we arranged ourselves, I naturally went over to the left side and he also went to the left side.

Unfortunately, there were two people between us so I felt sad.

Then, I got an ingenious idea.

One of the people between us is really tall (yes, taller than him even) so I asked her to switch places and go to the middle of the row and so she did.

So, we only had one person between us and I was quite happy with that. :)

There was a part during one of the informal shots that he had to excuse himself for awhile to make a phone call but then he came back and he stood behind me I think but I couldn't be sure because it was only for a short while.

But, the important thing here is that I got to take a picture with him again! :D

I feel happy cause there was one time that the seniors were making stupid gay jokes and it was really amusing so I grinned and that shows that I was listening to him.

So in a way, I did communicate with him on some level.

Throughout today, I did a re-evaluation on him and I realised that he really is a geek.

But, he is a smart and witty geek who is hot.

Really.

I'm not lying.

I hope that tomorrow during the big spring cleaning I'll get the chance to work with him and maybe even to talk to him.

I feel a bit more braver now because I realise he's just human as well.

Love prediction for today!

With the good choice you made all will go well.

This was the prediction for today:

As Mercury, planet of communication spends his last full day in your communication sector this makes this an important day for communication and connecting and a valuable day for making choices, decisions and plans. However, there is not the urgency or the 'now or never' feel that normally comes with this, for Mercury knows that he'll do a U turn in 10 days time and come back, with second chances ahead. 

That really did happen today.

Here's the one for tomorrow:

On the same day that Mercury, planet of communication leaves your communication sector the Moon returns to your relationship sector, where you most need the communication lines open. Yet Mercury has not left you on your own and his return to your home and family sector gives you a chance to ensure the communication lines are open on the home front. This sets the scene for a special weekend for home, family and relationship matters.

And tomorrow, my best compatibility is with Virgo again so yay! :D

Got to sleep now.