A courageous step

I feel quite proud with myself today.

Let's rewind to the beginning.

I got to the examination room and when I looked inside I saw that there were only a few people so I thought I'd be able to take my test and finish it fast so I plopped myself on a seat and proceeded to try and calm my nerves down since it was going to be the first time I will sit for an oral exam that wasn't language related.

A few minutes after I sat down, Prince came in and again, we made brief eye-contact before he sat at the other side of the room and I was a bit shocked cause I thought that he took the exam yesterday.

At one point the professor said something and I asked the guy sitting next to me what she said, cause I wasn't paying attention, and at that point Prince looked our way.

So there we were, waiting for our turn, me trying to cram more notes into my already panicked brain when suddenly this voice began speaking up in my head.

Mind: I want to talk with him. I want to talk with him. I want to talk with him.

Me: What the hell?! No! We're supposed to be studying!

Mind: But I want to talk with him! I want to-

Me: Okay, look here. We're going to pay attention to Bernini and read up more Baroque notes.

Mind: Aw, c'mon. Don't tell me you don't want to talk with him.

Me: Of course I do but I don't have a reason to talk with him.

Mind: If only you had sat on that side just now...

Me: Yeah, I know. I could've asked him questions.

Mind: Yeah, but now you're in the same room with him. You can still approach him.

Me: But how? I don't have a reason to. We should just go back to studying.

So I went back to studying but I kept on remembering this video I saw that encouraged me to try and accept rejection and to be more brave.

If I didn't mention it earlier, I'll mention it now. I have a huge phobia of rejection.

But I really wanted to talk with him.

At around the 2 hour mark, my phone's mobile network refused to co-operate with me when I needed to find information on Juvarra's Superga in Turin. And throughout that 2 hour period I said to myself, if the network starts to go crazy, I'll go talk with him.

Mind: This is the moment. Go now. Go.

Me: But, I'm not ready. I'm scared.

Mind: Think about the 3 seconds of no nervousness.

Me: What-

Mind: 1. 2. 3.

I got up with a slight hesitation but I made my way to his place.

Me: Hey, can I borrow your book? I need to look up on something.

Prince: Ah, okay.

He seemed a bit shocked, I think, that I actually approached him. This is something I rarely did last time before I got into university but now, I guess I'm slowly becoming a bit more open.

I was going to sit in front of him, bringing the book with me but something made me stop (I don't know what) and I sat beside him instead.

My heart was beating fast the whole time and I kept telling myself to think of him as a friend and to stop being so freaking nervous. I just thought that I made the first move without actually making him realise that I did the first move and made him think that he made the first move by borrowing the book to me.

I thumbed through the pages and then I asked him a question and before I knew it, we were talking about history and discussing stuff and he even helped cleared up some info for me. 

Another good thing is that while we were talking, he even offered up information about himself that I didn't ask about. The bad thing was that I almost only used questions and I didn't offer up info about myself and he didn't ask anything either. It's a good start though.

I was so nervous throughout that time and I was literally shaking but that could also be because of the cold but I kept putting my hands down cause whenever I lifted them up they began shaking. I guess he was nervous about talking with me as well since it was the first time we talked and we talked for a very long time, for almost an hour in fact.

If we were in another place, maybe I would have talked more enthusiastically or something but we were in the room so I did my best to keep my voice low.

He was really kind to me when we were speaking, helping me out and all. He maintained eye contact and he even smiled and grinned. I also feel bad for stopping him from drinking water several times. =-=;

I initially thought his fingers were shaking because he was afraid of the test but when I asked him if he was nervous for the test he said 'no' but he could have been making a white lie. I mean, why else would he be nervous?

Towards the end we got quiet but it wasn't really awkward for some reason. I didn't feel awkward with him like how I feel when I'm with other people when things suddenly become quiet. I didn't feel that kind of atmosphere.

In fact, I felt more relaxed and at peace after I talked with him.

During the break time, after I talked with the professor, I went back to my seat because I was scared that I annoyed him and that he wouldn't want to sit with me after that. He talked with Acia in Serbian during the break. He approached her first and I felt a bit sad. At several points in our conversation he looked over at her and I just felt bad, like I was too boring to talk with and that he wanted to talk with her instead. So I just felt bad about myself.

While he was taking his test, I'd look at him every now and then.

At one point, I think he was thinking about something, he looked my way even though his sitting posture's orientation was the other way and I made eye-contact with him for more than a few seconds so I felt a bit relieved. I really don't want him to hate me. We both were one of the last ones to take the test and he even let a girl go before him.

When I got back I told Anna about what happened and how I was worried that he could be hating me and that he might find me annoying but she told me to compare him and another one of our guy friends and to try and replay that situation with the other guy friend.

I did and I realised that if I had done that with the other friend, it would have been more awkward even though I've known the other guy for a longer time.

It could be that Prince didn't mind speaking with me or he's just extremely kind.

Then Anna proceeded to reassure me that guys are naturally simple. If they like you, they like you. If they don't like you, they don't like you. So they'll just be very honest with the people that they talk with. Honest as in they'll only talk with you if they think you're nice.

And yes, that was very reassuring indeed.

This has been a very very very big step for me indeed and I feel so glad that I didn't chicken out this time unlike in my previous cases with Law.

Maybe that's why I had to like Law first, to get the regretful experience so that I'll be scared to ever get such an experience again and that I'll take a risk.

It was nerve wrecking alright but now I have more courage to speak with him. Naturally I won't be all over him like what happened last time but I will be more calmer and hopefully, he'll see me as someone good to talk with.

We are similar in a lot of ways, from what I can tell from the little bit of information that he shared with me.

For one, he cooks for his roommates (Anna asked why didn't I tell him about me cooking for her =-=) and he also thinks about being thrifty (cause cooking for his roommates is cheaper, says he XD).

I hope that I'll get more opportunities to talk with him and that I'll become an even better person and maybe, just maybe, he'll see me as someone nice.

Thank you, God, for all the wonderful things you gave to me today. It was such a lovely present after all the things that I had to go through this week. :)

And there I was, thinking that I wouldn't still be liking him.

PS. Notice how much calmer I am in this post compared to the ones I wrote when I liked Law and when the smallest things related with Law happened to me. I have changed, for the better I hope. I think it was a really good idea to keep this love blog cause now I can keep track of the changes that I've been through.

PSS. He was writing with a colour pen (dark swamp green), the same brand as my colour pens. Yeah, I felt happy about that hahahahahahaha. And we both wore dark blue sweaters and I swear, I did not stalk him. XD