A jump, a pulse

Yesterday I thought that I wouldn't feel so strongly for him as I did the past few months since I didn't see him for almost two weeks.


Today, as June and I were on our way down to go for the morning prayer meeting, I glanced down subconsciously and I saw him.


My heart literally jumped.


I only saw his back but I just knew instantly that it was him.


By the time June and I went around another bend in the stairs, he was gone already.


When I asked June if she noticed him later on during the second break but then she said she didn't.




I feel quite good that I got to see him and that he didn't get to see me in my current state.


I think that I'm sick but I'm not too sure.


It could be either that or maybe some of the emotion from Murakami Haruki's Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World has rubbed off on me cause I felt a bit queer reading it so I stopped reading it for a bit. I'll be continuing later just before I sleep cause I'm about to finish the book cause it's a really good book.




I wonder if he's wondering why I didn't text him cause I usually text him good luck and ask how his exam was.


Thinking back now I feel quite amazed that I actually had the guts to text him.


I think part of my bravery came from my imagination, as in, my imagination created that bravery that I had possessed.


Like I imagined him up.


But he's real and he has flaws as well that I think I tried to blind myself from seeing but all the same, no one's perfect.




I wish we had more chances to be able to work with each other throughout those first two months.


I wish I was in his group during leadership camp.


I wish I had talked to him and worked together with him to set up the voting booths.


I wish I had said "Hi" to him after the first day we worked with each other and got to know each other.




I feel so rotten inside and I think that it shows terribly on the outside.


I'm more quiet at school and I'm less jovial.


Maybe it's cause I know, deep down inside, that he rejected me even though I never did confess to him properly.


I'm tired of hoping but being a Capricorn, I'm just determined to not give up.


I have no idea why I'm so persistent in hurting myself even further, making my confidence sink even lower than rock bottom.




Maybe, just maybe, I'll feel better after I confess to him so that he can straight out reject me and that'll stop my mind from being so jumbled up.




One of the good things that I got from listening to his favourite band is that one of the songs keeps me strong in opening my heart to love.


"Every long lost dream, led me to where you are, others who broke my heart, they were like Northern stars, pointed me on my way, into your loving arms, this much I know is true, that God blessed the broken road, that led me straight to you." - Bless the Broken Road, Rascal Flatts


So I will continue to nurture this bit of love in my heart, as sappy as that sounds, and maybe, just maybe, like what June said, if he's meant for me, then he will come to me.


Therefore, I will not force fate to do things it's not supposed to do with it but I will wait patiently to see where this broken road will take me.