The life goal

You know, all my life up till today, I could never figure out what my goal in life really is.

It finally dawned on me during the class field trip that we had today.

I never did get to ask Prince whether he wanted to team up together with me or not because I'm just a terrible coward. I asked Tia instead, before Carl could ask me, and I could see that he wanted to.

Oh, I told Tia about this blog as well. Funny how I thought I'd never be able to tell anyone else apart from June and Helen about this blog. Not even Yu knows the existence of this blog.

Anyway, during some parts of the trip, I stole some glances at Prince and it felt like he knew I was looking at him so I did cut back a lot on trying to be near him and all of that.

And even though I said that I no longer have strong feelings for him, I'm starting to doubt that certainty a bit now.

It's not as though I think about him a lot anymore these days compared to the previous months and it's not as though I try to talk to him a lot and try to be closer with him but I can feel that somewhere inside me there's still a part that's holding onto the feeling of like that I have for him.

I know that he isn't a perfect guy. He likes to waste his time and he isn't really disciplined either but the way how he gets really absorbed into architecture is kind of the reason that makes me like him. I guess this is also the reason why I still haven't been able to make any move towards Al, because I still hold unresolved feelings for Prince.

For all I know, this feeling that I have for him will last for months more, or even years.

As if I'd stand a real chance, I know.

Then all of this made me realise that goal that I've wanted to achieve; a really shallow goal that is extremely selfish.

I want to be in an amazingly wonderful relationship.

No, it doesn't need to be rose-tinted. It doesn't need to be all roses and chocolates. It doesn't need to be about fancy dinners and materialistic gifts. It doesn't need to be dates at amusement parks and strolls by the beach.

Just a relationship with a guy where the both of us can be totally free to express ourselves. Where we can talk for hours without ever getting tired of each other's voice. Where we can fight and make mistakes but learn more from the bitterness and become closer. Where we can't wait to be together.

And somehow, my sick and irrational mind thinks that I can achieve that if I was to be with Prince.

Seriously, brain, what is wrong with you??? He freaking has a girlfriend already, do you really want to have a one-sided feeling for a guy? Can't you see that it'll only be a burden to him? You barely know this guy.

Thus, I feel like not liking anyone at the moment, if that makes any sense at all. I'm just tired of this, liking someone but never having my feelings reciprocated.

For my siblings, whomever that they are interested in, almost always the other person also likes them. Amazing huh?

But because I don't feel like liking anyone at the moment, it makes me unable to feel really happy, to live life to the fullest.

Because I lost a goal to reach.

For now I'm feeding off energy from romance mangas. I think the reason why I want to be a mangaka is to be able to create delusional worlds for myself. This is just sad hahaha.

Maybe I'm not even sure of my own feelings for Prince.

Regardless, I hope that I'll be able to find a real purpose to live.