Aftermath

This is not good. It isn't good for my mental health and all.

Sure I feel more inspired to become even better, which is what happens when I start to like someone, but then it'll raise my hopes too high up and then when it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to, then I'll get super depressed, I just know it.

This whole heart thumping sensation I'm feeling was made worse when Anna and I watched Pride and Prejudice last night. Nope. That most certainly didn't help at all.

Even over the smallest things, like reading a shoujo manga or even logging on to Facebook, makes me happy. Happy with the thought that he does know me. That he recognises me. That at one point, he wanted to chat with me.

And yes, that might have been a one time thing but really, I'm still happy just the same.

Why did he chat with me? I really don't think it was obligatory for him to chat up with me just to know how my test went. Is he really doing this just for kicks? Or does he find it interesting? Chatting with me that is.

I can really feel my heartbeats quickening and I can even hear them.

In all the dreams I've ever had at night, I always ran away from someone I like and I never tried to approach them like on a one-to-one basis.

The fact that he treated me nice could be just his personality to treat everyone nice, I have to keep that in mind.

This is when I think back to the times when I first began to properly like guys I actually talked with.

The first one, Randy, turned out to be bisexual. He knew I liked him and he even talked with me and was really nice to me even when I was so obviously having a crush on him. He still treated me as a friend but he never did do anything in response to my feelings. That was in 2010. I think it started in August and ended in December although the trip to South Korea was in October. We even went to the library to study together after coming back from the trip, with another friend of course.

The second one, Law, already had feelings for another girl, which I'm guessing is Ivy. Again, he was super nice to me even when I was so despairingly obvious but he maintained that senior-junior relationship. I still feel embarrassed that he put up with my behaviour. One day when I meet him again, I will definitely apologise for causing so much trouble to him. That was in 2012 which started in January and ended in August even though I didn't talk much with him and stopped seeing him around in June.

Third, Prince. I have yet to find out what will happen. This feeling started in October 2012 and it's still going on till now so that'd make it almost 5 months. What if he's interested but I lose interest? Huge what-ifs but it's possible even though I wouldn't want that to happen.

I've been single for the past 19 years and it's because almost all the guys I liked/like didn't like me back in that way. It's not as if I'm a piece of rotten fish.

The first guy who liked me, Greg, has a different religion than me. He talked to me all the time while we were practicing our dance for the exchange student trip to South Korea and approached me all the time, even on Facebook. But, being the blunt girl that I am, I didn't realise that he liked me. Someone had to point it out to me during the trip and even when they gave me clues like his initials, I named other people and not him because I didn't suspect it at all. This was in 2010.

The second, Liam. I'm still not so sure about this but there were times when he sat down and just talked with me alone, like the time when we were making tofu during the exchange student trip and I went outside and he followed. Also, in one of the pictures we took together, he had his arm hanging awkwardly on my shoulder and he even held my hands as we went down the hill while we were gathering dead plants (sounds so bad, I know) as decoration for our handicrafts. Again, 2010.

The third one, Roy. Even before he got my number and texted me, I somehow knew that he was trying to get my attention cause when we held our cheer practice, he got extremely noisy in my presence and I think his friend, our cheer captain, stationed him behind me to help him out. I was pretty mean to him since I made it obvious that I liked Law at that time but he was pretty mean to me in the end as well hahaha. I don't blame him.

And so, the archive of my so called love life in summary is kind of completed. There're a couple of other people I left out because it was either I didn't like them very seriously or I'm not sure if they liked me or not since they were just rumours.

Wow. To think that all of those seemed like a long period of time and are already in the past. Those seconds and minutes went by in the blink of an eye and here I am, still moving forwards.

When I began this post, I just wanted to write down how I'm feeling right now (heartbeating and all that) but it turned out to be this story-telling time instead hahahaha. I did plan on doing this though, not in this way, but I guess it works.

I guess the next thing to do on my agenda is to type out all of Law's messages to me because I'd like to see myself squirm in embarrassment. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I shall get back to my work now.