Attached

I guess I really have no idea how much I like him. In fact, I still don't even want to type out the word "liked" instead of "like".

I got a dream of him last night and yet again, it just revolved around the both of us talking like we were really good friends and it felt really comfortable talking with him and yes, as wrong as this sounds, it felt really right that we were talking.

Can I be extremely, tremendously selfish for once and wish that he would like me?

No, I can't. The guilty feeling that I get after wishing for that is too heavy to bear.

I mean, his girlfriend must really like him and he must really treasure her as well. I can't go about ruining two other people's happiness for the sake of my own.

I actually felt quite okay last night about not being able to have gotten closer with Prince in the past months but whoosh here comes those feelings of regret again.

"Why?"

There're too many 'why's in my head now and I'd really like to drown them all out but it's really hard.

It got so bad this morning that there was a point where I really felt like I was about to cry.

"If only."

There're too many of those too. I keep thinking about the quote I read yesterday by Albert Einstein "Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" which goes to say that the next time I am attracted to someone, I actually have to do some action, a different one from the ones I did before.

I think it took me roughly 3 months to get over Law but that was easy to do I guess since I hardly saw him throughout the time I liked him, I hardly talked with him, and he wasn't in college anymore when I started to become more obvious. This time, I have no idea how long I will keep this feeling in me before I feel it's okay to let go.

I really don't want to do anything productive now.

I still wonder if whether or not he was ever interested in me. I regret not sitting next to him during the Elements of Architecture exam but everything happens for a reason so I must just continue to look forward as often as I can.